Guest Cheye69 Posted February 24, 2002 Report Posted February 24, 2002 A deadly truth it’s fate’s design To pull you in control your mind Let weakness reign despair sink in If you could turn back where would you begin? I have you now you can’t go back It’s killing you to accept this fact Sneering at your screams of rage While chucking at your moans of pain This is my time I will do what I can To destroy you and all your clan Your bloody scent is filling my mind Your soul is shredding under my design Just keep on sinning I sing with delight Your carnal rage is quite a sight I almost tremble you're filling me with power To destroy you and reclaim my last hour Edited by: Cheye69 at: 2/24/02 8:56:27 am
Rahsash Geldich Posted February 24, 2002 Report Posted February 24, 2002 I love the style that this is written in, it has bits of medevil in it that give it an ageless quality. Enough to give me goosebumps. ::claps appreciatively:: It lures you in with first lines that make you feel like you can relate but as it goes along, its like Alice had looked too far down the wrong rabbit hole.
Gyrfalcon Posted February 25, 2002 Report Posted February 25, 2002 Ooo... *pulls out a holy crossbow with holy bolts and tries to peg Satan* Thats for stealing my geld without giving me any units you demonic b******! *chases the arch-demon around with the crossbow* Come back here! I'm not finished with you yet! *Stops and looks at Cheyenne* Um... *hides the crossbow behind his back, with a disarming grin* Heya, Cheyenne! I like your poem!
Ozymandias Posted February 26, 2002 Report Posted February 26, 2002 It grabs you at the title...immediately conjured images, for me, of Karl Marx, the Pope, and the American news media. Which set a particularly effective tone for reading the actual poem.
Cheyenne Posted May 6, 2003 Report Posted May 6, 2003 Hey, I didn't know this was here...By the way, did I tell you this is the on I got published? Oh, BP, I have a copy of the book on the way to me...I will have to send it to you, that is if I can get a second copy. I don't know when will be for sale but I will keep you all posted. Thanks to Wyv and BP and everyone else who encouraged me enought to try. Thank you!
Salinye Posted May 6, 2003 Report Posted May 6, 2003 Oh, I really liked this one. The rythm of it is very steady, I found myself reading it to an increasing beat. :0) ~Salinye
Shadow of the Butterfly Posted May 6, 2003 Report Posted May 6, 2003 Very well done. Quite descriptive, to say the least. One thing, however, that you might want to change: "While chucking at your moans of pain"... Should it be "chuckling" instead of "chucking"? I may be incorrect in my assesment...one never knows. Care, Shadow of the Butterfly
Cheyenne Posted May 6, 2003 Report Posted May 6, 2003 You are so right! Good thing it is correct in the published form.....I had to change soul from sould from the original as well....So many things when you write you can miss...and I am such a horrible proof-reader as far as grammar and puncuation goes. Actually there is one thing about this poem that I do not like and I find myself even to this day trying to find a way around Sneering at your screams of rage While chucking at your moans of pain Those two lines just seem to make it loose its flow...I haven't been able to figure out what to do about it though. Any sugestions?
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