Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Posted January 15, 2003 Cyril Darkcloud Honored Guest Posts: 22 (12/17/02 10:51:14 am) Reply RE: A Brave Man -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gwaihir1, While I enjoyed this piece of writing, a bit of reflection upon that enjoyment reveals that it is rooted more in certain personal resonances with the subject matter of the work than in the work itself. You have chosen a rich subject to work with and offer some strong and evocative insights. However, the piece as it stands now reads more like a promising draft than a finished piece of poetry. There is a conversational tone about it that, while not a problem in itself, could use a bit of tightening up by choosing stronger words and by simply using fewer words. As it stands now I find an almost ‘off the top of my head’ feel about the piece that works against the reflectiveness that gives rise to such insight. There is a good flow to the ideas in the piece and the contrasting images of a life generously flowing out with that of a fire which consumes itself is well-conceived. These strengths of the piece could be sharpened by some more careful crafting in the choice of words. Just a suggestion: Now that the ideas have been expressed, have you tried restating them in fewer, and more direct words? Please note, however, that I think you have the makings of a very fine bit of writing on your hands and I’d be very interested in seeing you develop it.
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 reverie Page Posts: 297 (12/19/02 9:35:55 am) Reply Re: RE: A Brave Man -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- will have to thank cyril... for bring this poem to my attention... It's great gwai... Like cyril, I intially had some of the same reservations on with some of the word choices and tone. However after reading it again and again, I disagree with cyril; I like the conversational tone. Sounds like the poem was written for one person in particlar as kinda of a thankyou or understanding sythpathy type thing. The poem is HONEST and straight forward...and prolly speaks in the same voice that you'd talk to this person in. So is tone is appropreately personal. Sure, you can use it as a building block, and create more drafts and variations on it. But if you do so, always save this orignal, cause the worst thing you could do would be to edit it into the ground and lose sight of it's honest simplicity... as it stands now, the only revision, it prolly needs is a few cases of use of tense.... but all rules are off in free verse, so it's up to you... revery the dreamlost "..." the dream continues... Edited by: reverie at: 12/19/02 9:40:06 am
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 gwaihir1 Elder of Lists and Poetry Posts: 337 (12/19/02 10:49:30 am) Reply Re: RE: A Brave Man -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you both!! It's really awesome to get commetns that include criticisms and thought! I'll think about these responses.
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