Kendricke Posted June 27, 2002 Report Posted June 27, 2002 The Empty grabs hold of my chest, Icy tendrils take their root. Stabbing fingers coldly pressed, My heart contracts toward nothing-moot. The Empty fills whole of my mind, Eyes glaze over now-tonight. Daydreams bleeding with malign, Colors fade and become white.
Rahsash Geldich Posted June 28, 2002 Report Posted June 28, 2002 Interesting rhymes, and the imagery somehow keeps the theme of white when re-read, what with the line about icy tendrils.
reverie Posted June 28, 2002 Report Posted June 28, 2002 i like this one too, but i'd throw a 'the' in front of whole in the 2nd stanza... and change 'with' to 'so' right before 'malign' and throw the comma after bleeding... but's that just my opinion.... revery the dreamlost
Kendricke Posted June 29, 2002 Author Report Posted June 29, 2002 I do not believe that opinions are ever "just" (double entendre fully intended). However, I do respect them, and yours especially. I did take a look at my poem as your changes would have had it, and chose to retain it "as is". Nothing against you, and I did feel your changes were good suggestions. However, I was trying to keep a more Archtypical slant with the second stanza. I don't want to refer to any particular set of "the eyes", but rather refer more esoterically to all "Eyes" or "Daydreams". This is a poem about "The Empty", that feeling we've all had more times than we'd like, whether it be due to lonliness, depression, hate, anger (or more likely angst), bitterness, betrayal or any number of negative emotions which threaten to unravel our sense of well being. I don't know about you, but I've always associated a tight feeling in my chest with these types of emotional states, and I don't recall ever feeling too warm at the time either. If you've managed to capture any of this from reading my words, then I've at least managed to not handidly mangle this work, and I'm loathe to change it. I should mention that I did very seriously consider changing "with" to "so", but in the end chose to retain my original form. "So" would seem to indicate that the Daydreams themselves have become corrupted - the word "malign" would now directly describe "Daydreams" and not "bleeding". I don't feel that "Daydreams" are intended to be so dark, which is the impression I get if using "so". Daydreams, as used here, are still intended to be innocent and open (a parallel to Eyes from the first line), yet now wounded in some way...bleeding with malign. I do thank you for your feedback, and hope you do keep working towards helping me to better my feeble skills. I'll just keep trying to put my virtual quill to virtual parchment in the hopes of performing what I feel the focus of art to be: the ability to fully communicate emotion and experience from one person to another.
reverie Posted June 29, 2002 Report Posted June 29, 2002 oh... no disrepect... it's just the way i would have handled the word play... but then again i have a tendacy to edit myself into the ground and whatnot... (i solved this by saving my orginals, no matter how rough ...for inspiration's sake) But then again, my take is not your take... So it's really just a subjective thing... For example my tendancies would have had me write about the theme using the "the emptiness" instead... but that just how i handle juggle words versus concepts right now... (i really don't think about it, i just do it...) hmm, maybe i was a little too bold in suggesting... well if i offended in anyway, then i'm sorry... i just like to point things out when i see them... your more than welcome to tear into my work anytime... especially the ones in nyyrak's draft room... I find having a different perspective helps some. pub57.ezboard.com/bthedraftroom oh and i only threw in the malign thing, because well when i think of malign i think of a word like 'sinester'... so my brain thought... hmm, 'bleeding malignly' but that seem to alter it too much... so i just suggest 'so' instead... if that makes any sence... oh well, take care revery the dreamlost "joy and sorrow must take their turns, cold or hot we all must burn" the dream continues... Edited by: reverie at: 6/28/02 8:29:45 pm
Kendricke Posted June 29, 2002 Author Report Posted June 29, 2002 M'lord Reverie, I assure you that no offense what-so-ever, was taken. Edited by: Lord Kendricke at: 6/29/02 5:30:43 am
reverie Posted June 29, 2002 Report Posted June 29, 2002 Blinking and doing a sort of internal double take revery stares at the messenge before him... As the shock sets in the dreamlost is sent spinning off into a full blown online identidy crisis. Realing revery hurridly runs to the nearest mirror to check certain assets... Then swearing under muffle breath, "dang it, i knew i shouldn't have taken that copy of the 'The Bone Doll's Twin'" Then muses, 'ah, must try to put this as delicately as possible... well, if nothing else then, i can finally say that i can now relate to those cursed anime character with duel identities... sigh, Ranma buddy, i feel your pain... I guess this is what i get for calling groenjte of white tower a girl 2 years ago... heh, sorry kimi... and rainsong too come think of it?!' Revery steddies himself... "um My Lord Kendricke, i regret to inform you that, i cannot be rightly called the title of Lady... As it signifies a status that i could never possibly dream of obtaining(or want to for that matter, but then again, think of all the doors that could open{bad rev! bad!}) But, i digress... Respectfully i ask that if you must address me with a such a rank, then you would plz use the titles: Lord, Sir, Mr, Gentlemen, or even master. However, if that is too formal then Revery, rev, man, dude, guy,buddy, or even hey you male writer type person of the masculien persuacion..." o.o.c. Seriously though, i'm a guy. You hear that Pen! i'm not hiding anymore... That's it rev's coming out before the whole of the pen... Am, boy-type male, masculain, love the color blue definantly not grl who also happen to be a very poor speller. Don't worry, simple mistake, it's happened before. Well if nothing else is was fun writing this reply... take care... revery the dreamlost "open minded straight male...so stop judging me!!!" the dream continues... roflmoa! Edited by: reverie at: 6/28/02 9:37:27 pm
Peredhil Posted June 29, 2002 Report Posted June 29, 2002 Peredhil looks strangely at Rev' Heh, I have a soft phone-voice... and am often called Ma'am - even after correcting the other person. When I first read this poem, I flashed onto the Eastern image that white is a color associated with death, not purity. From there I drifted to the idea that evil is a cold unfeeling thing which is why the punishing hell is firey. I've noticed that people tend to move apart and numb out when they're being negative. All in all, neat poem.
Guest Xradion Posted July 1, 2002 Report Posted July 1, 2002 Interestingly enough, I thought that the poem was about death. I suppose that in a sense, the "unwinding of wellbeing" (as you described it) psychologically or emotionally is metaphysically related to death. The poem could be about any of the feelings you described, but the literal imagery in the poem sounds to me much like a poetic description of someone lying on their death bed, dying of a heart attack. The title "The Empty" suggests to me a feeling of void, or being stuck in limbo, which I associate with death. Still, I really enjoyed the poem. I most certainly would not change it, as I think that the words you have chosen convey their feeling very eloquently. Keep it up! Xradion, The Horny Druid, Scholar of the Ancient Arts, Holder of the Eye of Odin. "The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream." -Wallace Stevens "When at home, do as the Homans do." –Xradion
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