Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Posted January 15, 2003 Kasmandre Weenie Awardee Posts: 24 (11/24/02 3:21:59 pm) Reply WW/Editing Emergency! Please Read! (College Essay)/SoaringIc -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Since you didn't mention what the topic of the Essay is supposed to be, I'm going to assume that it's something along the lines of "Why do you want to be a music major?" If this is way off, tell me, this is just the impression I got from your essay. Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Why do you want to be a musician? Why don’t you go into Math or some other more stable career?” The simple answer to this question is: I love performing music more than anything else. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good start, but you need to make sure the reader knows who's asking you the question (unless that's the question the essay's supposed to be answering, in which case the reader would know). I'd suggest putting something along the lines of "People often ask me..." or "My teachers and parents always ask me..." If you really want the paper to begin with the quote, you could change the third sentence to something like: "And I answer the people who ask me this in the simplest way possible:..." Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- However to ‘love’ something has grown to be a rather tired phrase, frequently meaning ‘I excel at (said interest) with ease’ or ‘I am better than most of my peers at (said interest)’. Neither of these connotations came to mind when I first realized that I loved performing music more than anything else. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You might want to alter this so the reader understands that you mean that the "I excel..." and "I am better..." are what other people mean by loving an interest. Also you used basically the same phrase twice in the same paragraph: "I love performing music more than anything else." You want to vary your phraseology so it doesn't sound repetitious and bore the reader. Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Upon entering High School, I had long term goals of playing on Varsity sports teams, becoming an aerospace engineer, and absolutely no awareness of the existence of the youth orchestras in which I would eventually participate. I owned a plastic clarinet, and probably would have guessed Rossini to be a type of pasta rather than the name of an operatic composer. However, I had played the clarinet for four years at that point, and studied privately for one year. I very much enjoyed playing in band and the personal gratification of practicing a piece and hearing the polished results of a successful performance. Yet my experience thus far was too limited for me to realize the exhilaration of performing at a top-notch level. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You might want to begin this paragraph with something like: "Four years ago, I never would have considered taking a music major." This will offer a smoother segway between the two paragraphs. Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day in the middle of a clarinet lesson, my teacher praised me for a well performed etude to which I immaturely remarked “Yeah, and I only really practiced it last night!” He responded patiently “Just imagine how good it could’ve been if you had practiced it every day since I assigned it to you.” This had never occurred to me before. Curious about this suggestion, I took his advice the following week, with much success. Thenceforth I made it a personal goal of mine each week to impress my private teacher who ‘raised the bar’ of what performance would impress him. The fulfillment gained from putting my best efforts into perfecting a musical passage was the foundation of my love of musical performance. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good, you might want to break the first sentence up into two, but other than that, I can see no problems. I think everyone's said something like that ("Yeah, and I didn't even study!") at some point, and I think it was cool of your teacher to call you out on it. Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- By the completion of my sophomore year I was increasingly comfortable with frequent competitions and honor bands, but it was in my junior that I became certain that I could only be truly happy pursuing music. It occurred to me one night, in the midst of playing Beethoven’s Symphony No. 3 “Eroica” that there was absolutely nothing else that I would rather be doing than performing that symphony. Of all the things I could possibly have imagined, nothing compared to the exhilaration of contributing to the beautiful music we produced. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You might want to expand this paragraph a little (I don't know about your word limit, though, so if this'll send it over, don't), because it's really the point of the essay. Right here is where you say why you want to pursue music; make sure the reader remembers it. Just as a small change, you might consider changing "but it was in my junior year that..." to "but it wasn't until my junior year that..." it just seems to progress a little better to me. Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Musical performance is something that has offered me inexhaustible joy and unequalled opportunities for self-refinement, expression, and discipline. In addition, it has been a personal outlet, and an inspiration for other areas of personal and formal study, particularly literature and history. Music has become my highest priority and more profound to me than anything I have ever known. I choose to pursue music meaningfully because I cannot imagine a subject from which I could learn more, and receive more pleasure. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nice ending, you make sure the reader gets the point. You might want to simplify the last sentence a little (lose the "meaningfully", drop the "learn more" part). It'll help the meaning to stay with the reader longer. And from the beginning of the essay, I take it that you want the reader to know that you want to pursue music because you love it, because nothing gives you the rush that it does. The learning thing is great, but in the last sentence you want to focus on what you brought up in the first paragraph. I hope this helps. I know what a pain college essays can be (had to do a couple last year). I received some good advice on it that you might want to consider as you rewrite it: the people who read these essays read dozens a day, and many of them sound the same. You want to set yours apart somehow, make it memorable. I think your third paragraph helps with this, your retort is not something most would admit in an essay. As for any of my suggestions, take them if you want, but don't compramise your own personal style. You want the essay to sound like you, not like the people who read it over. Decide on the changes yourself, based on what you think. -------------- Kasmandre1.1 All the old bugs have been fixed We swear!! Ok, there is this one where he explodes when placed beside women with large leather shields. But what're the odds of that?
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Kasmandre Weenie Awardee Posts: 30 (11/26/02 6:50:28 pm) Reply Re: WW/Editing Emergency! Please Read! (College Essay)/Soari -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wow! You're paper reads a whole lot better. I especially like the description you added to the second to last paragraph, your english teacher's input, I'm guessing. It really helps the reader see why you want to pursue music. It almost makes me want to pursue music! The only criticism I can come up with is to break up the second sentence of the second paragraph: "I was more focused on ...in the State-wide Science Fair. I had ... in which I would eventually participate." Like that. To me, it sounds like it reads better, but I think it's just a matter of taste. Read both and see which appeals to you. Other than that, excellent! -------------- Kasmandre1.1 All the old bugs have been fixed We swear!! Ok, there is this one where he explodes when placed beside women with large leather shields. But what're the odds of that?
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Vlad the Imploder Initiate Posts: 78 (12/12/02 7:09:48 pm) Reply Re: WW/Editing Emergency! Please Read! (College Essay)/Soari -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry for not responding the first time, but this essay is very good. I wish I could write like that. It reads smoothly, and has excellent transitions. Well done Ic. ===Vlad the rage-aholic=== I can't live without rage-ahol! "Me is smart. Dur." -Stick
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