Kendricke Posted January 24, 2003 Report Posted January 24, 2003 (edited) Doors open, darkness consumes. I close my eyes for the briefest of moments (I'm almost there). Hands on me, searching idly. Smoke, smoldering, smelling of old. Tribal undulations fill the concrete floor beneath me (I can feel it). Another doorway, another hand. This one uncaring and just wants my proof. I take a step, and the world falls out. I'm hit by a wall of sensation! I feel the heartbeat of the room, like some ancient mythic beast. All week I've stalked it to this lair, and now it's time to feed. Rumbling, stumbling, almost fumbling, there's movement everywhere! Move it, groove it, cannot lose it. Look at them stare - LOOK AT THEM STARE! I pick a spot and close my eyes, my feet are hypnotized. No longer who I was, my mind expands a dozen sizes. I'm in control. I grab my floor. I'll show them what to see. I am the one. I know it now. Perfection is acheived. They back up fast. They give me room. They know that it is me. The hunter's here - that's what they know - and now it's time to feed. I am the sound. I am the floor. I am the gasping heat. I am the move. I am the air. I am the breaking beat. Feel me now, rushing hard. I am now complete. The hunter's here. His kill is swift, and now it's time to feed. Other hunters come to join. The battle is begun. Striking feints, and counter thrusts. We fight till we are one. Tribal rythms shape our law. The ground shakes beneath our feet. We are the pack. Our hunt is here, and now it's time to feed. Edited January 24, 2003 by Kendricke
Peredhil Posted January 24, 2003 Report Posted January 24, 2003 Wow! I like this, driving rhythmn and alliteration used really well! You don't post at the Pen often, but when you do, it's always quality stuff! -Peredhil
Gwaihir Posted January 24, 2003 Report Posted January 24, 2003 I like! A mixture between a dance and a hunt. An energetic, lively, almost dangerous dance...wild. A strong awareness of oneself as a hunter, teamwork, awareness of one's fellows, others watching you, see you do your thing as a hunter as well as a dancer. Lovely poem, stay a while! *offers Kendricke some of her popcorn*
Kendricke Posted January 24, 2003 Author Report Posted January 24, 2003 (edited) Thank you. I keep telling myself to contribute more here. I guess I'll have to be more dilligent. By the way, this was written in 10 minutes and is far from what I would consider "finished". I feel as if my writing is a bit rusty at the moment, so I'm wondering what could be done to polish it up. It's always nice to hear positive feedback, but I'm not going to grow as a writer (or a person for that matter) unless I hear some honest constructive criticism as well. Edited January 24, 2003 by Kendricke
Peredhil Posted January 24, 2003 Report Posted January 24, 2003 Laughs delightedly Sorry, I just offer the emotional side of the house. "I liked it or I didn't" kind of comments. The serious writers who can give feedback, (Cyril, Justin, Yui, Zool, Xradion, or Wyvern spring to mind,) usually aren't on until the afternoon or evening if at all. Looks around People? A cry for constructive criticism!
Rune Posted January 24, 2003 Report Posted January 24, 2003 Its really great. I cant think of anything to point out that I would change or even improve upon..granted I am not a poet so I do not delve into structure, mainly just overall impression. The opening contrasts to the rest of the poem which is refreshing..and the action in the poem is intensified by the short and quick sentances at certain parts which is a really effective technique. The subject is also unique which is a nice change as well. Think it's one of the best ones I've read so far, You should post more. Tis good stuff.
Yui-chan Posted January 24, 2003 Report Posted January 24, 2003 (edited) Lord Kendricke, I certainly agree with Rune and Peredhil that this is a wonderful work. I'm always more attracted to poetry with solid rhyme and meter, but there's also an aspect of animal-sensation rather than deliberation that nicely complements the style you've chosen. As far as criticism goes, I had to search down to a level I don't normally comment on to find some things to mention to you. I appreciate the challenge, milord. What follows are most certainly what I would call 'nitpicks', and I think overall you've got here a most effective and enjoyable piece. Here is what I might change, were I revising it: 1) In the second stanza, using the phrase 'groove it' jars me a bit. I think it's because of the 'trendiness' of the expression; it strikes me as an anachronism would, out of place with the very time-place independent language of the rest of the work. (See? Absolute nitpicking. ) 2) Again in the second stanza - "I pick a spot and close my eyes, my feet are hypnotized. No longer who I was, my mind expands a dozen sizes." You've got such lovely and unmolested meter and rhyme until that last line of the stanza. I would slip the words around a bit in the revision to smooth over the inconsistancy there. 3) In the fourth stanza - "I am the sound. I am the floor. I am the gasping heat. I am the move. I am the air. I am the breaking beat." While I appreciate the fact that you were trying to stay consistent, again, to form, the sentence "I am the move." doesn't sit well with me, simply because of the strange noun-usage of 'move'. It hits me strongly enough that, even though the form and rhyme are flawless, I feel like there's an awkward hesitation around it that disrupts the flow of the words. Were it mine, I'd probably substitute something like 'dance' into the sentence to smooth that over. Whew. See how hard I had to search to find anything to comment on? It's a great poem, Milord Kendricke, and I hope that my comments will be helpful to you. Yours, ~Yui Edited January 24, 2003 by Yui-chan
Cyril Darkcloud Posted January 24, 2003 Report Posted January 24, 2003 *LOL* Not sure how well the mantle of "serious writer" fits me, but thanks for the compliment of including my name in such fine comapny, Peredhil Kendricke, You show a very strong command, in places, of rhythm and language and have the makings of a fine poem here. It does, however, read [at least to me] like a very promising but also very unfinished piece of work. That you produced this in so short a time as 10 minutes is a testament to real talent. Half the battle in a good piece of writing is getting the content securely onto the page -- you've done that and done it well. The other half of the battle, and sometimes the longer and more frustrating part is taking a hard look at the content with an eye to improving it. Good criticism, like good writing also takes time - time to appreciate a piece of writing, time to form one's thoughts about it and time to put those thoughts into writing. I'll try and take some time in the next few days to put some thoughts on this piece together and post them in the Critics' Corner. Promise me this, however: That whether or not you ultimately take any suggestions that I or another reader might give you, you will revisit this piece of writing. A start this good is worth more than 10 minutes of your time, however inspired those 10 minutes may have been. Give it an hour or two at some point and see what happens. I for one would be very interested in seeing what you can do with it.
Kendricke Posted January 24, 2003 Author Report Posted January 24, 2003 I might have to "research" this a bit more this weekend.
Gwaihir Posted January 25, 2003 Report Posted January 25, 2003 I reread this looking for criticsms, and the first thing I noticed is that it kind of reminds me of a song by the temptations, but I doubt that's at all related so anyhow. On a whole poem level I slightly miss the connection between fighting and dancing. It makes me think of EQ, , but otherwise... I mean your description of what I interpret as the dance is very much a scene of working together. They're all watching you, not trying to fight you, and then slowly this other metaphor, the metaphor of a pack and a hunt comes in and supercedes it. I'm not really criticizing this whole idea, in fact it's one of my favorite things about the poem, but maybe if you strengthened the connection somehow to explain what about one metaphor reminds you of another?
Falcon2001 Posted January 26, 2003 Report Posted January 26, 2003 Great poem, but I'm horrible at criticism...I just thought it was really cool.
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