Deadly Nightshade Posted February 12, 2003 Report Posted February 12, 2003 Perhaps it is not the best Poem and you may not like it in fact it may be the worst poem you ever read but as you read this poem think of a young girl not older then 16 in her room in tears from the hell that people put her through in highschool....real things that go on today... Why do you turn away... I cried for you last night I loved you... what do you?...you cower away like I am a beast You push me away like I have some disease Why do you do it?.. I never cry and I cried over you you might as well run a white hot blade slowly threw my arm it would feel like a bee sting compared to the pain you have caused me why cant you just look at me and say you love me back!? why must you cripple me so? with your horde of young women about you like flies to a dead horse I loved you damn it...I cried for you and I get slapped in the face by your cold stare and your pittyless glare why do I care?... why should I care about you? why do I shed tears soak my pillow each night in self-pity am I not good enough for you you...you and your black hearted friends with there beady black eyes all stare talk about me...to my face horrible things... and you know how I feel but still it is not enough for you to regect me you must torment me aswell.... You dare cripple me.... now I shall cripple you...you and your friends and all who beat me down... It is your turn to be burned....
HopperWolf Posted February 12, 2003 Report Posted February 12, 2003 that's fantastic, very powerful The repetition of the line "I cried over you" is used superbly - it flows beautifully in the poem, as the poem flows wonderfully as a whole. "with your horde of young women about you like flies to a dead horse" Good line, especially when followed by that repetition. Emphasises the the conflict of emotion and between that emotion and the head, as every teen has I would perhaps think you could repeat that line once or twice more, punctuating her pain, reoeated explantation that she cried and the importance of the act. Amazing poem. The oportunity for mere teen angst was there aand I think you have avoided it. Teen angst can oft times be too whiney. This is not. well done
Deadly Nightshade Posted February 12, 2003 Author Report Posted February 12, 2003 Thank you, you always say good things about my poems I love you Hopper *Huggles* dont ever change
HopperWolf Posted February 12, 2003 Report Posted February 12, 2003 me? change? wouldn't dream of it!! Forever Silly!
DoomGaze Posted February 12, 2003 Report Posted February 12, 2003 Excellent poem Deadly Nightshade.... i like ur name too great imagery, and the title fits this perfectly, with teen troubles.... had so many of those myself, doesn't everyone? Again i gotta say, great poem, keep writing, i look forward into reading more.. Thx for sharing...
Vlad Posted February 12, 2003 Report Posted February 12, 2003 *blinks* This sounds exactly like something the girl that I used to have a crush on (still might, dunno...) would say/write. In fact, that was the reason I like her: she could write. Well. You have the same gift, use it.
Gyrfalcon Posted February 12, 2003 Report Posted February 12, 2003 *Gyrfalcon applauds* Good work, Nightshade.
Rune Posted February 12, 2003 Report Posted February 12, 2003 Very passionate and intense. I can tell it was written from the heart. I like how it is written in kind of a raw, rough draft instead of a structured poem form. I think that adds to the intensity. I sort of feel like im reading someones journal instead of something they posted, which also adds to the overall feeling. Good Job! oh and btw, never put yourself down like that silly. Your work isnt here to be compared (like what you posted in your intro) You share your writing at the pen to get honest feedback. And Im really glad you did, cause it's bloody brilliant.
Peredhil Posted February 12, 2003 Report Posted February 12, 2003 Really well done, passionate read. You have an intuitive feel for communication. Like Rune said, the Pen is where you go to learn to refine yourself. A tip from an experienced writer... if you put your heart into your work, if it's not sterile words... You're gonna be nervious when you post. The key is to let others do the criticizing, not yourself. Many writers, myself included, fall into the trap of putting their writing or themself down first before someone else can hurt them with a comment. Don't do it. And if someone says it's great... nod and say thank you - don't explain how it isn't. What you think you're doing is being modest, or explaining what vision you saw or felt that you couldn't communicate just right. What in fact you're doing is telling that person they were too stupid to notice your work sucked (although not in those words). Not a way to get honest feedback... Keep writing. Like any muscle, the more you exercise it, the stronger you become. -Peredhil
Quincunx Posted February 13, 2003 Report Posted February 13, 2003 With an expressive poem like that, I have only one critique. . . it needs _NO_ preface. Let the poems speak for themselves, as the commentaries show, we identified with it although few were in the same age/situation. A preface only limits your potential audience. --Tzimfemme, the naked mage
Falcon2001 Posted February 13, 2003 Report Posted February 13, 2003 (edited) The poem was excellent, a very masterful journey into the depths of depression and revenge. Yesterday night was probably the worst night of my life thus far. I had screwed up everything I had tried to ever do, my friends were making bad decisions, one of my friends was cutting herself, another was getting an abortion, and yet another just got back together with her mildly abusive and very insecure boyfriend. I felt like shit warmed over, and I went straight home to an empty house and went to pull out the knife. My hand stopped, almost an inch from the handle. There was no force stopping me, nor was there any sort of godly intervention. Right there part of me forced it's voice back into my concious mind. I spent what seemed like an eternity just standing there staring at the knife handle. I thought about all I had to lose, and what I had to gain. I thought about who I was, and what I could be, and what I represented. I left the knife. No matter how badly someone treats you, no matter how horrid they make you feel about yourself, they're only right when you accept it. I spent years doing this, but the person who was really screwing me over was myself. Wherever you go - there you are. *pats Nightshade's cheek* Life really sucks sometimes. Your friends betray you, people you thought liked you suddenly turn on you, your parents are up in your space all the time, and nobody seems to care. Even on those days, we care. We all care. You're a member of our family now here at the Pen, and any time you need some help, you can talk to us. We don't judge you, we don't hate you, we welcome you with open arms. If you ever need to talk to someone, catch me on an IM or email me or anyone else that you know here (Hopper seems like a good sorta person), and we can help you out. Sometimes the hardest part is asking for help. Sorry about sounding so weird, but I'm serious. I just went through a whole bunch of this crap, and I do NOT want any of my second family going through this either. Edited February 13, 2003 by Falcon2001
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