Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Posted January 15, 2003 Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 18 (6/12/02 2:09:41 pm) Reply Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I posted Chapter 1 of my story for my application (woot, ten pages!) and I know for a fact that comments are slight in that room of the forum, so I was wondering if anyone could provide some feedback on the chapter, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! Chapter 1: dusk.bravepages.com/utopia.htm
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Nyyark Page Posts: 146 (6/12/02 4:22:37 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You wait two days, and I'll be out of school and into comments. =)
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 reverie Initiate Posts: 71 (6/12/02 6:09:44 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- well, i thought it was very well written. I like the how you smoothy switch from scene to scene back and forth... Real fluid ya know... revery the dreamlost
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 19 (6/12/02 6:15:45 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That was something that needed to be well done, since the two intertwining scenes are so contrast in their style and mood. I think it plays well on both "coolness" and "humor"
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 469 (6/12/02 8:34:50 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I liked it quite a bit, and their battle-armored friend is a hoot. *grins* My only comment is that some background on the characters, their motivations, maybe even the universe and the more common technology might be needed at some point. For example- what are fuel cells used in/for? (weapons technology, or just powering cars?)
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 20 (6/13/02 10:00:14 am) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Valid point, it will have to be explained who they are and all the "stuff" that is going on. I also thought to keep away from the death trap of "plot filler" and have the story naturally progress so the reader has the information without it being dumped at his/her feet. Chapter 2 is a little more expositional to make up for the first chapter.
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Yui Temae Huntress Posts: 246 (6/13/02 11:11:24 am) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've a couple of quick comments to make, having finally gotten the time together to read through this. 1) I certainly agree with Gyrfalcon that there's a lot yet to be explained. That's a perfectly valid, most often necessary, and oft-used literary technique. So long as you fill in the details a little later, I think you're fine. However. I think there are some things in the first chapter that can't wait. a) Undefined acronyms are quite painful to me. (e.g. LAW and HUD) The danger of using any acronym is that they are very, very jargon-like. Certain people would know that a HUD is a Head's-Up display, but others wouldn't. As an author, my personal philosophy is that you do a favor for your readers if you make sure to define every acronym the first time you use it. The concept of your Furr humanoids is not as standard as, say, that of an 'elf' or a 'dwarf'. I think you'd do well to describe a character in more detail so that the reader can get a better idea of what your bipedal fuzzies look like. (I assume they're bipedal.) I'd say that you really only need to do this for one character, since the other 'types' can be assumed to look similar. 2) Since it's my personal mission to always mention such things... I see a number of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors. If you want the details, I'll volunteer to play Editor. (It's always safe to volunteer, because no one ever cares enough to have me do it. ) 3) I like your plot, setting, characters, etc. Very good! You've grabbed the reader by leaving lots of details untold and presenting a couple of mysteries. You've got a good trio of characters with interesting and distinct personalities. You've got great flow, and a good level of detail with the mentioned exceptions. I think you've got a great start, here. Good job! I'm looking forward to chapter 2.
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 23 (6/13/02 11:18:55 am) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Right-o, I was afraid of that, I barely remember the exact meaning of LAW as it is. Thanks for that advice!
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 reverie Initiate Posts: 74 (6/13/02 2:11:10 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LAW: Light Antitank/Antiarmor Weapon... (From Law & Disorder : Rearming the 66Mm Light Anti-Tank Weapon by fred brown) Light Assault Weapon: (found www.acronymfinder.com) Laser Artillery Weapon (from gi joe) revery the dreamlost
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 29 (6/15/02 1:40:54 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yui, I apologize, I should have read your review in detail, I missed several details I was wondering how the furs would go over with people. The idea of describing once then assuming the rest are like the first, that's good, I'll expand Chels' description scene to fill in those details. Since Burhin has been working with me on this project since the start two years ago (He qualifies as co-writer) I've already got a wonderful editor. (He spent a good hour telling me what mistakes I could fix in that chapter, I fixed maybe 1/10th of them before publishing it here. Thanks for offering though, your critique will do just fine. Now I gotta get off my furry butt and write Chapter 2!
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Fire Walker Initiate Posts: 29 (6/20/02 8:43:29 am) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm afraid to comment because I haven't read it. I can't read long posts on the computer. My head starts to hurt. Sorry. I've read about half of it in small chunks, and I like it so far. -- Fire Walker -- One of the few... The proud... The pyromaniacs... "What luck for rulers that men do not think." ~Adolf Hitler
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 33 (6/20/02 1:25:42 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's alright. I'm not forcing you to read it. Might I suggest printing it out to help with the headache problem, Chapter 1 is relatively printer friendly.
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Fire Walker Initiate Posts: 32 (6/21/02 1:29:34 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok. I printed and read it. I'm going to comment by section. I consider a section ending with the ***** Good descriptions. Fascinating. Fun conversation. ***** Seemed a little god-modish. Overall good, not as good as first part. ***** Didn't really care for it. Seemed important to the story though. ***** Interesting. Best part so far. Good human interaction scenes. ***** Verm is a fox??? Nice twist! Juggernaut in the car dodging guns was cool. Doesn't tie up all of the loose ends. Write more!!!
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 35 (6/21/02 3:21:07 pm) Reply Re: Request for analysis -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm writing more, thanks for your input. Don't worry, Juggernaut (Roley) isn't invincible, just relatively immune to infantry sized weapons. Or should I say, very immune... Until Chapter 2.
Recommended Posts