Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Posted January 15, 2003 Nyyark Quill Bearer Posts: 277 (11/20/02 8:17:25 am) Reply WW/Natural Efficiency/Soaring Icarus -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Very interesting! This piece defiantly causes me to have to search its words for their meaning. Although I cannot say what the subject of the piece is, I believe I detect much irony. I find this to be either a part, or an unstructured poem. As a part, this seems like it would best be used to give insight into a way of thinking. The reasoning that it would have to be a part is that there isn't any action taking place outside the descriptive bubble. Perhaps it is setting? This could however be an unstructured poem. In which case I would suggest a change in title. I find the title of the poem to be very important to the meaning, especially when the subject is unclear, as in Natural Efficiency. Even just calling the poem what you are describing could be effective. If, however, your purpose is to convey the emotions without the setting being clear, you might want to keep your current title. I would then suggest structuring your poem. Because your words seem to be chosen with care, you might just want to put in line breaks. Subtle use of line breaks can completely change the meaning of a piece, or strengthen it. Line breaks would also clearly identify this a poem, which would help communication with those who are context based. "They are not permitted the artful nature of three...” and "Their trunks are bolted to a conical stump...” have a repetition of "They". I find they to be a weak word for repetition first in general because its a pronoun, and secondly, more specifically to "Natural Efficiency" because it signifies "multiple" and not "two". Using a repetition of a word that means two in the place of "They" would lead the reader to find more importance in the fact that there are two. "Protruding", "imperfection", "cold", "deprived", "barren" wasteland", "bolted", "jagged", "crazed", "screwed", "clamps", "Metallic", are words that strongly set your tone. You did an excellent job with the tone and if you do make changes I would suggest trying to keep these words, or if you must replace them do it with an equally connoted word. All in all a very good start Icarus, keep up the good work.
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 gwaihir1 Elder of Lists and Poetry Posts: 323 (11/22/02 4:42:01 pm) Reply Re: WW/Natural Efficiency/Soaring Icarus -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't remember exactly what I said last time, because I had the lack of wit to email it, but I feel like this really improved. Now it is much more clear that we're discussing trees. I don't feel so much as if there's another hidden meaning that I'm missing. Nice description too. You've also brought out the hints that this is in the future, and that really helps. Tremendous last line. The only suggestion I can think of is that I'm not sure I like having people suddenly appear in the very end.
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