Yui-chan Posted January 15, 2002 Report Posted January 15, 2002 I've finally been inspired to add a bit of depth to this piece. I'm not entirely sure whether the new writing enhances the piece or detracts from it, but I do feel that it's finally clear what the purpose was. I couldn't very well leave a poem posted that portrays just the opposite of my own view on life. Please, tell me what you think about the addition and the message. Is it clear? Better, now that it's longer, or worse? Thank you, @-/--- Yui Blow the shards apart, Shards of heart. Let them burn where'ere thou art. Cry freezing tears, For seconds, years. Flowing like thy bleeding fears. All, then, be still and rest and die, For better that than choose as I. Better that than shattered naught. Better purged of rancid thought. Better eternity's blank sleep Than bladed hurt that runs soul-deep. Scream wrending pain, A shrill refrain. That shard-sliced bound'ries shan't contain. In suff'ring wrythe, 'Neath Fate's cruel scythe. Surrender all thou art as tithe. All, then, be still and empty lie, For better that than choose as I. Better that than hopeless fight. Better blind than tortured sight. Better oblivion's delight Than miswrought life of venom'd spite. Weave tearful prayers, filled all with cares. Sent winging high 'pon faith-built stairs. Hold tight thy hopes, Those hanging ropes. O'er silent time, belief elopes. All, then, let fall and crumbled lie, For better that than choose as I. Better that than hope distraught. Better walls than risk love caught. Better never first begot Than end in spilt blood come to naught. Blow the shards apart, Shards of heart. End all that is, all that thou art. Give up and cease and fail and die, Or live and fight and choose as I... Edited by: Yui Temae at: 3/13/02 10:59:20 am
Rahsash Geldich Posted January 15, 2002 Report Posted January 15, 2002 I don't know, I really like it how it is, espically the terminology, how it has that Shakespearian feel to it.
The Portrait of Zool Posted January 16, 2002 Report Posted January 16, 2002 It certainly is... tragic. Beautifully tragic. The depth of the sorrow and remorse the poem conveys is truly touching. ~Zool~ Ancient, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword. Bard of Terra, Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards. Elder than dirt, more foolish than a jester, able to trip over the smallest logic in a single step. It's... Oh, you know.
Gyrfalcon Posted January 16, 2002 Report Posted January 16, 2002 *Gyr applauds and waits patiently for more when it comes to that* I like, Yui-chan. *grin*
Tralla Posted January 17, 2002 Report Posted January 17, 2002 It's sad and beautiful at the same time. I love it.
Guest Foe Calibur Posted January 17, 2002 Report Posted January 17, 2002 Sorrow's has an beauty untold, but by the best of poets. Foe applauds
Bhurin Posted January 18, 2002 Report Posted January 18, 2002 I like how it flows simply, with excellant wording and rhythm. I, personally, would not object to more, though know that it is complete in how you have stated it. Sometimes the greatest things are not complicated at all...
Peredhil Posted February 6, 2002 Report Posted February 6, 2002 I hope when you finish this, it will be a constrasting piece, not a continuation of pain. Peredhil hugs Yui-chan. This too shall pass. Only death doesn't change. -Peredhil
Falcon2001 Posted March 14, 2002 Report Posted March 14, 2002 Very very excellent work, Yui! I haven't had the pleasure to read much of your work, but this easily fulfills all of the expectations I had from someone of your talent. I have heard so much about your work, and I see very little, but I enjoy what I see. Cioden Darkeye Quill-Bearer - The Pen is Mightier than the Sword President of the Peredhil Fan Club Owner of the Reply Raven - Enemy to all those who never post responses Ashaman - WoT - Blitz II Council - The Hunters - Blitz II Leisure Officer - SFV Ultima - Beta
Yui-chan Posted March 18, 2002 Author Report Posted March 18, 2002 Thank you, Falcon. I'm afraid my poetry muse is the most flighty of them all, so I have dry spells rather often. I do have some older works (most from I think before you were an active Member) on the board, but not that many. The days when I had lots of time to write have passed, unfortunately. I am glad that you like the work, though. Coming from someone of your talent, it's quite a compliment!
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