Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Posted January 15, 2003 Nyyark Page Posts: 266 (10/18/02 3:41:59 pm) Reply WW/Dark Rainy Night/Reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- peredhil31 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Neat sense of progression. Thank you! When I get time, I'll try to go back through and see if any feedback springs to mind. -P reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- okay thanx rev... Nyyark -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I really enjoyed the part in which your describing the prose being created. It has a really good rhythm. In your 3rd draft you used Lover's do sigh, and in your 4th you used Lovers do sign. Was this on purpose. I find sigh to give a warmer aspect to Lovers, where sign appears to take a more cynical outlook on love. Sigh conflicts however with the cold environment I felt. Darkness and cold seem sterile, where as sigh seems to contaminate that atmosphere. Sign on the other hand doesn't seem to conflict as much. Because the line ends with a retort back to the darkness, you could do something like build up against the atmosphere with a different word choice, and then bring it back sharply at the end. This would, to me, give the effect of a brisk chill breeze shattering a train of thought. I think that would also work well. I love this poem, I hope to see it at the Pen in some form. reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh! that 'sign' was typo... i'll fix it... thanx... i'll reply more in dept later tonight... i'm off to work... Thanx again for all your suggestions... I work on incorperating them in tonight... rev... reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hiya... okay, finally got a spare minute... Well the line in question should have read... "in darkness, lover's do sigh" but, i think i'll change it to: 'In darkness, lover's did sigh' to set it up better... I typed 'sign' by mistakein... But anyway i see what you mean with you suggestion... "sigh" i guess would seem to be in conflict with the rest of the phrase... However, that was kinda what i was going for... You see, the poem is based on an actual night last year, when walking around south korea, i got caught in a winter rain storm... Pieces of songs and other memories started floating in my head trying to form into something... so i just, kept walking briskly towards home where all of it started feeded on itself... 'fell' and 'oh tell me' orginally sprang from this night...(though i didn't write them down till weeks later) And after getting inside my room, i wrote the first draft of "dark rainly night" about the experience... Anyway... The contrast is there, because in the dark cold of that night... A few of the thoughts cycling in my head, where that of a past love... Both wonderful and bitter memories resurfaced one after another... Having partially numbed myself to them years ago... Remembering the pain and joy of her was both sweet and bitter sweet in a self destructive sort of way... It's hard to discribe... You sigh at the good memories... then cry when you remember what destroyed them... thanx for the well-thought out advice though... revery Edited by: reverie at: 6/7/02 5:09:46 pm peredhil31 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the paragraph beginning "anyway" in your reply above is very very good. It's worth developing in a number of ways. I think I'm not the only one that has echos of feelings when I read it. I think one problem is that the 'feeling' node of the brain is on one side, and the 'words' node of the brain is on the other. Poets, Writers, and most especially Musicians, in my opinion, take on the mission of expressing the inexpressable feelings we all have, of taking the emotions common to life and bringing them into words. In your paragraph, you expressed the complex ball of yarn that is a experience and memory, and began pointing out the individual threads, and did it well. You've done it symbolically in your poem, and explicitly with your text - and I've resonated to both. You have the sword of talent - keep sharpening your edges to cut to the heart of the experience and reveal their murky tangled truths to the light of day. Peredhil, the analogy guy reverie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh your too kind... Thanx... Not sure how to developed that paragraph though? I'll try sometime and see what happens... thanx again revery the dreamlost... (this is a move over of an old commentary)
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