Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Posted January 15, 2003 Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 623 (6/3/02 12:18:50 am) Reply Katiya's Story (Yet to be Titled) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Katiya, I've read what you've wrote so far in your story in the Assembly Room, and am finding it interesting and entertaining. I liked how you started the story with the exchange of the box to the foreigner, it immediatly captured the reader's attention and gives the story a certain sense of mystery. Also, the description of the woman portrayed at the beginning (who's obviously Bryan's mother) gives us a good idea of the kind of parental guardian she is. With the greedy nature she bears, it's apparent from the beginning that the selling of the box is a mistake. Another thing I like so far in the story is the use of characterisation. Shortly after being introduced to Bryan and Kirk, we quickly get a feel for the kinds of students they are, their attitudes towards girls, etc. As the story progresses, I'm sure we'll learn more about them, particularly the main character Bryan. I'm eager to see the kind of relations he has with his mother (or if it isn't his mother, the woman who sold his box). Another thing I found interesting was the portrayal of the foreigner who has the box thus far. The image of his roaring off in a Black Jaguar and giving off the instinct impression that flames had shot out from it hints that he is somewhat evil in nature. Now, on the downside of things... Be carefull of repetitions. In the first paragraph, when describing the women that sold the box, the word "she" seems a bit overused. Also, while I find nothing wrong with it, be sure to use swearing sparingly. There's only one bad word, so it's not really a big deal, but just remember that we do have people of all ages reading. Once again, I like it so far and will be sure to keep up with it as you post more. I'm interested to see what it developes into.
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 reverie Initiate Posts: 56 (6/3/02 6:06:24 pm) Reply Re: Katiya's Story (Yet to be Titled) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I agree... I find it very interesting... It's sounds like the beginning of a good horror/modern day fantasy novel you got there... Actually it reminds of a book I read a few months back called 'Dominion' by Bentley Little... Half of it was a teen love story with all the usually angst that goes with it... the other half was a very, very, very sick and twisted yet intriguing plot to resurrect the God of Dionysus... Casting the sick and twisted disgusting stuff aside, I can see some similarities... revery the dreamlost
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Rahsash Geldich Page Posts: 104 (6/5/02 7:14:32 am) Reply Re: Katiya's Story (Yet to be Titled) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I too would like to add my praises! Excellent portrayal of interaction and actions, I particularly like the spot on the stairs. Kudos to you!
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Katiya Damodred Page Posts: 36 (6/7/02 4:19:34 pm) Reply Re: Katiya's Story (Yet to be Titled) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I appreciate the praise, all of you, thanks! I have noticed I'm repeating myself a lot, especially in the first part...I'll work on that. And as for the cussing, well...see, I wanted this story to give people insight into the real high school world, not the pretty, cleaned-up picture that readers are so often fed. That's how my friends talk, disgusting as it seems. But if you think its inappropriate, perhaps I will weed it out. Stay tuned for more. I'm glad you like it so far! Image by FlamingText.com
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 630 (6/9/02 12:02:23 am) Reply Re: Katiya's Story (Yet to be Titled) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Katiya, Some comments on the continuation: I'm still really liking it, and I think it's developing nicely. I particularly like the growing love interest between Bryan and Kat, which I think you've subtely hinted at very well with both the comb scene (that eye twinkle definatly wasn't curiousity) and the reaction to Bryan's missing mother. As any good writer should, you're getting us attached to the characters and making us cling to their every action. Keep it up... As for swearing... As I said, I personally find nothing wrong with it, but I do know that there are some Pen members that may find it offensive. I agree that that is how many high schoolers talk, so it certainly has it's place in the story... My recommendation would not be to completely remove it, but rather to use the magical mini-censure asterixs. For example: "F**kin'" instead of the full word. Those adult enough to use it will immediatly know what you mean. Anyway, great story so far. I look forward to the continuation.
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