reverie Posted February 17, 2003 Report Posted February 17, 2003 (edited) Over (17FEB2003) We must be getting older... The days just come and go. I wish it went much slower For those who need to know. That the time you take Will either make or break You into who and what you are. Take this time today or let it fade away Remember life just flows so far... But am I getting older? Or just really over you... And if it went much slower Would the past be less than true. As I find my way Back from the memory Of the time- I spent with you. I'll hide my heart away and say, I could not stay... and forget that I love you. We must be getting older For the memories the same And as I think it over... I'm still holding to the pain. Of the time that day I let it fade away And buried half of me and you... I had no right to stay And so I ran away and your fear became the truth... revery the dreamlost "what the..." the dream continues... Edited February 17, 2003 by reverie
Archaneus Posted February 17, 2003 Report Posted February 17, 2003 Wow! I really like this one. It is really good. I'm still in shock form the pure brilliance so this is all I can say for now.
Deadly Nightshade Posted February 17, 2003 Report Posted February 17, 2003 Always the first one to say things about the poems and yes this is a vary good poem indeed
Cyril Darkcloud Posted February 17, 2003 Report Posted February 17, 2003 Reverie, this is a very fine piece of writing. Breaking the poem into three blocks of repeating structure is a neat touch, especially in the way you allow the ideas and words of the piece to echo and develop across them. The second and third blocks work particularly well together and flow to a striking conclusion. If I might make one small suggestion about the first section -- you might want to take another look at the fourth line of the poem it doesn't quite work and unless I've missed something I do not see any benefit the line gives to offset that. Still, however, that is a small thing in what is both a very good read and a very well written poem. I not only enjoyed watching this come together in the Writers’ Workshop, but I’ve stopped in here a few times now to enjoy the finished product.
Mira Posted February 17, 2003 Report Posted February 17, 2003 Your poem reminds me alot of a Simon and Garfunkle song called "Overs" off of their Bookends album. Its a great song and what you have here is a great poem
reverie Posted February 17, 2003 Author Report Posted February 17, 2003 (edited) thanx for the support guys...and constructive critisizm cyril.. hey... mira... that is a great song... oh about the fourth line, the confusion of it prolly springs from a few of my habits... 'Cause i think lyrically and in phrases, i tend to get attached to the original txt of a poem at the intial point of inspiration... Another a habit is i tend to connect to things both forwards and backward phrase wise... So when i originally started this as a x-mas poem (few months back) The 4th line was served to set up the next stanza.... It was a general wish that people had more time to consider their actions before they made them... and maybe even not take things for granted: ...regarding time wasted and the time put into life... We are the products of our dreams and efforts whether made reality or left forgotten on the cutting room floor... So if time went much slower... maybe they'd see what they were wasting... Then after a long break, I came back and the whole thing tapped deeper into my head then I intially intended (like opening a door)... and the 2nd block indirectly answers to the 1st block... No longer general to advice the public... the question turns inwardly personal... because sometimes those that give advice... are giving it, because they see someone about to make a mistake that they once made... And the speaker is left to wonder would his own wish have helped him... kinda of guilt of hindsight and hyprocracy slapping him... like a noble temple built on a cracked foundation... it gives way under strain... 3rd block answers the questions of the 2nd block... I agree it does feel a little out of place... but then sometimes, so do i... that and i just didn't like using "did't or didn't" in some the alternates i came up with... will prolly look it over in a few months and clean it up some more... but for now its done... revery the dreamlost "so we go a rowing"(i forget) the dream continues... Edited February 17, 2003 by reverie
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