Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Posted January 15, 2003 Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 679 (12/12/02 11:13:15 pm) Reply Assembly Room - Newborns of the Night -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Icarus (to use a shortened form of your name) Hmm... your short story is interesting, but very disjointed. It reminds me almost of a summery of a much longer piece- as it is, I think it's okay, but could handle a lot of improvement. Some issues: You switch from 'you' to 'me' quite a bit. Who are these 'Forgotten'? What are the portals? What is the timeframe- is it futuristic, modern, or from a previous era? Finally, the ending doesn't work for me, for some reason. Heh, to balance the negatives: I like your use of imagary, and I can feel the outlines of the plot you weave with so few words. It's a very interesting piece- it just needs more development.
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 SoaringIcarus Initiate Posts: 76 (12/13/02 11:51:56 am) Reply Re: Assembly Room - Newborns of the Night -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks, I can see what you're getting at. It's a very incoherant piece, if I do say so myself. I suppose a weakness I have as a writer is knowing when it is tasteful to leave things unknown, and when it's downright thoughtless. One thing, however, that was intentional was the switching between 'you' to 'me'. I havn't read back over the piece yet, and I'm sure I dealt with that matter rather clumsily, but it is something I meant to do. I don't like the ending either. Perhaps this would all work better if it were the beginning to a larger work. I'm hurting to become better at writing short stories, much less long stories. Thanks for the input, it is greatly appreciated. -Icarus P.S. Does this smily face remind anyone of some character out of Chrono Trigger? In the carnival by Leene's Bell? Just a thought.
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 680 (12/13/02 1:13:12 pm) Reply Re: Assembly Room - Newborns of the Night -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chrono, whenever he laughs.
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