Vlad Posted January 25, 2003 Report Posted January 25, 2003 A creak, A squeak, A yell, A bell, I am alone, In this desolate land, Not even a stone, To stretch out a hand, No noise is for me, My own little sounds, I yearn to be free, From these monster hounds, Haunt my dreams, When fear awakes, No one is there it seems, Create my own earthquakes, Leaving prints of feet, I am lost like a child, In the moonlit street, No sense can go wild, Quite in the same way as I, I am trapped here, why? Savior cometh, I see a bird beak, But it dissapears, leaving a creak.
Rune Posted January 27, 2003 Report Posted January 27, 2003 Good poem. There are a few parts that stand out that maybe could be changed to improve the flow of the poem a bit better (in my opinion). You might just want to rearrange some of the lines to fix the problem if it is possible without messing up the meaning. I recommend reading it outloud to yourself, its usually an easy way to spot the parts where it doesnt quite flow correctly. Also if your comfortable doing so, give the poem to a family member or a friend and ask them to read it aloud. You can tell where they struggle in certain spots and what appears to flow naturally to them. Since most of your readers will probably read it as they do, you can correct things you hear.
Degenero Angelus Posted January 27, 2003 Report Posted January 27, 2003 Sound effects! One of my favorite things in poems (and, oddly enough, something I've never been able to do properly). It really gives off an auro of desolation, though the beginning and ending don't really meld with the middle. It almost seems like it was three seperate thoughts forced into one.
Vlad Posted January 27, 2003 Author Report Posted January 27, 2003 I tried to meld seperate feeling but I didn't get the transitions right. I'll keep it in mind in my next works...
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