Justin Silverblade Posted February 4, 2003 Report Posted February 4, 2003 (edited) Tiny Back Story: Whenever I decide I want to write, or be inspired in some way, I open up my word document and type what comes to mind. Then, when I'm done (whether I've got anything "finished" or not) I leave it in there, and save it. When I truly finish a work, I give it its own document, or sort it accordingly, but it leaves my 'work in progress' kind of document. So I've got one word doc with lots and lots of unfinished blurbs. I sat down to start something anew - a poetry project that I hope will be a real great (and more lengthly than my usual), emotional poem, and little came for this session. Then, I saw this wonderful poem that I started, and added a couple of lines, edited some words, and voila! From unfinshed to finished. I rather like it. Feel free to critique, comment, or just say 'it's great' or 'it sucks.' Either way, I do hope you enjoy it. ~~~ A Midnight Sigh On silent blades of jade, Worldly weights whisper past. A hefty breath as sure as sin: A frosty glow in dark it cast, In empty space and silent air, All the wind without a mast. All the thought in single act, No other feat would have last. Edited February 4, 2003 by Justin Silverblade
Tasslehoff Posted February 4, 2003 Report Posted February 4, 2003 I dont know quite what to say. Its hard to say much, for I dont get the imagery. What is this about exactly my friend?
Justin Silverblade Posted February 4, 2003 Author Report Posted February 4, 2003 (edited) Ever had to just... sigh? That's the poem - though I dare say I tried to put a little more than that into it. Maybe too much, if the imagry is too vauge - which is something that I've been told I do once in a while. That's the best way I can describe starting you off (as I dare not interpret it for ya, that's half the fun) The imagery is that (put down to a not-quite artsy, line by line-ish description): Grass sways in a breeze (or by sigh, you choose) A heavy sigh at night It can be seen (you know, when ya see your breath?) That's not all of it, but should help. (don't want to give away all my secrets, now, do I?) Edited February 4, 2003 by Justin Silverblade
Impostor Posted February 4, 2003 Report Posted February 4, 2003 It's pretty good. but It's not simple enough. like "a frosty glow in dark it cast" for example would be a great line for some sort of fantasy poem, but for a poem about a sigh it's very convoluted. Impostor one thing's for sure, but what is it?
Archaneus Posted February 4, 2003 Report Posted February 4, 2003 Good but, I agree with imposter. It sounds like you made it too... elegant and vague.
Justin Silverblade Posted February 5, 2003 Author Report Posted February 5, 2003 (edited) Wow... alright. It's funny, I never thought of it as too convoluted. It's supposed to tell a story. A sigh is never "just a sigh." If I may (though I'm sure your attention wavers, and I thank you for listening so far): Grass understands plight, every day, it has to endure the maddness of creatures of movement, who can't stand to stand, to not trod on beauty. They understand, and bow, as the evenings digressions do but lay upon them, and brush by them, like a blanket. They do not question, and do not become agitated. They understand, and accept things. Much as "s/he" did, when they let go the thought upon their mind. For within a sigh there stands a great deal of emotion. To look up and wonder, to hear, to listen, to love, to lose, to help, to be impotent, to quench thirst, to know nothing, and everything... sometimes there's no good way to express this, and this time, they let it go. Certainly a sin - whether it was the thought, or the act itself - something was not just in such a letting-go. And equally as useless, was this act. The air, humble (as that's the word I now use, in an edited version), knows this plight well, and abides it dilagently. In the darkness of midnight only rarely do active emotions flow... the space of nightfall is open to this, ready as an ocean to accept a grain of sugar. Meaningless, but yet not full so equally able to accept it. And that is important, but for 's/he' it is not enough, for it is not the intent. Where is it to go? What is it to do? If put behind some kind of method, some kind of progress, such effort and raw emotion could be cultivated, but there is no ship to row forth, no monument to build, no trials - no longer. It is not giving up, but simply giving. It has to go somewhere, and it is Midnight that recives such a gift tonight. And how else does one pay tribute to the darkness than with subtlety? How does one speak the launguage of silence? Ironic and appropriate that their only ability to express lies in a similar fashion to that of the silent method of the night. Nothing else would quite have done, and nothing else would have succeeded in spending such feelings so... well, even if it was simply a 'waste'. So, yes, I think it is elegant, and it must be vauge - how else can poetry describe such scantily clad emotions? Simpler? Perhaps, but I don't know how I could accurately transcribe the prose above into written poetry and yet be more simple than what I have been. So, there's my two cents Please, by all means, post yours. - Justin Edited February 5, 2003 by Justin Silverblade
Impostor Posted February 5, 2003 Report Posted February 5, 2003 Am I alone when I think my criticism was good if only in that it gave us the above post? My response, although it feels somewhat crude: "Yes, but in that case, why must it rhyme?" While I think rhyme is very important, and usually don't like poems without it, it seems like in the particular line I already quoted, it's bending [english] over backwards just to rhyme. And it's like trampling your own poem no less than if at the end you added some sort of lawnmower joke line. Sorry to be so harsh, it's obviously better than any of my poetry, but I just can't help but feel the what could be the crystality of it is dragged by "A frosty glow in dark it cast" If I could offer constructive criticism, I would say worry less about it rhyming. Impostor I wear a suit and tie, but my heart is filled with gloom
Rune Posted February 5, 2003 Report Posted February 5, 2003 Wow, this whole conversation is way over my head.. but without reading any of the responses and just reacting to the poem..i sort of like its obscure'ness. It's one of those poems you walk away from going "huh?" That doesnt make it bad, but it doesnt leave the reader with a sense of the poem and you, as the poet..it more leaves them with a sense of general thoughtfulness. Guess it really depends on what your looking for. To comment on that other post you made, where you explained the poem in detail... that post was an interesting read on its own! Im glad you posted both.
HopperWolf Posted February 6, 2003 Report Posted February 6, 2003 I have to agree with the thought that the poem strikes me as too much for as sigh, not that I disagree with the intent, I agree that there is always more to a sigh, and like the idea you are trrying to put across. But to me, the poem doesn't so much imply more behind the sigh, rather I get the impression that the imagery used is too fast, too active for a sigh. To me there isn't anything behind it, just imagery of a pacy wind, cutting around and through whatever is in it's way. Of course, that's just my thoughts on it. If i had read the idea behind it first I might have viewed it differently. Still, I do really love the imagery used "On silent blades of jade" What an opener! very good. I think my problem is I see a darker piece than you intended.
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