Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Posted January 15, 2003 Okay, I'd REALLY like to know what you guys think...I'm not really happy with always writing in free-form, but I've produced a few good works. Here's my prognosis on my three new ones: Happy Birthday...for my greatest enemy: My obsession(Andrea)'s boyfriends birthday was thursday, so I was pretty depressed and I wrote that. Free-form, not my best...but good, nonetheless. Raging: Not a tribute to RagingGoat ( ), but instead a very out of character poem for me. NOT my best work. I was really ticked at Matt that day so I wrote that...better writing than acting out. Wait...then break: this pretty much describes a normal day for me. I wake up, go to school, stay blank and calm, then go home, and let it all break out with my guitar. I'd say it was a mediocre at best poem. Remember, post your opinion or I'll send the REPLY raven after you. For those of you who don't know, the REPLY raven is a bird specically trained to fly after people and scream REPLY at the top of it's aviary little lungs. *The REPLY Raven starts circling over Falcon's head, looking for a target* CiodenDarkeye Page of The Mighty Pen
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Wyvern00: I enjoyed all three poems. Although they are certainly depressing, your talent shines brightly through. Let's take them one at a time... "Raging" The first thing that came to my mind while reading this, interestingly enough, was your fondness for music. The verses of the poem could very well be sung to a musical background, I think (a sort of punk rock type song). The most striking thing about this poem, of course, is it's imagery. Excellent, although blatantly horrendous, depictions of physical violence. Probably written while you were one of those darker moods, yes? The writing quality is certainly there... A decent poem. "Happy Birthday... for my greatest enemy" My personal favorite of the three. This is, quite frankly, superb. It's obvious that a number of your real emotions went into it's creation, and that, I believe, is part of it's brilliance. It's a shame those feelings are so depressing... but they're there never the less. And with a great deal of strength at that. Everything about this poem had me captivated. From it's structure and use of contrasting images ("perfect"-"flawed", "crystal"-"darkness", happiness-sadness) to it's blatantly heart-wrenching ending. I applaud you. Not only for writing a poem of a quality that I could never reach, but also for being brave and translating your feelings to words on a page. I sincerely hope that you'll get over you're self-loathing and forgive yourself for past mistakes. Once again, bravo. "Wait... then break" Another very heart-felt poem which demonstrates your passion for music and the deep affect it's had on your life. I particularly liked your use of structure change in the last stanza. It certainly catches the readers attention. Several well-placed similies have been riddled throughout... whether it be the comparison of the classroom to a coffin or the flow of the guitar to a backrub. These emphasize your feelings very well. Another good poem. I enjoyed it, but was not quite as touched as I was by "Happy Birthday... for my greatest enemy". There you have it. In summary: keep up the good work. On a side-note, you should put 'Owner of the REPLY raven' somewhere in your sig...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Falcon2001: Thanks Wyv! You have the special privelage of not having the Reply Raven after you...right now it's hunting down the other members of the Pen, even as we speak... *Through the thick stone walls of the Critic's corner a muffled scream can be heard followed by swearing that sounded suspiciously like Zool being attacked by a bird* Some more thoughts. Raging - When I wrote this, I had been listening to Korn for well over two hours, so it came out sounding like, well... Korn. Or a bad version of Limp Bizkit...I tried to convey all the emotion into that so I wouldn't actually take a louisville slugger to his face...okay, back to the subject... Happy Birthday, etc - This one has been rated one of my best by a few people, including Andrea...this and Run. I specifically chose the crystal part so show how close I was to shattering on the thick floor of reality. Wait then break - I love music, what can I say. My entire day revolves around going home and playing guitar to unwind. And if I can't play guitar, I start blasting my stereo. We had an assembly today and Third From the Left played (Local HARD rock band), and I got Godsmack stuck in my head after that and couldn't shake it...then came home and started smashing out Rammstein and RATM on my guitar. Seriously, I can't think of a better way for me to unwind than coming home, cranking up the amp until the sound starts crackling and then hammer out anything that comes to mind...jumping around and yelling along to Korn helps too...but that's just me. Once again Wyvern, you truly are a saint...(if a boozing, womanizing, party-throwing one) WYVERN RULES! To everyone else: Please reply to these, or the reply raven might just decide to peck off something important. Cioden Darkeye Page of The Mighty Pem Owner of the Reply Raven - Enemy to all those who never post responses Ashaman - WoT - Blitz II Council - The Hunters - Blitz II Leisure Officer - SFV Ultima - Beta
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Gyrfalcon25: I replied over in the Conservatory, so don't sic the Raven on me. =)
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 peredhil31: I really have to leave this sort of Poetry to one of the others; I'm sorry, but I'm not impartial enough. I've had and have to many suicidal people in my life to stay emotionally distanced from your subject material to evaluated it as well as Wyvern just did. (Great job Wyvern!) I do recognize your brilliance - one reason I was so happy to vote for you to be a Page so quickly. I hope you can find healing and unedged humor. Peredhil hugs Falcon. Strangely enough, I'm originally from Idaho too... -Peredhil
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Ozymandias the Elder: "Raging" I liked this a lot. I'm always more impressed by poets who can convey anger by beat and word choice rather than relying only on cursing and graphic violence. The former can help the reader understand what you're saying better than the the latter *because* focusing more on rhyme scheme and proper wording leaves more room for interpretation than the latter, which can just get the reader lost in the pictures in the poet's head rather than coherent thoughts and feelings. But I was wondering- are you a songwriter? I also thought Raging flowed more like a song than a poem. Not that that's a bad thing. "Happy Birthday...for my greatest enemy" Graphic, but with a purpose. I like and respect the introspection it built up to. "Wait...then Break" (A quick note- I started this reply after I'd read "Happy Birthday" and "Raging", and THEN read "Wait") Again, you show yourself to be atypical of 'dark poets' who write out their rage, depression, sadness and seem to feel little else. This one really presented me with someone who was/is angry, sad, resentful, etc., but is looking for solutions and actually uses them. In short, it showcases strength in a very empathetic, visceral, and subtle way. Bravo. Edited by: Ozymandias the Elder at: 10/21/01 3:58:16 pm
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Falcon2001: Ozy, I actually am a songwriter. If you were reading the UBB a few months ago, I have a bunch of songs I wrote...if it's not freeform, I always think of a poem with a song playing through my head. Music is life, life is music. Thank you again Ozy, it means so much to me to be able to hear people appreciate anything I write. Cioden Darkeye Page of The Mighty Pem Owner of the Reply Raven - Enemy to all those who never post responses Ashaman - WoT - Blitz II Council - The Hunters - Blitz II Leisure Officer - SFV Ultima - Beta
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Jechum: Jechum floats in... How does one teach patience? Jechum floats out
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Posted January 15, 2003 Ozymandias the Elder: My pleasure, Sir.
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