Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Posted January 15, 2003 Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 486 (6/20/02 9:57:01 am) Reply I hesistated to ask... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://pub79.ezboard.com/fthemightypenfrm1...picID=125.topic Coming Home - A Story of Daryl Carnsilion given that its been eight days since I posted that, I was wondering: Has anyone read it? (answered- Canid's been reading a little of it, but she's the only one who has said anything to me of it) What do you think? What could be improved?
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Fire Walker Initiate Posts: 30 (6/20/02 1:03:34 pm) Reply Re: I hesistated to ask... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I can't read long postsor stories. The only reason I respond is because I felt guilty.
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 reverie Initiate Posts: 88 (6/20/02 2:00:05 pm) Reply Re: I hesistated to ask... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I liked it. You really got me engrosssed into the world of the foxkinners... I'd give you some more constructive cristism... but it was kinda of a while ago that i read it, and my memories kinda fuzzy... ...spoiler... alert! Hmm, oh yeah, i liked the intro about all the magical creatures disappearing n'stuff... It read like a published work to me... Hmm, what else, oh maybe a little more back ground on the demon lord guy that saved the day by being himself... It totally surprised me when he just stepped out of nowhere like that... but maybe that's what you were going for... okay that's all... gotta run... oh year... one more thing... hey firewalker... why don't you get a monitor shield... my works great for me... or you could do what someone else suggested and print them out... If you don't have printer... then copy and paste them... and email them somewhere that does... or if you really really are out of on a limb and are just dying to get a hold of them... you could email them to someone with a printer... then they could snail mail them to you... That's seem an awful lot of trouble to me, but hey you gotta do what you gotta do... Also consider getting you eye's checked, tested for dislexyia, eppalepsy, and always remember to blink... or try take some dramamine... okay really gotta run now... revery the dreamlost
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 peredhil31 An Ancient Polite Bard Posts: 1038 (6/20/02 4:01:56 pm) Reply ezSupporter never hesitate! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry, pressed for time of late. I DID read it and I liked the thematic content. I recall thinking it could be polished a bit in phrasing - do you ever read your works outloud before posting, to see how they feel as they come off the tongue? I can't think of an example off the top of my head, because it's been a week, sorry. I enjoyed Darryl's story and would like to read more! hug and run -P
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 487 (6/20/02 9:55:48 pm) Reply Re: never hesitate! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Firewalker- Tis alright, though you may want to look at what reverie suggests. reverie- Thank you for your reply. The beginning on the disappearence and what not of magical creatures was intentional- It was written for my myth final, and I doubt my Mythology teacher was all that deep into fantasy. Add on the fact that I'm using a non-standard universe (start with what little I know of World of Darkness, then start modifying to fit my tastes) This is actually meant to be part of a series of works, and I had the idea bouncing around my head of going back to Jeremy's trapped and tormented soul to get the parts I left hidden. As it was, I wanted to keep who was the true badguy hidden, and provide a long-standing badguy for the heroes and heroines (there will be more... mwahahahaha!) to face off against. Peredhil- thank you for your idea, and if/when (I'll try to make it when) I go back to revise it again, I'll try reading it aloud and seeing what might flow better. I do sometimes do that, but I was too pressed for time on this story to manage it before I printed it out. Thank you three for replying. *smiles*
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 646 (6/21/02 1:03:43 am) Reply "Coming Home" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gyr, Sorry that I hadn't noticed the story before... My guess is that when you posted it, a lot of other people must have been posting things in the Assembly Room and somehow I managed to overlook it. Anyway, I read through the whole thing in one go this evening and thoroughly enjoyed it. Wyvern borrows Reverie's handy "Spoiler Alert" sign for a moment as he continues. First of all, I found the setting very interesting... A modern day Terra with all it's magical elements rejuvinated. I love the story as it is, but one thing you might be able to do in future stories incorporating this setting is to meld more elements of a modern day setting with the magical duels. For example: imagine Jehane tossing around her spells to fight off demonic entities on a moving subway train! She would have to consider which spells to incorporate, as one too powerfull might derail the train or cause an important element of the vehicle to explode... The characterisation throughout the story was well done, particularly the growing bonds of friendship between Daryl and Jehane (many of my favorite parts of the story involved the developements between those two... I guess I'm just a fan of mushy stuff ;p) as well as the growing feelings of envy and hatred found within Jeremy. I also got a feel for the kind of character Daryl is, though in this case I think that Jehane and Jeremy may have actually been characterised a bit better. One thing that I'm curious about is the references to Daryl's past: both his being bit by a rampant werefox and his mentioning of the mysterious location "The Conclave". Perhaps in future works you can reveal more about Daryl's past before the birth of technology... it sounds very interesting. My personal favorite chapter of the story was Chapter 3, although Chapter 5 certainly caught me off guard and held my interest as well. The Jehane line "... I’ll rip your heart out. Oh, and don’t worry- while I have no interest in sleeping with that werefox, I’m sure that he’d be a much better lover then you." was awesome... I definatly got a kick out of it and thought Jeremy got the response he rightfully derserved. ;p The battles of Chapter 5 didn't really catch my attention at first (lengthy battles have never been my favorite thing to read) but the plot totally caught me off guard, which was great. You see, I thought that the high elf summoner was going to betray Jeremy, not a powerfull summoned demon lord! As for things to improve... I thought that the encounter with Miranda the vampiress in Chapter 1 seemed a bit random, although maybe she plays an important element in Daryl's past, as Gloria certainly must have. It would have been interesting to have Miranda resurface at some point in the story, perhaps as one of Daryl's contacts.... Also, while I think the epilogue ended the story decently, I also feel that it's missing something... perhaps Jehane's feelings after they go their seperate ways... Anyway, this is an all around excellent story, and I'd highly recommend other members to take the time to read through it.
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Jonathan Wolfe Initiate Posts: 34 (6/21/02 7:50:57 am) Reply Re: "Coming Home" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I saw it, I saw it. I'm reading it over the next few days, so far I'm really liking what I see. Werefoxes and Kitsune.. whee!
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