Useless, but amusing. Volume one

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Lumpenproletariat

 

Title: "Attention Kendrickes!"

 

This was brought up in the General Assembly Banquet Hall, I figured I'd stick it here, some better work by Zool, Scintael and Orlan

 

Its 4am, you probably won't work out any further signifigance for me posting this. O_o

Edited by: lumpenproletariat at: 12/29/01 7:10:29 am

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Lord Janus

 

rumor has it that you want to kill this 'janus' on ager 1. feel free to kill that bastard. i am Lord Janus! i left more then a month ago, just post the Br and i will be laughing about this loser.

 

so got no guts to just face me yourself have to send you little B****** and bastards right!? you fuc...........

 

*bead hits lord janus over the head with the bible*

 

*lord janus grabs rydias carp and beats beads to hell and hands rydia back her carp*

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Orlan

 

Ugh, where to begin....

First off, that carp you've stolen from Rydia is the ever special "Anti-Spam" Carp. Smacking Bead with it is about the same as using guaze to stop a Semi that's charging for you. Quite ineffective.

 

Secondly, Ager 1 is "our" server so to speak, so frankly, at this point, we don't care what you think or do or say. I've met four year olds with more smarts in thier back pocket then you seem to show throught EVERY single one of your posts. Secondly, you're not "Lord" Janus on Ager. Lord is the title bestowed upon those who own land, you have no land in Ager, which means you're just Janus, however somone already has that name so in fact, you're not even alive. You're the figment of your imagination.

 

You see, the imagination is a funny thing somtimes. People use it, in games like this, to give thier Mage a certain attitude. For instance, Greased, a legendary Man, was tough, smart, sleek and sexy. That was who he was. SuperMummy, or the Great God and Pharoh Nanotoknonnen, was the God of everyone (still is actually). Let's see here who else. Well there's Tzimfemme and her personalities, it'd take too long to sort them out and explain them to anyone (moreover especially you) so we'll just leave that as it is. Well there's also Ozymadias who plays a drunk, good-fur nuttin, yet I know in real like, he's not good-fur nuttin, but I'm pretty sure he's constantly drunk. Let's see who else. Theres the Dr. Evils (I'm grouping you guys all together, it's just easier that way) who are quite amusing. OME is a trash-talking-don't-take-no-crap-offa-nobody kinda person. There's Iuz, well, he's just odd. Of course we can't forget _____. What would there eb without _____ I mean honestly, can you imagine a place without _____? I can't.

 

Hell even the Admins. There's Birdman, he has his necktie of doom. What could be more scary then that?

 

Yeah those last two paragraphs had no relevance but I was bored.

 

Then Thirdly, Bead has PLEANTY other things to hit you with rather then just a bible. What you might ask? Well, there's a sword, a bat, an axe, a mace, a crudgel, a halbred, a katana, a wakizasi, the blunt end of a gun, a table, a computer console, the extended version of War and Peace, an old shoe, a new shoe, the movie Wild Things, anything related to Monty Python, including but not limited to, Spam, cocanuts, the Holy Grail, pants, no pants, a black knight, weight ratios, repression, et al., the blunt end of a bazooka, a bazooka, a phone, an aircraft carrier, the entire planet of Jupiter, the moon Io, the assasination file of JFK, the Roswell crash, New Jersey, Britney Spears, KISS, Rurouni Kenshin (the TV series not the OVA's), the entire guild VSB, two jellyfish, the DNA of a platypus, the four horsemen of the Apoc.: Famine, Pestilence, War and Death, a large scythe, nunchaku, Oizuki, Shotuke, the lyrics to "Lovin' You", you know, "Loving you, is easy cause you're beautiful....doo du doo doo dooooooo", three tsp. of sugar, spice and everything nice, a chair, a nekkid cat, his Aunt Rose, Patrick Stewart, Ho Chi Min, the Canadian Rockies, the Url mountain range, Iuz, Arizona, Dijibouti, the French Legion, if there Germans have a Legion that'd work too, the entire Score of the H.M.S. Pinafor (sp?), Santa Claus, Julie Andrews, the entire Mari Inc. Building, a June Bug, Nebraska, Kazakstan, Prussia, the Third Impact, A disk, two turn tables and a microphone (that's where it's at), a can of Coke, a gram of coke, some crack, a bank, one of those Acme Safes, a scanner, a dagger, the Declaration of Independance, Cinco De Mayo, Versailles Day, the Hokey Pokey, and finally, a very very very large Large-Mouth Bass.

 

So in conclusion, it's BH not br

Edited by: lumpenproletariat at: 12/29/01 6:49:39 am

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

P51mus

 

P51mus reacts as if was hit by a small semi-truck upon hearing the mention of the evil that is Britney Spears

His friend Bob the Stone Golem, who is trained to bash anyone who dares to mention the evil that is pop music, stomps after Orlan

 

Orlan sees this huge stone golem running at him which happens to be significantly larger than him (About nine feet tall) and he instinctively tries to run away from Bob

 

Bob, however, being a special Stone Golem is able to outrun a cheetah and easily catches up to Orlan, bashing him several times until he thinks Orlan has learned not to say "Britney Spears"

 

Orlan now lays in a semi-conscious heap on the floor, wondering why a stone golem decided to beat him up

 

Bob turns to Orlan and manages to say the words "Britney Spears bad" before he walks over to P51mus

 

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Fenrir

 

...I can't believe I just spent two minutes of my life reading that.

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Scintael

 

Dude, you mispelled Djibouti...

And a couple dozen other things, including but not limited too:

 

Cudgel, Ho Chi Minh, Ural, Kazakistan

 

Anyway, that is a pretty cool list. You forgot to mention The Backstreet Boys and N'Sync though.

 

*Turns immediately to the pop-music-hating bob and swiftly casts paralyze. Seeing no effect, he casts Slow. Seeing still no effect, he casts Web of the Spider Woman and hurls a Spider's Web. Seeing the irritable golem tear through the webs like a hot knife through butter, he decides that archmage magic is just not sufficient to deal with the problem at hand and swiftly casts Otiluke's Resilient Sphere on the rampaging golem. He then casts his own personal True Dweomer: Scintael's Sphere of Uncertainty, and suddenly he is encased in a globe of vaguely swirling mists, rougly 12 feet in diameter. Since I doubt if anyone here has ever gamed with me, here is what my 10th level spell does: Anything attempting to cross the field beyond simple air will cause random outbursts of mystical energy, creating the most stupendously out of place kinks in the fabric of fate. Truly random effects are created, the least of which being huge shifts in nearby weather patterns, random portals sprouting from nowhere and leading to everywhere, spheres of annihilation deciding to munch on the local fauna, and very very upset major demons popping in from where they were quietly napping in the lower plains of hell. The only other effect of the shield is to keep harmful effects from striking the caster. Those around him, friend or foe are fair game, though, so beware.*

 

Oh, and if any DMs wish to use this spell, feel free. It's a level 10 abjuration spell, and can only be cast by level 20+ specialist abjurers, or perhaps by standard mages level 22+. The rules for level 10 magic can be found in the Spells and Magic book, though I alter them somewhat. Anyway, it's casting time is 1 turn, it's material components are: The heart of an air elemental slain in one on one battle by the caster, a freely-given object that has been polymorphed by a leprechaun, a shield worn by a legendary hero (fighter of no less than 12th level) into a heroic fray (outnumbered no less than 15 to 1) against some race of chaotic alignment, and a scroll of prismatic sphere and limited wish that has been bathed in the energies of a chaotic plane of existance (the deep ethereal, limbo, abyss) for no less than 100 years. Casting the spell ages the mage 1 year (human, do equivalent aging for elves) and all the material components are consumed during casting. Some minor things about the spell - nothing can get through without triggering a surge, although "more important" things will tend to cause larger surges. For instance, a boulder will do more than a pebble, and a fireball from a level 20 mage will cause a greater surge than both. The field cannot be moved, and it remains until the caster cancels it. To the caster, the barrier actually feels solid. He cannot go through it, nor can he cast things through it. He can survive inside so long as he has provisions.

 

And to think, all I was originally going to say was that Djibouti was mispelled...

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

(lumpens note: Look, the thread falls for a bit here, but these are relevant posts, so bear with me )

 

Jojo

 

uh.......ohh..........I did it again.

Now I'm really losing it. But I can't help it !! I just keep on reading. And I know it doesn't make any sence. Then why do I do it? Why don't I just stop or never even open this post. Am I addicted. Or just goin insane. Or are all of you guys reading this.

Then maybe it's normal if we all do it.

But then again maybe we are all crazy wich doesn't seem that strange if ya read this stuff soo far, cause I am weally doubting that I am insane and certainly the next time when I read this post again and see what stupid reply I send. Then I think I will voluntarely go the the nut house but in the nut house they all are like me soo then I think I am normal and wanna go out again cause I am insane and when I'm insane I shouldn't be with normal people. Certainly not locked up with them. Cause then I'd be bored and I start my computer again, go the the archmage forum, read this post and It all starts over again but then I weally dunt know what I am doin anymore........hmm.....now I say that......what am I doin here......how did I get here........or better yet how do I get out.........Am I gone type for the rest of my life or am I gone participate in society. Gues that last won't happen I am already playin archmage wich strains my real life soo much that no-one ever sees me leaving my compy, but that don't mind I like my compy....hmm......come to think of it I like my girl too and I gotta make arrangements for the wedding.......and she dunt like computers, wonder why ??.......maybe cause I play on them soo much......And I wonder why she's got her finger on that button..........No !!! Not that button !!!!!

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Brute

 

reply to Scintael: nice spell!! I like it very much. Please tell me that something with components as unigue as those described has only been cast once, perhaps twice...lol. hmmm..how bout thiss for an effect...every creature within say, 600 yards effected by shape change spell. keep in mind SC allows the recipient to change with a THOUGHT. this could prove amusing if it went of near a band of goblins, in a town, etc...oh, yeah...btw how long does the spell last?

 

Brute, Owner of the Decanter of Endless Booze

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Scintael

 

Jojo, you're scaring me even more than a mispelled Djibouti...

Brute, the spell can be cast as many times as you can find the components. Air Elementals don't have hearts, level 12+ warriors don't usually take anything but their favorite shields into heroic forays and usually aren't partial to giving their fav shields up, Leprechauns don't hang out very much with people, and humans don't live 100s of years, so yeah the material components do kinda limit the spell's usage. But hey, it makes the caster completely invulnerable to all agression save that of minor dieties and upward.

 

As for the shape change, that could very easily be one of the effects of something triggering a surge. Then again, it's just as likely that every woman within 3 miles hair turns into spaghetti. Needless to say, with such demanding components and such random effects, this spell is very rarely cast. Scintael himself, currently a level 23 Elven Abjurer has only cast it 3 times. The DM was really having fun each time.

 

As for it's duration, it lasts until it is either dispelled by a wish or other level 10 spell or the caster wishes it to cease. In the case of the wish, the wisher must be of a higher level than the caster of the uncertainty sphere. At any time the caster can simply will the spell to cease functioning, in which case the sphere instantly winks out of existance and everything is as it was. If the caster never cancels the spell, eventually he'll starve to death, since it allows nothing in. From the inside of the sphere, it's almost identical to Otiluke's Resilient Sphere. From the outside however, it's Scintael's Sphere of Uncertainty.

 

To get a measure of what kind of trouble you have to be in to cast this spell, probably the most interesting occurance where Scintael had to cast the spell was in his fight with Galaiihd Umbredge, a level 26 Necromancer. Galaiihd had called a Dread Knight into his service, and after it cruelly cut down one of Scint's adventuring parties, Scint decided that they were doomed unless something pretty spectacular happened. So he tosses his Ring of Wishes to a fellow adventurer, with detailed instructions to wish the entire adventuring party except for Scint to a nearby town. In the meantime, they were to attempt to hold of the necromancer and his band. They did so, and although several of them fell, they managed to give Scint enough cover to finish his spell. He cast it, they wishes out of there, and the Necromancer ordered his troops to attack Scintael. They all approached the figure, barely visible in a globe of swirling colorful mists, and when the moment the first skeleton attacked the room was filled with a blindingly bright light. When the necromancer was able to see again, he was treated to the sight that confounded all his senses. The DM was in a wierd mood, and made the first surge take a section of the necromancer's castle (the one he happened to be standing in) and make it trade places with a nearby section of coastline. The skeletons pounded a few more times, causing such things as freak tornadoes, multicolored llamas to fall from the skies, and finally, a group of spheres of annihilation to come along and eat the surviving half of the necromancer's castle. That was one of Scint's more ... interesting victories.

 

Oh and by the way, in case it hasn't been gathered yet, Scintael Al`Ventria is not only my archmage name, but the name of one of my favorite D&D characters.

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Orlan

 

Eh I can't spell anyway However since you were able to get the right spellings it means that you were able to get the jist of it That's all that matters

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Kendricke

 

Why is it that I keep getting topics named after me, on boards that I rarely post on by mages whose importance is questionable to any besides themselves?

If Janus doesn't exist in Ager, then why must he post on Ager's boards? Isn't that the very thing he was upset with Pat for in the first place?

 

I shoulda never turned him down for the prom.

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Jojo

 

Why is it that I actually posted in a topic named after Kendricke. And Why am I still reading this stuff......(nope I won't start again otherwise Scint will get wealllyy scared) but anyway.............dijbuty.......hmm......taht's not it dyibouttie.......djiabauty......dij......

=O)

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Scintael

 

Mongolia.

It's spelled Mongolia.

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Zool

 

From down the road a fast wagon pulled by two Warebears raises a plume of dust. It pulls up next to Scintael's Sphere of Uncertainty and a lad in jeans and chainmail jumps down with a bulky flat red package. He walks up to the sphere and knocks. A phantom door forms of swirling multicolored mist which then opens. The lad hands in a large flat box from the bulkier package, and then takes some money from a phantom hand. "Thanks!" he says, and gets back on his wagon, now a large sequined purse pulled by quintuplet dolphins, and rides dolphins first into the bulky red flat package in the change pocket next to him. The package then disapears into a spinning pinpoint. *Poof*

Inside the sphere the large flat box that says 'pizza' on it is handed to Scintael by swirling phantom hands. Bewildered, Scintael takes the box and opens it. A dozen trained Elephants bolt out. Scintael jumps to the floor, but as each Elephant comes out of the box it is absorbed into the wall of the sphere.

 

"I didn't expect that!" he says, and begins to wonder how under control the spell was.

 

Scintael hears a snicker coming from the sphere.

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Scintael

 

*Scintael ponders the significance of this turn of events*

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Zool

 

Zool walks up, examining the sphere with intense concentration. He approaches it slowly, until he is quite close. He does nothing that could be interpreted as hostile. He slowly raises a hand, and carefully taps the sphere with one finger.

It feels like spongey glass. Where his finger taps it, multihued ripples spread out and quickly fade. Unbeknownst to Zool, his touch initiates events at Wyvern's castle on B1, which took place some random time in the past.

 

After a moment Zool turned and walked away. "Doesn't seem to do much," he remarked. Behind him a protusion quietly formed out of the sphere which quickly took the shape of a thick plank.

 

*WHAP!!*

 

Zool sat, err, stood at a respectful distance after that.

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Scintael

 

*After sitting in the sphere for ... (glancing down seeing how long since I cast it) 6 days, Scintael decides that it is safe to come out and cancels his spell. He looks around and comes to the conclusion that most everyone has simply been ignoring him up to this point. Turning around, he spies a figure silhouetted(sp) against the setting sun. Thinking Bob the Golem has indeed waited for him, he quickly begins gesturing his arms and swiftly incants a Dig spell, digging a monsterous hole beneath the figure. Scintael runs up, and a quick shove later, the strangely unmetallic iron golem is in the hole. Scintael again begins to cast, and casts a Rock to Mud spell, miring the Golem chest deep in a mudbath. Casting again, Scintael incants a Mud to Rock spell, and suddenly, the golem is chest deep in solid rock, unable to harm Scintael. Smiling to himself, Scintael bends to examine the helpless golem, and is suprised to find that instead of capturing a rampaging golem, Scintael has managed to capture a relatively flustered and quite astonished Zool. Scintael slowly backs away, a quizzical look on his face. He speaks one word: "Damn..."*

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

P51mus

 

Unfortunately for Scintael, Bob the Stone Golem was indeed waiting for him. But Bob was smart enough to hide in a dark corner until Scintael canceled his spell.

Just as Scintael is backing away from the confused and now trapped Zool, Bob the Stone Golem picks up Scintael from behind.

Bob then casts Portal to Alternate Reality and tosses Scintael inside the portal.

Scintael then finds himself in a strange world populated by Dancing Hamsters, Evil Clowns, Big Stupid Purple Dinosaurs and just about every other miscellaneous creature to be imagined.

Just as soon as Scintael realizes his predicament the portal closes behind him....

 

 

 

 

<i></i>

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Ravashack

 

*Ravashack walks up to a magically glowing well. He casts something onto the well, then takes out a glowing fishing pole and line and starts to fish in the well. A moment later, the fishing rod reacts to something and the catch is reeled in. It is Scintael, paralyzed with a horrified, stunned look on his face from the shock of being in the land he was just in. Scintael is unceremoniously (sp?) dumped onto the ground next to the well, detached from the fishing line. After a quick Transmute Dust to Water is cast over him, he quickly comes to his senses.*

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Scintael

 

*Scintael slowly stands up, and suddenly a very cross look comes to his face. He begins gesturing wildly again, and incants a Gate spell. A large portal looms up in front of him, and a relatively bemused Bob is yanked out of it. Scintael glares madly as again he works his sorcerous arts, casting an Otilike's Telekinetic Sphere spell on the golem. Trapped in a hampsterball-like globe, Bob looks onward as Scintael weaves a third spell, a permanency spell. With it's duration now infinite, Scintael walks up to the nearly weightless globe, picks it up, and gruffly hurls it with all his might to the east. Stiffly he turns to Rava, bows in thanks, and walks off to the north, wondering about poor Zool.*

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Jojo

 

A lost figure, just walking around and tryin to find a way to somewhere suddenly steps in a hole. He slides down and hears "auwch"....he thinks "Auwch ??" and looks down to what has made that noise and finds his partner practicing for his last days when he will be burried in the earth forgood....Knowing Zool is in a verry uncomfortable situation Jojo tries to remember a spel to get him outta here......."Hmm.......maybe that spell I purchased last time will help........now wich spell was it ??.......chips I forgot......but I do know how it went..." Jojo casts the spell and suddenly hot glowing hot red meteors start falling form the sky..........."Uh......oh......now I remember I bought the meteor shower spell last........Oops"

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Zool

 

One of the meteors impacts very close by, fracturing the rock encasing Zool and throwing him aside in a smoking heap.

I'm just glad to be out of that rock.

"Thanks Jojo..."

[Guest lumpenproletariat]

Scintael

 

*Scintael sees bright flashes in the sky over the area he was approaching and guesses that Zool probably doesn't need his help anymore...*