Kokuryuu Flameshifter Posted February 20, 2003 Report Posted February 20, 2003 Watching you from the other side of the room, a twinge runs through my heart. You turn your head gracfully as I quickely hide my own. I know my chances with you are almost completely shot. I have no knowledge of you besides your general asspects. I see your glimmering ebony-black eyes catching the light with a magnificant brilliance. Your hair becomes a bit tousled yet stays in its dark brown-black place. So I write this hopeless love poem about you, the boy I will never know better. My heart sinks with depression, when I know I could never muster enough of my pathetic courage to say the simple form of greeting- 'hi.' I keep only to myself about the longing to know the inner you and not just your exterior. Secretly I obsess, too shy and timid to even let you know I glance over at you every now and again. I doubt myself to the point of desperate emotion. I think now, how can I say this without being corny and terribly trite? But my mind churns to no avail. I am left, alone, lost in this peacful daydream of a joy that will never come. -Ryuu :dragon4:
reverie Posted February 20, 2003 Report Posted February 20, 2003 hmm... if i remember right achanous... suggested you try to get all you lines similar length and I said... that wasn't necessary... Well after seeing some more your work... i think you should experiment with breaking the poem apart some... no strick form of stanza or line length is needed... but play around with a little till you find something you like... i offer these as examples: http://pub79.ezboard.com/fthemightypenfrm1...topicID=5.topic http://pub79.ezboard.com/fthemightypenfrm1...topicID=4.topic revery the dreamlost "oi vie"(sp) the dream continues...
Kokuryuu Flameshifter Posted February 20, 2003 Author Report Posted February 20, 2003 I thank you for the examples and Archaneus for the advice. I am not a very experienced poet so all help is welcome! -Ryuu :dragon4:
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