lordsmeagol Posted January 23, 2003 Report Posted January 23, 2003 The alley smelled moldy, like so many mongrel animals that scamper away in the heavy dew ridden streets of a large decaying city. Shoes splashing in puddles that filled the holes in the pavement, a rippling of grayed poxed water, showing that this place was losing the constant battle with time. A man walked to the door in the back of the alley; it began to rain as if on cue, a last desperate, futile attempt to wash sin from the city. He looked up. Water hit his face filling the many crevices in his weather-beaten skin that showed age. The sole source of visibility, an overhanging street lamp, exuded more of a glow then illumination. Showing an old rotted wood sign that hung from discolored clay bricks on a crumbling mooring as if to fall when a strong breeze topples it at any moment. The sign looked burnt; paint had mostly fallen off, only a few captions were visible, nothing that could be formed into anything coherent. Moving his attention to the door with new, fresh paint, and steel knob, standing out like a skyscraper in Egypt. With a gloved hand reaching up grasping the doorknob turning and pulling in a slow methodical motion. A dull metallic click “locked”. Stepping back, in a well practice motion, looking around and producing from his coat a bar, thin tipped with a long shaft. Metallic grinding as it slipped between frame and door. Weight shifting as he leans into the bar, a slight grunt escaping his lips. Brick quickly crumbled and frame gave way; the door flew open one hundred-eighty degrees of arc slamming into the opposing wall. Thunder, echoing through the alley out to a deaf city.
Degenero Angelus Posted January 23, 2003 Report Posted January 23, 2003 Both versions are really good. I kinda liked the original better, but that's probably because it seemed more poetic... and I'm a poet. I like the wording better on the new one, but that's to be expected from an older person. I always hate the way my old stuff looks. Good stuff.
reverie Posted January 23, 2003 Report Posted January 23, 2003 ditto... nice variat though... try expanding it further into a story... rev...
Peredhil Posted January 23, 2003 Report Posted January 23, 2003 This is like a zipped file - each line shows a full picture and story to me. It does feel like an intro instead of complete. Distracted as I am, I had to read it a few times just because of formatting - maybe break up the paragraph a little? Really good stuff. -P
Rune Posted January 23, 2003 Report Posted January 23, 2003 OOo I love writing where the imagery is so intense you sort of lose focus of anything but the scenary. When compared to the original, I think I like this version better. This one appears more mature, more detailed, more dark.. It does feel a bit like an opening to a story and it would be neat to see it expanded as mentioned. Any plans for that in the future? or working on any current projects now?
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