A long time coming...

[Guest Lord Seth Exodus]

Well, all, it has been quite some time since last I posted much of anything. I've been rather busy as of late, not busy of the body, but certainly of the mind. This is something that came to me last night. It has the same rhyme scheme as my last work, but it works, and I like it. By the by, if anyone finds mistakes in my archaic speech, a misused "thou", or what have you, which is highly likely, please tell me.

 

Fate

 

Where doth thou reside? I cannot tell.

Thou art not in Heaven, nor in Hell.

But where ere thou art, none shall know;

As thou wilt move on, and of thou go.

 

Down with the damned thou doth walk,

To plague their lives and curse their talk.

Abreast with the blessed, thou swiftly stride,

To annoint their heads and forgive their pride.

 

Thou art near, so close at hand;

Yet thou rule a far off, dark and dreamy land.

Thy stench is strong, and sickly sweet,

And thou, one day, I'll ungladly meet.

 

Thou filled my mortal life with pain,

As thou gave me fleeting dreams of gain.

Thou art cold and cruel, 'tis true;

Still, all who hate thee be far and few.

 

Fate, my friend, I hate thee so;

Yet in thy arms I shall old grow.

Now with my immortal soul thou play,

Never leaving me at peace to lay.

 

-Seth Exodus

 

Initiate of The Pen

[Bhurin]

Hmm...

 

I think I could have a field day on this one, Seth; though for now I'll make my comments before I even attempt to critique.

 

A most interesting work, my friend. Actually, I enjoyed the message far more than the style or rhyme. (You could have blatantly stated this point of view and I would called you brilliant).

 

Point of view poems, especially alien ones or ones I have not yet considered, are fascinating. You depict an interesting force of the universe, and question its involvement in the grand scheme of things (whether it is the grand scheme, or indeed has become tainted by alignment and now serves another power).

 

Few people quesiton fate, or bother to make observations on its various aspects.

 

This is one of those poems I wish I had thought of first.

 

As for rhyme scheme and structure, it flowed excellantly. Though I shall critique more indpeth later, my only comment would be not to force the archaic language too much, as to interefere with flow. If you wonder what I mean, re-look at the poem and ask yourself whether or not there was a spot where you sacrificed rhythm for use of language.

 

(Sorry, I'm just an old rhythm stickler.)

 

Well, I guess that'll do. Keep it up, your stuff is really good and unique.

 

Signed-

[Peredhil]

Good meaty subject, dealt with well...

 

I sometimes confuse dost and doth myself - perhaps some checks are in order?

 

One suggestion I've been given: write it in modern English and then translate back to Middle English. Ensures flow and correct usage.

 

For me, it also ruined the mood (something important to my writing), but I pass the idea on for your consideration.

[Guest Lord Seth Exodus]

Thank you, my friends, for your words of praise; and even more for your critical insights. I shall take into consideration all that you have said, as it is all very sound advice. We shall see if I can apply it when next I write

 

 

 

Yours truly,

 

Seth Exodus

 

Initiate of The Pen

[Tralla]

... Wow. Just, wow. That's all I can say. O.o