Vlad Posted February 4, 2003 Report Posted February 4, 2003 I walk by everyday, Seeing you in that way, Is this what true love is, I sometimes will ask, Like a soda it will fizz, But then die in a cask, You don't think about me, You don't know what I feel, And you never will see, Me get down and kneel, Surmise my agony, You're not my fifth wheel, You say it's not meant to be, But I stand like an ape, Surprised and heartbroken, You say there is no "we", But I can only gape, Surprised that I have no token, Of what these past years, Meant for your lies, I feel that the ends draw near, And part of me dies, Because I walk by everyday, But I'll never look at you the same way.
reverie Posted February 4, 2003 Report Posted February 4, 2003 och... that's tough... small note on flow... a hypen prolly work well in place of the comma after the word 'see' in the third line of the 3rd stanza: You don't think about me, You don't know what I feel, And you never will see- Me get down and kneel, Surmise my agony, You're not my fifth wheel, My own personal taste would prolly have me de-captilize the 'm' in "ME" then shift the 4th line over some... but that's just my loose style... but that might conflict with the rest of your structure... nice "return" at the end... rev...
Rune Posted February 5, 2003 Report Posted February 5, 2003 I struggled here: Surprised that I have no token, Of what these past years, perhaps because the line break makes me take a pause when reading and so I was a bit confused when I picked it back up. Could just be me though, others might not have the same problem. Great ending and great poem overall. Thanks for posting it.
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