RE: Rain

[Cyril Darkcloud]

For those who would like to read Jonathan's poem, it can be found here.

 

Jonathan, I really enjoyed this piece of poetry. Here are a few thoughts on what I think makes it work:

 

Stanza 1

It is unclear whether the point of view is from inside behind blinded windows or from outside on the street. Often, this lack of clarity can hurt a poem but here it adds a great deal of strength as these two points of view produce complimentary readings of the piece. Whether or not it was intentional, this is a great touch.

 

For example: If the narrator is inside, behind the blinded windows, he is ‘blinded’ to what happens outside – he hears the cars rather than sees them, he has no sky because he cannot see it [only a ceiling] and the sound of rain is what would make him conscious that the sky is not blue. If the narrator is outside, one has the feel and sight of a rainy day in which the comfort of what is inside is closed away behind blinded windows.

 

The neat thing here, is that from either perspective, the focus is on what is happening outside.

 

Transition Point - The simplicity of a single word, ‘wet,’ again is well chosen and well-placed here especially with how it plays off of the final two lines of the poem and makes a bridge from the first stanza to the second.

 

Stanza 2

The focus shifts – no longer are we concerned with the outside, rather the action is entirely inside. The reader is free to assume that this is what takes place behind the ‘blinded windows’ above. In keeping with the shift in place and focus, you also describe the impressions of different senses – touch replaces hearing.

 

Despite the difference, the loneliness of the rainy street under dark skies [outside] is mirrored by the loneliness of a room that is too warm and whose windows are blinded [inside]. Inside is disconnected from outside and both are lonely.

 

Reaction Point - Great touch! A personal action that contrasts with the moisture of rain and that really caries a lot of weight in its 2 words. You separate them with a comma and yet one can also read them as ‘dry swallow’. Cool.

 

Final Word - Again, here one word says a lot. What seems to make this single word work so well as a concluding statement is the movement you set up between the rainy outside and the loneliness of being inside on a rainy day. Because of the way you develop the images and themes of the poem, rain can mean a few things here all of which tie in well to the rest of the poem.

 

This is a super example of the use of structure and images to work together to say something much more powerfully than either structure alone or images alone could. From what I’ve read of your stuff, Jonathan, the images seem to come easily to you – this poem shows you can do good things with the structure of verses as well. Structure is the harder thing to master and learn, but this is a fine start.

Edited February 14, 2003 by Cyril Darkcloud