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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

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Posted (edited)

Rune's work can be found here.

 

Rune,

 

I’m going to echo Peredhil’s comments – this is a very fine, even impressive first attempt at writing serious poetry. You make use of meter [the rhythm produced by the pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables in words], a pattern of rhyme and a metaphor developed through the use of consistent imagery. That is no small thing to put together for a practiced writer.

 

A couple things to think about as you look this over:

 

1. Concerning the use of rhyme – You make use of a scheme that gives every line a rhyming partner. This is a good thing, but it can produce a sing-song quality which at times can weaken a serious theme. Obviously one can avoid that by being willing to break the pattern at a key point in the poem or by using a different pattern of rhyme. Another way to do it, however, which most young writers miss is by the use of “near rhymes” which make use of similar rather than identical sounds – such as coupling wings with thinks in your first stanza, for example.

 

2. Good sentence order – With a few exceptions, good poetry should make use of the way language is spoken. Inverting the natural order of words to make them fit into a rhyme scheme or some other pattern is generally a thing that weakens a piece – “what ahead it sees” in stanza 4, line 2 is an example of this. There is simply no obvious advantage that this inversion of the normal flow of English gives here.

 

Note, however, that one of the really intriguing elements of this piece is an example of excellent use of sentence structure. Your initial stanzas make use of a very simple and straightforward declarative sentence form – it reaches; it closes; it looks; it musters. Your final stanza, however, introduces a much more complex sentence form that begins with multiple participial phrases – bonded by, lowering. This is a very effective change and one that adds impact to your concluding section. Intentional or not, this is a really cool touch – nicely done.

 

3. Strong and weak words – Not all words have the same impact. In general verbs, closely followed by nouns, are the strongest words. Adjectives are generally weaker and adverbs tend to be the weakest of all. If at all possible say things with direct action verbs and striking nouns and be careful in your choice of adjectives. In this line, for example – except increase its fears, its twisted wretched bonds – you compare fear to chains and shackles but the metaphor is not as strong as it could be. And linguistically, bonds are seldom twisted and wretched – these are very negative personal qualities.

 

For the most part, your words work well together – again a very good thing, especially in a first draft. A few of your words are weak, however, simply because they are not good fits for the piece itself and it images – the final stanzas coupling of “gloom and doom” as rhyme partners is an example of this. This is a tired combination that we all use way too much. “Pushes forth its might” in stanza 2 sounds a bit strange as well – almost like a bit of Elizabethan poetry stepping into the simple images you are working with.

 

4. Keep writing! I can’t stress this enough. You have made a very good start here, Rune. You’ve taken a difficult theme and written about it well. The hard work has been done, what remains is simply building on that. By all means keep working with it – multiple drafts are a good thing, not a sign of failure. I, for one, am looking forward to seeing more of your stuff.

Edited by Cyril Darkcloud
Posted

Thank you for the comments Cyril. I think you helped me identify some of the areas that were bothering me..that I couldnt quite figure out why. I think I understand everything you mentioned..only problem I have is trying to get things to near rhyme. For some reason when trying to think of something that nearly rhymes..I cant seem to come up with anything.

Posted (edited)

The coupling of pain with disgrace in the last stanza in the revision is a fine example of near rhyme. :)

 

Honestly -- many of my own uses of this tool are simply the result of playing around with different ways of saying things rather hunting for specific words.

 

Don't think you have to hurry with things like revisions -- you have a good piece and sometimes we just need to let a bit of writing be for a little while before we can do much with it. The original impulse which pulls us to write can sometimes produce a finished product quickly and other times be so strong as to get in the way of editing our work. There can be a real value in just "living with" a poem for a few days and letting it find its own way of speaking. Your work precisely as work that you do and that comes from you is worth the wait -- not just my patience or any other reader's patience, but your own.

 

Again, thanks for sharing it.

Edited by Cyril Darkcloud
Posted

I'm not hurrying ^__^

 

When I wrote the original I reread it once, and then posted it. Mainly cause I knew that if I kept trying to "fix" it without the feedback I would hack it to bits and then get frustrated with it. The second rewrite was when it was still refresh in my mind. I will probably let it sit for awhile now and continue at a later date.

Posted (edited)

Hey rune...just a note of encoragement and on poems making in general... :)

 

unless your trying to emulate a specific form of poetry... say for example a sonnet or a haiku... you need not worry about structured rules and whatnot... However, I understand that like most things, creativity does not exist in a vacum, and your prolly not going to re-invent the wheel... So it's okay to study structured forms while you endeavour to make them your own... Muscian do it all the time...

 

That said... don't feel limited by any set rules... Mix and match... Who knows, you may create a new hybrid style for others to follow...

 

Like cyril said... keep writing... You have a lot to say. eventually you'll figure out 'how' you want to say it.

 

Personally, I like the sing-song quality... but i'm just silly like that... A good way to feel to out what your writing is to perform it. Not just 'say it'... I mean throw yourself into your words...

 

If your writing a love poem... Then be in love... Even if that love is long lost and buried in your mind... Put yourself so deep in the memory of that love, that it's lucid and real again...if only for that small quiet moment... Carry your words with you... Even if their only half formed. Go out into world with their beat in your head... Or meditate on them in quiet reflection while waiting stuck in traffic...

 

revery

the dreamlost

"DHM?"

the dream continues...

Edited by reverie
Posted

WoW. What to say after such masterfull words of revery..

 

Rune, I am not a master poet, nor am I all that amazing [as viewed in my own eyes], but I want to say you are a wonderful writer. Your imagination.. Well its insanse. The ideas you constantly come up with. your constand post, with thoughts and ideas and RP. Its all so amazing.. And now you have moved into poetry? WoW. You are taking writing by storm. for your first poem, its absolutly amazing.. the detail.. the imagination, the wording. its all crazy.. you are SO cute.. lol.. Wait.. HmM. That wasnt supposed to be there.. ;P GO RUNE is all I have to say!

Posted

Thank you Rev, Tassle. You guys are great.

 

I know it tough to stop and write a comment on something, so I appreciate your time, your words..and your help.

 

I am gonna let it sit for a bit, then go back in awhile to rewrite it again. That way I can get a fresh look on it.

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