Canid Posted January 27, 2003 Report Posted January 27, 2003 Have Yourself A Wiggly Little ChristmasHave yourself a wiggly little Christmas. Let your thoughts be light, For they always know what you Have thought each night! If you have a wiggly little Christmas, You had best beware, From now on your troubles Will be theirs to share. Wiggly cabbages are powerful, They won’t always tell, you what they’ll do! So you'd best be sharing cheer with them, Or they just might come, after you! Someday soon, They’ll be a whole lot kinder, If the Fates allow, Until then we’ll have to Muddle through somehow! So try to enjoy, A wiggly little Christmas now! Welcome to the heavily belated release of the first Pen movie of the new boards! Please take a seat, try to ignore the fact that Christmas was more than a month ago, and enjoy the film! -Canid [instrumental to “A Merry Little Christmas” plays quietly in the background.] OR [Classical music plays quietly in the background.] Scene 1 It is morning, post sunrise. We see a snowy bank against a fence. A large trapdoor-circle of the snow lifts up, a layer of ground clinging to the bottom, and a merry golden glow issues from the opening. CUT TO Scene 2 We have an angled view from above as Tzimfemme, in her Dr. Tzimfemmenstein garb, walks toward Tzimfemme Labs Inc. and unlocks the front door. CUT TO Scene 1 Prospero approaches the opening with his nose to the ground, sniffing. Minyex follows him nervously. Canid sticks her head out of the hole with a welcoming smile. CUT TO Scene 2 The camera follows Tzimfemme as she walks around a large room in the Labs with numerous tables, littered with papers and clean lab equipment, and doors at the side labelled with the projects and experiments behind them. Tzimfemme turns on the lights, puts on coffee and picks up a clipboard. CUT TO Scene 1 Minyex and Prospero enter the hole. The camera remains on the outside. [Jingling harness sounds.] CANID: Here we go… try this one Minyex. MINYEX: [small, unaggressive dragon noise.] The light from the hole flickers as the occupants move around. CUT TO Scene 2 The camera follows Tzimfemme as she makes her rounds of the experiment rooms, checking things off on her clipboard. The third door has “WIGGLY CABBAGE ROOM” written on it. Tzimfemme turns on the light and stops in this doorway, blocking our view of the interior. [The music volume increases slightly.] We see a close up of the hand in which Tzimfemme holds the clipboard and pencil, as she releases them, the camera follows them in slow motion to the ground. As Tzimfemme screams, we see the room, which has all the cupboard doors open and is completely empty apart from a broken beaker on the counter. TZIMFEMME: [Long, trilling scream.] CUT TO Scene 1 [“A Wiggly Little Christmas” is sung in full volume, fading into “Holly Jolly Christmas” at the end.] CANID: And off we go! Minyex emerges from the hole in the snow walking mainly on his forelimbs because there is a large red-velvet-covered bundle clutched in his hind legs. He is wearing a riding harness which is strapped comfortably to the two wolves on his back. The camera follows him as he walks past the choir singing “A Wiggly Little Christmas” then launches up into the air, the red-bag fluttering cheerfully behind him. We then see flying scenes cut together with views of merry Christmas morning scenes as seen from the dragon. During this sequence of scenes, the title “A Wiggly Christmas” comes up in wiggling gold-trimmed green letters and the names of the directors and lead actors also are shown one at a time in similar lettering. As the song ends, the dragon lands at the entrance to The Pen’s main hall and the three companions walk into the Cabaret Room, which is a bustle with practically everyone in the Pen, all enjoying the party. Waterlilly, dressed as a waitress in a high-class establishment offers Minyex a drink. MINYEX: Arlp! Minyex jumps five feet, knocking over one of the numerous small tables with a crash. Few of the party-goers notice. WATERLILLY: Hmph! Waterlilly storms off and Canid goes to calm down Minyex. A shriek is heard from somewhere in the crowd and we see Prospero dashing off with someone’s Christmassy dress. Canid empties the Christmas sack she had brought under the Christmas tree and makes her way over to a table where Gyrfalcon is enwrapping Gwaihir (who is in her underclothes) in an evening robe, and Wyvern is seated, eyes fastened on the presents beneath the tree. GWAIHIR: I paid 200 geld for that gown! He’ll probably bury it in the snow and ‘mark’ the spot. GYRFALCON: I’m sure we’ll see your dress again and the wolf before the evening is out. Hello Canid! CANID: Hello Gyrfalcon…. Gwaihir’s guess wasn’t bad. GWAIHIR: [Angry sound.] Gwaihir scowls at Gyrfalcon who hands her, her wine with a smile, she takes the glass and has a sip. GYRFALCON: [sigh.] I’m going to have to do something about that wolf one of these days. Canid grins and takes a wine-skin from her invisible pack, holding it to toast with. CANID: Cheers! Gyrfalcon, Canid and Gwaihir toast and take a drink. We see the entrance hall where Zool is running a comb through his hair in front of a mirror and straightening his tie while his rubber chickens give him the ‘thumbs’ up. Inspector I. M. Clueless walks in and takes off his hat to Zool. CLUELESS: Evening Pered. my good man! ZOOL: I’m Zool… and could you please ask Gyrfalcon to move my portrait into the hall? I think pretty much everyone is here now and I don’t want to miss anything. RUBBER CHICKENS: [Approving clucking.] CLUELESS: Certainly! Sorry about the name, it’s strange how often people change their names… Prospero starts to trot past as Clueless enters. Inspector Clueless addresses him. CLUELESS: Excuse me Gyrfalcon, but old Lumpy-tariat wants you to take his painting in from the hall; there’s a good fellow. Clueless pats Prospero on the rump at “there’s a good fellow” and continues on. We see Lady Celles Crusader and her cats talking to Cheyenne. CELLES: Cream? Celles holds up the cream jug. Cheyenne & Cambronne reply in unison. CHEYENNE: Yes please. CAMBRONNE: Mrrrow. Celles pours a saucer of cream and sets it in front of the cat. Cheyenne looks distastefully at the dark liquid in her cup and puts it down. CHEYENNE: These purple fuzzy things Canid brings everywhere have robbed my sweet Wyvern twice, you’d think something could be done about them! CLUELESS: Wyvern! Clueless grabs Cambronne. CELLES: Aaaah! CLUELESS: You won’t talk your way out of this one villain! You will pay back your- CAMBRONNE: Hisssss! Cambronne scratches Clueless. CLUELESS: Ow! Cambronne jumps into Celles’ hands. CAMBRONNE: [Disgruntled cat noises.] Another shriek is hear from somewhere in the crowds. CELLES: Inspector! My cat is not Wyvern! CLUELESS: Of course it is – I’ve never seen such a cheap cat costume in my life. Clueless looks at the cat and yells. CLUELESS: Do you hear me you vile reptile! Celles and Cheyenne respond in anger simultaneously. CELLES: Cheap?! Il est un real chat! Tu es un serpent insultant sans cervelle! CHEYENNE: How dare you insult my sweet lizard! CLUELESS: I’m not too sure what you said but I do apologize for my mistake ladies – can never be too careful in my business you know! Another shriek is heard in the crowd and Clueless turns toward it looking flustered. Orlan approaches the flustered ladies with a jug of eggnog and some cups. ORLAN: Have some eggnog ladies, Inspector I. M. Clueless does that to everybody. We see Minta Rose streaking through the crowds in her underclothes. MINTA: Come back here you mangy, flea bitten pervert!!! ELROND: Minta?! Minta ends standing fuming in the entrance hall in front of Zool’s portrait. Zool grins and snaps his fingers. The rubber chickens retrieve a dressing gown as he speaks. ZOOL: So that was your dress that Prospero ran off with this time. How does he manage to get them off you so quickly? Zool hands the robe through the portrait. Minta receives it scowling and puts it on. MINTA: If I knew that, he wouldn’t have managed it. ZOOL: Do you think you could do me a favour and bring me in while you’re here? Minta retrieves a stepladder from the opposite wall and climbs it, takes Zool’s portrait off the wall and carries it in. We return to the table where Gyrfalcon, Gwaihir, Wyvern and Canid are seated. CANID: It was only about a year ago. He had been attacked by a were-cat and was in the care of a mage who hadn’t even thought to heal his wings when I rescued him. It is amazing how much Minyex has recovered since then – I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get him to let two wolves ride on him this morning. GWAIHIR: You might have a repeat if he tries to eat my wiggly cabbages. CANID: I warned him about tho- your? GYRFALCON: Gwaihir was elected the official representative of wiggly cabbages in the Pen yesterday and is hopefully already working on keeping them away from me? Gyrfalcon gives Gwaihir a meaningful look. Gwaihir sniffs indignantly. GWAIHIR: I sold the cloning rights to Tzimfemme so all of the wiggly cabbages in the district are currently in her lab. Wyvern looks around sharply, a nervous expression on his face, but no one notices due to Gyrfalcon’s outburst and he self-consciously returns to staring at the presents. GYRFALCON: You did what?! ZOOL: [Chuckling.] CANID: [Muttered:] As long as they still smell like cabbages Prospero should be safe…. GWAIHIR: The cabbages have agreed to monitor the process and make sure that nothing dangerous is produced. GYRFALCON: I don’t trust those plants to keep things in check any more than I trust a purple fuzzy thing in the Pen’s treasury! GWAIHIR: Don’t get me started on those little rodents! My cabbages are a hundred times more trustworthy than purple fuzzy nightmares any day of the week! You didn’t bring any, did you Canid? Canid replies scowling. CANID: They are decorating the tree. Gyrfalcon points at the Christmas tree, the camera follows his gesture to the tree and focuses on several mouse-sized creatures with very fuzzy purple fur sticking out about an inch on all sides engaged in making binoculars out of the popcorn strings. TZIMFEMME: [screamed:] It’s over! All is lost! The camera pivots to the entranceway of the Cabaret Room in a split second. Tzimfemme collapses dramatically and is caught literally two inches from the floor by Inspector I. M. Clueless. There is a second of hushed silence in which even the music stops, then a wave of mumbles and whispers spreads across the room. CLUELESS: Don’t mean to be a bother, but would someone help us up here? This is not an easy position to maintain unfortunately. Peredhil nods and steps forward, putting his hands under Clueless’ shoulders and lifting him out of the 15° angle he is making with the floor in order to hold up Tzimfemme who is making the exact same angle in the opposite direction. CLUELESS: I must say, thank-you Orlan… ELROND: It’s Elrond Peredhil. You are quite welcome though. Clueless pats Peredhil a couple times on the back and carries the still unconscious Tzimfemme over to the table where Gyrfalcon, Canid, Gwaihir, Zool and Wyvern are standing in surprise. Canid pulls out another chair and Gyrfalcon helps Clueless ease Tzimfemme into it. Clueless immediately begins pacing back and forth over three feet of floor. The rubber chickens in Zool’s portrait immediately begin to fan the unconscious Tzimfemme. [The party music slowly starts up again.] CLUELESS: Right! It must have been a chemical that knocked her out in the doorway! So it must have been someone who was here today who wanted Gwaihir unconscious before she could reveal her terrible secret… GWAIHIR: Excuse me, I’m Gwaihir. CLUELESS: And they must have known when she would come in and set it up so no one but Gwaihir would be affected – OR it was a trigger mechanism! Which means whoever wanted Gwaihir unconscious is still here! GWAIHIR: I am Gwaihir! CLUELESS: What? GWAIHIR: I am Gwaihir. This is Tzimfemme. CLUELESS: Tizvem? GWAIHIR: This is Tzimfemme. CLUELESS: Good lord. Tzimfemme, sorry about that. So, whoever wan- GYRFALCON: Hold on! I think she’s coming to! Tzimfemme twitches her nose and starts to make sniffing noises. TZIMFEMME: Ocit…. CLUELESS: Well, I’m completely clueless about this one if no one knocked her out. TZIMFEMME: Ocit…. CLUELESS: That means she just fainted – nothing to go on there…. TZIMFEMME: Chocit…. GWAIHIR: Oh! Gwaihir takes one of the chocolates off the table and wafts it under Tzimfemme’s nose. Tzimfemme follows it for a bit, then slowly opens her eyes and brings her head forward as Gwaihir pulls the chocolate back. TZIMFEMME: Chocolate! Tzimfemme’s hands shoot forward and grab the chocolate. She holds it under her nose and breathes hungrily in before shoving it into her mouth. Clueless clears his throat importantly and points to the entrance doors. CLUELESS: Seal the exits! A crime has been committed and no one leaves this building until suspects are apprehended. My name is Inspector I. M. Clueless and I ask everyone to be patient and cooperative to speed the proceedings along. Orlan pushes his way toward the table. ORLAN: Are you sure you should be doing this Clueless? You are not known for your memory or accuracy…. CLUELESS: I don’t know what you’re talking about! ORLAN: That was my point. Brute stretches up to be seen through the crowd, he is holder a very large mug of ale and has numerous wet stains all over his shirt. BRUTE: Will there be enough drink to stop us becoming sober until then? Wyvern holds up his decanter of endless booze. WYVERN: No problems there! CLUELESS: We are ready then…. Tzimfemme, what happened? Clueless leans in close to Tzimfemme’s face, staring intently, she bites her lips and pushes him back a few inches before speaking. TZIMFEMME: I had a contract with Gwaihir to clone the wiggly cabbages. When I opened up the labs this morning, the entire Wiggly Cabbage Room was empty. Formulas, cabbages and lab-equipment gone! Tzimfemme bursts into noisy tears and cries into Gyrfalcon’s shoulder. CLUELESS: What on Terra is a Wiggly Cabbage? GWAIHIR: They are intelligent psychi- GYRFALCON: They are frightening nasty hot-tempered arrogant plants that look like cabbages and wiggle their silly leaves about. They are a shifting rainbow of colours so they can lure innocent people in! GWAIHIR: They do not! They are colourful because they are beautiful, peaceful art lov- GYRFALCON: Peaceful? Your little cabbage patch tried to KILL me! CANID: At least they are tasty? Another shriek is hear in the crowd. CLUELESS: Ahem!!! Everybody turns to look at the inspector. CLUELESS: Who here might be considered the authority on Wiggly Cabbages? Gyrfalcon pouts and points to Gwaihir. GWAIHIR: I’ve been appointed their official representative at The Pen. CLUELESS: Would you please give me the vitals then? GWAIHIR: Wiggly Cabbages are colourful, sentient cabbages with powerful magic and psychic abilities. They can’t move except for wiggling their leaves. Clueless makes a long note on his notepad while Gwaihir and Gyrfalcon exchange glares and Canid nudges the party food toward them. CLUELESS: Now Tzimfemme, when, exactly, did you enter this Wiggly Cabbage Room? TZIMFEMME: [sobbingly:] Ten minutes ago…. I locked up and came straight here. CLUELESS: When did you last see the contents of the Wiggly Cabbage Room? TZIMFEMME: Last night. I left early, at eight o’clock to finish wrapping my presents. The labs need daily attention. CLUELESS: Does anyone else have access to these Labs? TZIMFEMME: Not at this time of the year. Normally there are a number of Lab-assistants who have separate entry cards and codes, but only mine is allowed access in December, everyone wants their holidays off. CLUELESS: Are wiggly cabbages valuable? Wyvern snaps his head up. TZIMFEMME: Potentially. They are very powerful… and farmers use them to- CLUELESS: Right! I have comprised a list of subjects. ORLAN: This ought to be interesting… CANID: Subjects? ZOOL: I suspect he meant suspects. CLUELESS: Peredhil here, Clueless gestures to Gyrfalcon. CLUELESS: has a grudge against the wiggly cabbages for trying to kill him… GYRFALCON: That’s outrageous! I’d never steal! …. And my name is Gyrfalcon! CLUELESS: The wolf thinks wiggly cabbages taste good… thus wanted to eat them. ZOOL: I’ll back Gyrfalcon – he’d never steal. CANID: [Low rumbling growl.] Like Gyrfalcon… I’d NEVER steal. CLUELESS: My third suspect… and as a perpetrator of so many others, the most likely suspect, Wyvern may have stolen the cabbages for money. Wyvern opens his mouth, then slips guiltily under the table. MINYEX: [Frightened dragon yelp.] WYVERN: Hey! Minyex shoots out from under the table and into Inspector I. M. Clueless. CLUELESS: Ha! Your fear shows your guilt your overgrown lizard! Minyex quakes and scrabbles desperately to pull himself away from Clueless. We hear a snap and see that Clueless has handcuffed one of Minyex’s legs. MINYEX: [screech of terror.] CLUELESS: You won’t escape this time Wyvern! CANID: Unhand that dragon! Canid horse-kicks the inspector with her hind legs, sending him into the Christmas tree. FUZZIES: [Hissss!] One of the purple fuzzy things bites the inspector’s arm. Canid takes the handcuffs off Minyex’s leg. The dragon hugs her tightly and Canid appears to be having trouble breathing through the hug. CLUELESS: OW! Get off me! Clueless drags himself off and removes the purple fuzzies from his person in a terrified manner. The fuzzies stand on the floor and continue to hiss at him. Clueless marches back to the table rubbing the fuzzy bite. CLUELESS: Conspiracy! GYRFALCON: Now hold on just a minute Inspector. Gyrfalcon puts his hand out to stop the inspector’s march toward the dragon. GYRFALCON: That was not Wyvern. That was Minyex. CANID: [Gasped:] Let go! Minyex looks worried and releases the wolf from his hug. She falls to the ground and sucks in the air hungrily. Someone in the crowd shrieks. WYVERN: Get away from me! Wyvern moves out from under the table backwards, flapping his wings so that the purple fuzzies fall off. He opens his money pouch. WYVERN: Ahh! Wyvern pulls out one purple fuzzie and throws it back into the Christmas tree, then withdraws another which is grinning and clutching coins to itself. Wyvern enters into a tug of war with the fuzzy while the other fuzzies empty the pouch. CANID: All of you! Put the money back in Wyvern’s pouch and go back to that tree! You are breaking your promises! The fuzzies squeak in protest but do as they are told. CLUELESS: Wyvern? Wyvern turns around and looks at Clueless, startled. CLUELESS: Wyvern! I’ve got you at last! WYVERN: No! Wyvern climbs onto the table, scattering plates of food and drink everywhere, then dashes for the door but trips over Waterlilly. CLUELESS: Got you! Clueless snaps his handcuffs onto Wyvern’s ankles and stands victoriously over him. GWAIHIR: I can’t believe he actually caught him after all this time. GYRFALCON: Do you think he really did it? I mean, I know he does things like this a lot… but stealing from Pen members…. I’m not sure if he would. WYVERN: I deny everything! CANID: You don’t have any actual proof that he did this Clueless. Clueless picks up Wyvern’s foot suspiciously and peals off a wiggly cabbage leaf. The music stops for the second time and all the onlookers collectively gasp. Another person in the crowd shrieks. CLUELESS: Lead us to the Pen dungeons! [A cricket chirps.] Clueless taps his foot impatiently. Peredhil, with his polite air, steps forward, bowing to Clueless and leads Clueless and Wyvern through one of the doors, Wyvern hanging his head in shame. As they begin their solemn march, the musicians play orchestral style, being-led-to-the-dungeons, type music. The camera pulls back to take in the general chaos of the disturbed tables. BRUTE: [Hiccup.] He-haa! Bartender, beer for everyone who isn’t cleaning up this room tonight! [Hiccup.] Brute sways back below the heads of the crowd again. We see a different part of the crowd where Waterlilly is batting some offending substance off her waitress’ apron. Scarlet O’Harpy holds up a rag and a spray bottle with a pointy-toothed grin on her face. Waterlilly realizes she’s being watched and turns to see what Scarlet O’Harpy is doing and responds by knocking the objects off screen. The camera stays put while we hear the next line. PERSON: Ow. We see the table where Tzimfemme, Gyrfalcon, Gwaihir, Canid and Zool are again. TZIMFEMME: Well… that’s half the mystery solved at least… Tzimfemme grins suddenly. TZIMFEMME: Is there anymore chocolate? Gyrfalcon holds salvages a platter of chocolates from the wreckage and holds it forward to Tzimfemme, who gleefully grabs it. GYRFALCON: I’m not going to feel safe until we find out what happened to those damn plants. CANID: Poor Wyvern… We hear steps and words of protest as Peredhil and Clueless re-enter the room. PEREDHIL: It seems unjust! CLUELESS: That scoundrel has been begging for this for years! PEREDHIL: But it is so impolite to just shove him in there… he should have at least been given the chance to walk in there on his own. CLUELESS: He was straining to get away. Clueless raises his hands to get everyone’s attention. CLUELESS: I want to thank you all for your patience here this evening! I am pleased to announce that the tyrant who perpetrated this monstrous crime is behind bars! The case is closed, you may now go to your homes. Have a good night everyone! GWAIHIR: [Quietly:] Hey… hang on… The doors of the building are swung open by Waterlilly and people start noisily and slowly making their way out, Clueless among them. Gwaihir pushes her way through the crowd toward Clueless. GWAIHIR: Hey! The case isn’t closed yet! What happened to the cabbages! CLUELESS: Cabbages? There is probably lots of salad left if you look. GWAIHIR: Inspector Clueless! What did Wyvern do with my wiggly cabbages! CLUELESS: Calm down my child… all is in hand. That criminal shall steal no longer. Goodnight Martha. Clueless leaves. GWAIHIR: Martha? Hey! Where’d that…. Gwaihir looks around in frustration then heads back to the table. GWAIHIR: What are we supposed to do now? Canid is looking curiously into Zool’s portrait. CANID: You can pass things in and out of there… do the rubber chickens ever come out? RUBBER CHICKENS: [Frenzy of explanatory clucking.] GWAIHIR: [Frantic:]I want my cabbages! [Whimpery crying noises.] GYRFALCON: It’s alright Gwaihir… we’ll…. Gyrfalcon shudders. GYRFALCON: We’ll find the cabbages. CANID: To the scene of the crime! Someone in the crowd shrieks. CANID: Minyex… will you allow us? The green dragon, looking rather worried, lays down. Canid jumps aboard and gestures for the others to follow. Gyrfalcon carries Zool’s portrait. Everyone straps themselves on. CANID: Okay Minyex… off we go! Canid pats the dragon who starts forward hesitantly. We see the base of the tree where the fuzzies are clustered around one oddly wrapped present. One of them pulls on one of the ribbons. The camera switches to a view of the entire room. There is a loud explosion at the base of the tree. Minyex rears back in terror hitting Waterlily who sends out her tentacles around Minyex’s riders. There is a lull in the commotion. ZOOL: Waterlilly… let go. CUT TO Scene 3 [sorrowful, slow violin music plays in the background of this scene.] Cheyenne creeps along in the darkness, sticking close to the stone sided building of The Pen. She is wearing a heavy hooded cloak and peaks nervously from side to side every few steps. She comes up to an iron barred basement window and crouches down, peering in with the utmost concern. CHEYENNE: Wyvern? My sweet Wyvern, do you rest? Wyvern’s face appears in the window, the very picture of the sorrowful dragon kept from his true love. WYVERN: Cheyenne, darling! How could I rest when your sweet self perfumes the very air? They stare at each other through the bars for several seconds while the sorrowful violin music gets louder. Wyvern sticks his snout through the bars and Cheyenne leans in to kiss him when a bucket of liquid splashes down on Cheyenne’s head. CHEYENNE: Eeeep! What foul scheme is this? Cheyenne and Wyvern look up and the camera follows their gaze to an overhead window where a plump housemaid in an apron and a bonnet is leaning out with a large handled pot. MAID: Who’s ‘at down there? And what foul scheme? I was just emptying the chamber pot. CHEYENNE: Do you always empty it on people’s heads? MAID: My apologies ma’am; I’ll use a different window next time. The maid goes back inside. Cheyenne sniffs her cloak and gags. CHEYENNE: I have to wear this all the way around to the front door again…. WYVERN: You could come through the building my sweet and take it off sooner. CHEYENNE: How? Wyvern sticks his arm out the window and points at a door a couple feet away that we saw her pass as she approached. CHEYENNE: Oh. Cheyenne gets up and opens the door, stepping in. She takes off the still dripping coat and dumps it against the opposite wall, then goes up to Wyvern’s cell and clings to the bars. CHEYENNE: Oh Wyvern… are they treating you ill? WYVERN: Worry not my love… they have been very kind without even knowing it: I swiped Inspector I. M. Clueless’ purse while he was trying to get me in here. Wyvern holds up a little leather, draw-string pouch proudly, stares at Cheyenne lovingly for another second then reaches through the bars with his free arm, wraps it around Cheyenne’s waist and draws her close, giving her a proper kiss. [We hear the first line of the next scene before the visual change is made.] CUT TO Scene 4 TZIMFEMME: That’s the wiggly cabbage room there. Tzimfemme, Gyrfalcon, Gwaihir, Zool and Canid are standing within the large room of Tzimfemme Labs Inc. with all the long tables with papers and lab equipment. Tzimfemme is pointing at the partially ajar door of the wiggly cabbage room. The clipboard and pencil Tzimfemme dropped at the beginning still lay where they fell in the doorway. Gwaihir is holding up Zool’s portrait which emanates the clucking noises of rubber chickens. Canid is standing up at a side table, her fore-paws placed on the counter, watching the hypnotic movement of frightened lab-mice in a cage. GYRFALCON: Canid. Canid doesn’t look up. GYRFALCON: Canid! The wolf turns her head to look at Gyrfalcon. GYRFALCON: I wouldn’t eat those if I were you Canid; most of the things in Tzim’s laboratory are not safe to be around, let alone edible. Canid lowers herself back down to the ground and trots over to Tzimfemme, sitting down beside her. TZIMFEMME: I was running through my morning checklist of materials and test subjects. The door was locked on the inside and inaccessible from the outside because of the security I have up around this building and the locks on the door to this room. ZOOL: This doesn’t sound like Wyvern’s scale of operation. I’ve never seen him pull such a clean job in his life. GWAIHIR: It’s always possible he got someone to do it for him. Canid pads slowly into the Wiggly Cabbage Room, sniffing intently as she goes. GYRFALCON: Got something Canid? CANID: There hasn’t been anyone else here. TZIMFEMME: What? CANID: The only recent scents in this room are Tzimfemme and wiggly cabbage. The only magical use I sense is the cabbages. Canid turns around and sits in the doorway. CANID: I’d say they came out by themselves. TZIMFEMME: Why would they? GWAIHIR: [suspiciously:] That’s a good question. What were you doing to them? GYRFALCON: Tzimfemme, Gwaihir; let’s find the cabbages and then you can ask them. ZOOL: Plus Wyvern needs to be let out of the dungeon. GYRFALCON: Canid, can you trace where the cabbages went? The wolf twitches her nose, closes her eyes and paces the Wiggly Cabbage Room a few times, then comes out shaking her head. CANID: They didn’t leave through the building. Unless they are hiding in there from all of us, they used their magic to get directly where they wanted to. GWAIHIR: Well a lot of good that does us! GYRFALCON: Let’s go release Wyvern… he’ll have that rabbit shooting carrots through is wings by now. CANID: Rabbit? GYRFALCON: Mr. Bunny is supposed to guard the prisoners and I’m willing to bet that Wyvern has already tried to sell him the Unofficial Mr. Bunny Cookbook featuring “the world’s greatest rabbit pie”. FADE TO Scene 5 Tzimfemme, and company enter the dark, empty entry hall of the Cabaret Room. Gyrfalcon is carrying Zool’s portrait and Canid is trailing as she is leading Minyex by a halter. ZOOL: I’ll stop here. There’s nothing more I can do and I suspect your arms will be getting tired by now. GYRFALCON: It was no trouble Zool. Have a good night. Gyrfalcon hands Zool back up on the wall as he says this and the little group proceeds into the Cabaret Room. Waterlilly is standing with her tentacles on the base on her stalk, the Waterlilly equivalent of hands on hips, pointing at one of the plentiful spilt plates of food while Scarlet O’ Harpy stands holding a broom and dustpan, glaring at the man-eating plant and showing all of her very pointy teeth. The little group heads for the side exit where Clueless had taken Wyvern earlier. The camera switches to a view of the stairs to the dungeon and follows the group as Tzimfemme, Gyrfalcon and Gwaihir come down them. We see Peredhil sitting on a bench in front of Wyvern’s cell while Wyvern, with eyes closed, is going through his sales garble. Waving a broken carrot around as he speaks. Numerous similarly broken carrots littler the ground within his cell. WYVERN: -so you see, Peredhil my friend, it is really much more tasty than it looks! I even ate several myself while you were excusing Mr. Bunny. I don’t think he’s ever thrown finer carrots in his life! I have it on unofficial word that Mr. Bunny grade carrots are entirely organic and twice… er, five times as nutritious as regular carrots. You see, even though you’d be buying a carrot that- GYRFALCON: What happened to Mr. Bunny? Wyvern opens his eyes and looks up. WYVERN: Oh, Hello Gyrfalcon. These carrots are 15 geld a piece, reduced from twenty if you’re interested. PEREDHIL: The combination of Mr. Bunny’s voice and the sound of the carrots hitting the wall was keeping people awake. I wasn’t going to sleep through it anyway, so I offered to take over. GYRFALCON: Well, polite one, you are relieved of duty. We have reason to believe Wyvern didn’t do it. PEREDHIL: Many thanks Gyrfalcon, Peredhil takes out the jail-keys and unlocks Wyvern from his cell. WYVERN: Free! Wyvern runs out and hugs Peredhil, then Gyrfalcon, then Gwaihir and Tzimfemme, then runs up the dungeon stairs, yelling as he goes. WYVERN: Free! Free! Free! Free! GWAIHIR: Where did Canid go? TZIMFEMME: I don’t think she followed us down. We here Canid yell from the upstairs. CANID: I found them! The little group bustles up the stairs and are pointed by Scarlet O’Harpy to a little door in the opening few feet of the Cabaret Room. Canid is standing in front of it, sniffing at the base of the door. Minyex is sitting against the opposite wall watching Waterlilly nervously. CANID: It’s the janitor’s closet, I can smell them in there, but it’s locked. GYRFALCON: Waterlilly, do you have the key? Waterlilly walks over to the closet and unlocks and opens the door. Covering every surface are wiggly cabbages, wiggling and shifting changing colours in rapid succession. Fixed at the top of the closet is a UV light which the cabbages had positioned themselves in reach of. A small cloud forms over Gyrfalcon’s head and starts raining. GYRFALCON: Hey! Stop that you damn plants! We just stopped you from spending your lives in a cleaner’s closet. Now how the hell did you get there? The rain turns to hail. GWAIHIR: They say they heard Waterlilly calling out for help, and feeling empathic for their fellow plant, they teleported themselves here to help her and took all the supplies from the room they were in so they could still guard them. PEREDHIL: Why did Waterlilly need help? GWAIHIR: Those purple fuzzy things were threatening to bite her. I should have known they were at the root of this… TZIMFEMME: Instead of accusing me. GWAIHIR: I never accused you! GYRFALCON: Could you please take them back to the lab now where they can’t hit me with ice? Tzimfemme nods and sticks her tongue out at Gwaihir when her back is time. TZIMFEMME: Come along now wiggly ones… Tzimfemme gathers the cabbages and their papers up in a spare sack from the janitor’s closet. TZIMFEMME: I have some proper soil waiting for you back at the labs. Gwaihir makes a puzzled face. GWAIHIR: The cabbages said the purple fuzzies managed to steal one of the documents on their genetics…. What would they want with that? CANID: They wouldn’t go after a piece of paper unless they had been told it was worth something… maybe someone hired them? GYRFALCON: You can hire purple fuzzies? CANID: Oh yes… if they think they are getting something expensive. Canid yawns and starts heading for the door. CANID: Goodnight Gyrfalcon. Come on Minyex. GYRFALCON: Goodnight Canid…. I hate wiggly cabbages…. they wigglied up Christmas. FADE TO BLACK FADE IN Scene 6 Canid unclips the last part of the harness on Minyex and gives him a pat to let him know he can fly off. She pads down into her den. Prospero, curled up on a neatly twirled stack of dresses lifts his head and grins. CANID: You have to give those back you know. CUT TO Scene 7 The camera is in the Christmas tree. Two purple fuzzies come in to view carrying broken carrots. They starts squeaking at each other and trying to pull the carrots out of each other’s grasp. The camera starts to pull back. CUT TO Scene 8 Camera is moving at the same rate as in Scene 7, making it seem to be a solid camera movement. We see Wyvern laying in bed, The camera is moving toward the bedside table and stops over several pages, stapled together, sitting on the bedside table. They are titled “Engineering Wiggly Cabbages – Classified”. [“Have Yourself a Wiggly Little Christmas” plays as the scene fades to the titles.] CreditsAs themselves: The Members of The Pen is Mightier than the Sword The wiggly cabbages The purple fuzzy things Written and Directed by: Canid Phoenix Canidae Lighting and Sound by: Elrond Peredhil Special Effects by: Rubber Chickens Paint-Shop Inc. Songs: Have Yourself a Wiggly Little Christmas Adapted by Canid P. Canidae, from Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Performed by The Humpbacks on Land Children’s Choir Christmas Music Performed by The Beatles Classical selections and Violin Performed by the New York Philharmonic Orchestra Special thanks to: The members of the Pen, for letting me borrow and potentially (though I assure you not deliberately) warp your characters for the purposes of this film. Gwaihir, Gyrfalcon, Tzimfemme and Wyvern for your specific help and advice during the writing stage of this production. Gwaihir for allowing me to put you in a dress and make you feminine for the length of the film - I'm paying you extra for that by the way. Wyvern for being so tolerant of me biting your tail so often during the filming stage… I’ve sent some purple fuzzies up with some balm and your check…… Have A Merry, Wiggly Christmas!
Falcon2001 Posted January 27, 2003 Report Posted January 27, 2003 YAY! Immensely funny, incredibly original, and downright incredible. One day I'll be featured in a story, I just know it
Gyrfalcon Posted January 27, 2003 Report Posted January 27, 2003 The half-elf cheers and applauds as the credits roll. As the movie theater clears out, he makes use of a restroom, then goes and buys the ticket for the second showing. "Don't you get free tickets, Gyr? You were an actor in it..." Falcon asks, and Gyrfalcon nods. "Sure, I got free tickets- but they only apply to the first showing. Now I have to pay like everyone else." "What happens to the money, anyway?" Falcon wondered, as wolves have little use for gold. The half-elf points to where the purple fuzzies are admiring the small mound of gold in front of them. "Repayment for their part in the movie, I think." Gyrfalcon said. "Oh." OOC: Excellent work, Canid! Well worth the wait. Gyrfalcon and Falcon gives it two thumbs up!
Peredhil Posted January 27, 2003 Report Posted January 27, 2003 Brilliant. You should be a director, Canid. Is there nothing a wolf can't do if it sets its mind to it? Simply amazing. I could 'see' it all. Plus, a very fun read. of course, it won't make any sense to people who don't know our personae, but it reads so well, it's a small point.
Gwaihir Posted January 27, 2003 Report Posted January 27, 2003 Making me wear a dress...gee whiz! *laughs* Good stuff Canid! !
Canid Posted January 28, 2003 Author Report Posted January 28, 2003 Yeah.... sorry about the dress Gwaihir. :S I'm afraid I'm always mixing up your gender and didn't realize in that case 'till I had finished writing it. Peredhil: One of my goals in writing this actually was that assuming they were told what the characters looked like (ie, Canid and Prospero are wolves, Wyvern's a wyvern, Waterlily is a man eating plant, etc) someone entirely new to the pen would still be able to follow the story, even if a lot of the character-specific humour was lost to them. I'd been wanting to write a script for a while now... *Canid looks at the fuzzies hoarding geld.* I thought all the Penners got a free first viewing.... how much did you pay them?
Kasmandre Posted January 28, 2003 Report Posted January 28, 2003 Very nice. An entertaining and uplifting piece for the holiday season.
The Portrait of Zool Posted January 29, 2003 Report Posted January 29, 2003 That was excellent!! Now THAT's what the Pen is all about! Fun to do, fun to read - I'll bet you learned a thing or two in the process, as well. So, in fact, did I. I never realized how difficult I made it for others that want me in there adventures, just getting me around. I'll have to do something about that. I LOVE seeing my name in print, too! Seriously, thanks for including me in your great adventure! BRAVO!! BRAVO!!
Quincunx Posted January 29, 2003 Report Posted January 29, 2003 of course, it won't make any sense to people who don't know our personae, but it reads so well, it's a small point. Note to the non-Pen-people: I was _in_ the bally thing and it still didn't make any sense!
Wyvern Posted February 9, 2003 Report Posted February 9, 2003 Corny theme music plays in the background as several camera men move around a large comfortable-looking room in which two easy chairs and a large television have been situated amongst other things. A kindling fireplace crackles delightfully underneath a large flashy banner that reads: "Wyvern & Clueless... Your One-Stop Film Review Spot! ™" After the cameras have centered around this banner for a good 3 minutes and the corny theme music has subsided, the focus is turned to the two easy chairs, which are now occupied by Wyvern and Inspector I. M. Clueless respectively. The two characters grin towards the camera as Wyvern takes out a Pepsi logo and makes sure that the "Calvin Klein" brand name on his cloths is clearly present. The overgrown lizard then speaks up: "Hi, I'm Wyvern!" "... and I'm Ebert... errrr... I mean Clueless, I think." chips in I. M. Clueless somewhat hesitantly. Wyvern gazes at Clueless blankly for a moment, and then the two speak up in unison: "And we're Wyvern & Clueless... Your One-Stop Film Review Spot!" The words "One-Stop Film Review Spot" are echoed in the background of the room through the uses of cheap special effects. Wyvern then clears his throat and continues speaking: "If you tuned in with us last week, you might recall our review of 'Gyrfalcon: the Movie', which I gave a respectable thumbs up to while Clueless gave a thumbs down. This week, we review the hottest film on the market... yes, it's the review you've all been waiting for! Join Clueless and myself as we give our opinions of that wiggly-influenced, full-hearted, Christmas-spirited, box office sell out: "A Wiggly Christmas!" Clueless nods to this, and then mutters: "Horrible movie. Very few redeeming moments... one thumb down." Wyvern raises a brow to this statement, and then replies: "Really?! I actually greatly enjoyed the film and found it an excellent movie all around... it gets a thumbs up from me! What didn't you like about it...?" Clueless considers this question for a moment, then exclaims: "Well... to start with, the plot was WAY too far-fetched... I mean, who's ever heard of extraterrestrial cattle getting beamed down to earth and wreaking havoc on the grounds of the Pen?!" There is a long moment of silence in which a camera man is heard coughing in the background, then Wyvern sighs and responds: "Ummmm... I think you may have a different movie in mind, Clueless. "A Wiggly Christmas" is largely centered around the escape of breeded wiggly cabbages during the Pen's festive season, the mystery that evolves while trying to find them, and the drama that comes about as they do so." Clueless considers this, then responds: "Oh... I see. Well, anyway, that wasn't my only complaint about the film. Some of the characters in it were just so unrealistic... particularly this one character who's name I forget... It was Charley, I think... Anyway, I wasn't buying into his character for a minute. I mean, this guy kept mistaking people for people that they weren't and continuously arrested the wrong characters. Honestly, who would be idiotic enough to do that?!" A camera man passes by and Clueless suddenly jumps out of his chair, immediatly handcuffing the bewildered man and exclaiming: "AhHA! Wyvern, I've finally caught you!" "W-w-what are you talking about?" stammers the camera man "I was just..." "I'll have none of your excuses!" cries Clueless zealously, walking off of the set and dragging the camera man along with him. "You can explain it to me at headquarters, you dastardly lizard!" Wyvern watches this commotion from his seat and sighs, shaking his head and deciding to conclude the show himself... Brushing back the scales on his head and turning to the camera, the lizard once again speaks up and says: "Now that Clueless has gone, nothing prevents me from recommending this film whole-heartedly... I give it a big thumbs up! An excellent script, a plot accompanied by unexpected twists and turns which will keep you on the edge of your seat, and drama that'll bring tears to your eyes. Plus, as another bonus, you get some pure eye-candy, as can be seen in the following scenes of the film..." With that, Wyvern takes out a remote controle and turns to the large television set, playing several small segments of the film: Segment #1: We see Minta Rose streaking through the crowds in her underclothes. MINTA: Come back here you mangy, flea bitten pervert!!! Segment #2: Canid empties the Christmas sack she had brought under the Christmas tree and makes her way over to a table where Gyrfalcon is enwrapping Gwaihir (who is in her underclothes) in an evening robe, and Wyvern is seated, eyes fastened on the presents beneath the tree. Segment #3: Cheyenne gets up and opens the door, stepping in. She takes off the still dripping coat and dumps it against the opposite wall, then goes up to Wyvern’s cell and clings to the bars. CHEYENNE: Oh Wyvern… are they treating you ill? The television is then turned off and the cameras turn back to Wyvern, who takes off the drool-drenched AoA smock he had put on for this viewing session and declares: "So... as you can see, in addition to a great story-line and some superb dialogue, we get some pure eye-candy as well! Definitely worth every copper of the 2 geld it costs for a ticket... Be sure to see it today!!!" Having said this, Wyvern enthusiastically winks and gives a thumbs up sign to the cameras as the corny theme music begins to play again and the credits begin to roll... As the cameras pan out from the set, an audience of several hundred wiggly cabbages can be seen behind the backdrop...
The Portrait of Zool Posted February 10, 2003 Report Posted February 10, 2003 LOL! Two thumbs up on the review of the movie as well...
Cheyenne Posted May 6, 2003 Report Posted May 6, 2003 OH! I love this! Wish I had been here when it was first written. LOL! This is great!
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