Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Posted January 15, 2003 Nyyark Page Posts: 192 (7/14/02 9:25:36 pm) Reply Legend, by Lord Cullyn -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Neato! I like what I'm seeing. I think this contains all of the elements a first chapter should. It has brief introduction to the characters I assume the plot will follow, It has The foundations of the storyline, A bit of history, but not too much to bore the reader, and an introduction to two sinister problems with enough information to leave the reader puzzling over what their mysterious connection could be. Excellently done. You have a talent for writing battle that creates a vivid yet fast flow of action necessary to capture the movement. I really liked the point of better security in the city leading to bandits in the farmlands. I would have never thought of that, and might have to use it in one of my stories sometime. There are only two things I see as being problematic with your writing. When you use a reflexive pronoun make sure it is referring to the last noun you used. It is sometimes okay to break this with characters that have already been established as a specific gender when no other characters or things of that gender are around. It is best to play it safe however, and if you use another noun, it is best to refer to a character by name before using a reflexive. I saw problems with this in the Bandit scene and in the scene where the king died. Using he after Alexandra (I think) really lost me for a bit. The only other problem I see is almost non-existent. It was the re-usage of "he and his sister". For some reason that redundancy really stood out to me. I think this might be because you hadn't yet named his sister. Perhaps if you named her earlier on it would be better. All in all it was really good. Keep it up! =) -Nyyark Page of the Pen
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Lord Cullyn Initiate Posts: 9 (7/14/02 10:54:57 pm) Reply Re: Legend, by Lord Cullyn -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aye, I hadn't named her yet, and didn't know what to call her-- at that point, I only had mental images of the characters-- I had yet to assign names to them. Thank you for your feedback, and I've posted a continuance. I hope you enjoy; this could make for a very long tale . -Cullyn
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