Archaneus Posted February 13, 2003 Report Posted February 13, 2003 I thought of this one when I was in the shower oddly enough. It's more of a rough draft and it's need work. Anyone have same revision ideas? It crashes over me It forces me to the ground I am pressed to the extent of my strength I can’t fight it, can’t contain I can’t control this rush I am weak, I know this now It begins to take over A sudden burst breaks forth I am sprawled out under the force I have lost control, I am held fast I have no control The waterfall has taken over
Vlad Posted February 13, 2003 Report Posted February 13, 2003 The reason that you think it needs work is because it is raw, from the heart, and you might not feel comfortamble exposing yourself to the world. But it is really good.
Rune Posted February 21, 2003 Report Posted February 21, 2003 Its really good. If you want suggestions for changes though you might want to post it in the Writers Workshop. But I think its great as it is.
Justin Silverblade Posted February 22, 2003 Report Posted February 22, 2003 (edited) Wow. It's quaint, and pleasent to read. I like the topic, and the mood. Sounds like it could be a very depressing poem if you wanted it to be, but I don't quite feel that now, in the form that it's in. Instead I feel a sense of... understanding... of accepting without regret, the downpour that life sometimes gives. Editing? It would not do the poem any harm, but it might change it's mood or message depending on just how you edited it. Personally I like it the way it is. Thanks for sharing. - Justin Edited February 22, 2003 by Justin Silverblade
Cyril Darkcloud Posted February 22, 2003 Report Posted February 22, 2003 Archaneous, this is an interesting piece that is worth re-working. One thing especially that you might want to take a look at is that for a poem whose central notion is that of a waterfall there is no real feeling of water anywhere but in the title and the last line. Paying a bit more attention to providing non-abstract sensory details would be one way of toughening up the piece. Expressions like 'this rush' [rush of what?] for example are rather vague and could easily be replaced with something stronger. You have a good beginning here and a bit of work could turn it into a solid piece.
Recommended Posts