DoomGaze Posted February 5, 2003 Report Posted February 5, 2003 Unsaid Words ----------------------- Speak clearly, For fog runs through my mind. Listen patiently, My words are silent, hard to find. You ask me what's wrong. I try to speak. Telling me to be strong, When I know I am weak. A storm brews in my head, Ever so violent it thrashes. Every thought of you, dead, My whole system crashes. You start to walk away, But who are you going to? You disappear, and I stay. Then the words come out..."I Love You"
Tasslehoff Posted February 5, 2003 Report Posted February 5, 2003 * slowly rises from seat and then shouts * "OH NO! We have a romantic!!! " Upon hearing such harsh words the entire room clears out OOC: Ha Ha.. Just kidding. Very well done Doom. Very Good.
Rune Posted February 5, 2003 Report Posted February 5, 2003 The poem flows well, structure and word wise. There arnt any mispellings or grammer errors that ive noticed. It's a good symbolic and image intensive representation of trying to say "i love you" the first time. It also maintains a single character perspective which minimizes confusion. The only part that sticks out, and only minor-like is this section: A storm brews in my head, Ever so violent it thrashes. Every thought of you, dead, My whole system crashes. The first part, regarding the storm..makes sense. He is trying to get his thoughts together to express his love but its like a storm. Only slightly confusing part is the "every thought of you, dead" and the word system for some reason feels out of place. This could just be my inability to connect with the poem in that particular spot and others may not have the same difficulty..but I wanted to comment and figured Id mention it.
Archaneus Posted February 5, 2003 Report Posted February 5, 2003 I agree with Rune, that part sounds like it doesn't fit, but besides that it's great. Tasslehoff: Nothing wrong with romantics, I'm one too. Lol.
reverie Posted February 5, 2003 Report Posted February 5, 2003 i get it... ...my take of what going on here... Two's ppls are together... ...the girl prolly asked something along the lines of "watcha thinking?" and the guy goes blank... Totally blank... all emotions numbed atleast to the outside world... while the troubled youth type guy surcomes to inner turmoil trying to discern just what the hell's going in his head... Finally grl get tired trying to cracked him, so goes off to let him be alone in his our emotional wreckage type fight... then guy comes to conclusion that he "loves her" which was what he was prolly struggling to face and say in the first place.... okay that was fun... revery the dreamlost "back to reality" slim shady... the dream continues...
Vlad Posted February 6, 2003 Report Posted February 6, 2003 I like this poem, It has a serene feel to it... Just what I need. Thank you.
DoomGaze Posted February 6, 2003 Author Report Posted February 6, 2003 What i mean about dead is not that he doesn't care about the girl anymore, it's that, the words are there in a sense but he cant express them to her, and it kills him inside because of this... OR maybe the word "dead" is too powerful for this kind of poem.. Thx for the critism Rune... always appreciated
HopperWolf Posted February 6, 2003 Report Posted February 6, 2003 I disagree with Rune, I LOVE this poem, and I think the stanza fits perfectly. reading the reply solidified this I mean, I've been in that situation myself before, and it feels dark. It's a great poem Doom. I think it expresses dead on. That last stanza strikes a chord with me. It's like (to me) the words are always there, searching for a way to come out. But when they don't then frustration builds for both people, and it gets increasingly harder to say it. But always the words are there, and in private, once she/he has gone, then you can think it straight, but of course they've gone. urgh hrm. wonder if I'm remotely close? even if not, it struck me and that's a good poem in my book. grats
Tasslehoff Posted February 7, 2003 Report Posted February 7, 2003 Archaneus, It was a purely a joke, for I too am just a helpless romantic. =S
Ozymandias Posted February 7, 2003 Report Posted February 7, 2003 I too, wondered a bit about the line "every thought of you dead". It seemed rather more despairing than the rest of the poem, but then on rereading it did seem to fit more as the poem seemed to read more of anguished frustration that deep, dark sadness. In all, a well put harangue on how slow our minds can be compared to our hearts...
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