Rahsash Geldich Posted May 8, 2002 Report Posted May 8, 2002 Music sifts around Such a sweet sound Setting the mood My thinking askewed All for the music Play, my angel, Play Sing softly to the music Just don't abuse it The hypnotizing song That I knew all along All for the music Sing, my angel, Sing Don't think, just play, child- Though the music be wild Play through the Fae Kingdom Sing of mournful freedom. All for the music Magic, my angel, Magic Feel the song in your veins The melody in rains The music is enchanted Seed of sorc'ry planted All for the music Play, my angel, Play
Gwaihir Posted May 8, 2002 Report Posted May 8, 2002 I always enjoy your poems, but this one is especially nice. Am I imagining the Phantom of the Opera reference? ---------- I want to be page 93 of Pineapples, the Avian Crows-Nyyark
Gyrfalcon Posted May 9, 2002 Report Posted May 9, 2002 *Gyrfalcon applauds* For no specific reasons that I can form into words, I enjoyed reading this poem.
Guest Xradion Posted May 9, 2002 Report Posted May 9, 2002 *Brutal honesty tries to break free from his cage, but is unable to break through the chains of the mind to which he is bound. He does, however, manage to get one arm free, with which he is able to partly loosen the gag over his mouth.* I have mixed feelings about this. As a song, I think it works quite nicely. I can think of a few melodies/chord progressions that I think would work fairly well with it. However, as a poem, I don't like it as much for the simple reason that it's entitled "music" but isn't all that musical in nature. What do I mean by this? I mean simply that it makes use of the same basic rhyme scheme throughout the poem (AABB, chorus). My suggestion would be to vary this scheme a little by including a greater "A" section, followed by a "B" section and resolving back to the "A." The overall rhyme scheme breakdown, thus, would be (AABB, Chorus; Something else such as ABAB or whatever you like, Chorus; AABB, Chorus). I don't know if that was very clear, but I hope it was somewhat intelligible. Another thing you could do would be to make use of other poetic techniques such as alliteration in order to make use of the natural rhythm of the English language to a greater capacity. Remember: the English language is richer in rhythms than the Romance languages (less syllables/alliteration make for better flow), but the Romance languages have an infinite advantage over English in terms of rich melodic resonance and overall facility of harmonization (personal observations from having listened to an extensive amount of hip-hop, opera, and classical music). However, if this is intended as a song, it's simplicity is a virtue, because the harmonies and melodies will fill in the "gaps" in the lyrics, and overly complex lyrics would clash with the musical background. *Brutal Honesty is smacked with a nightstick and re-shackled by The Jailer* Either way, nice. I don't suggest that you revise this poem, but merely that you take my suggestions into account for future poems. Note that I am a crazy fan of Latin grooves, Classical, Opera, and Hip-hop that would like to see some bizarre fusion of the four, so take this advice (as all advice) with a grain of salt Xradion, The Horny Druid, Scholar of the Ancient Arts, Holder of the Eye of Odin. "The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream." -Wallace Stevens "When at home, do as the Homans do." –Xradion
Rahsash Geldich Posted May 9, 2002 Author Report Posted May 9, 2002 The main meaning behind this poem is just the magic that comes with song, music in general.. It is not meant to be a song, although it would be interesting to put a melody to it
Guest Xradion Posted May 10, 2002 Report Posted May 10, 2002 Forgive my previous criticism. For some reason, I have been extremely critical and extremely demanding this past week (it's kept ME from writing any poetry for the time being). The poem is good. It's just that I'm sort of big on "form as being expressive of content" in poetry. That's just a personal preferance, though. Take it easy and keep up the writing! Xradion, The Horny Druid, Scholar of the Ancient Arts, Holder of the Eye of Odin. "The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream." -Wallace Stevens "When at home, do as the Homans do." –Xradion Edited by: Xradion at: 5/10/02 1:33:13 am
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