Guest Blondemoon Posted January 12, 2003 Report Posted January 12, 2003 any criticism is welcome, since I just finished writing it out 5 minutes ago on paper tease me go ahead, do it it's what you always do even when you don't mean it go on dangle that slice of hope before my eyes you've become good at that too I sit alone, wishing your words were true, wishing they meant what I want them to so sorry you say, that I couldn't give you what you want, that it's not enough I say sorry if I'm needy, if I've been deprived of the one thing I need have needed for so long, that always cuts me so deep when I do find it. tired of excuses made tired of feeling pain tired of being cast aside tired of all the lies but it comes with the territory called Love. ... This post has been edited by Hanna on Jan 27 2003, 8:00 AM
Justin Silverblade Posted January 27, 2003 Report Posted January 27, 2003 Hello.... very nice... it's got a lot of strength to it - in the reading I mean. Criticism? Never liked the word. But I've got a few thoughts: I love the spacing. I'm not sure whether you intended it or not, but by double spacing every line, I have a tendancy to put a pause there in my reading, (even though my English Prof says I shouldn't). It adds to the feel of.... helplessness (that's not the right word, but I hope you know what I mean). Also, the lack of capitals at the beggining of each sentence adds a submissive gesture to the "comes with the territory called Love" idea. Subtly powerful. One minor thing I would change (and it is only minor), you've expressed that you will use punctuation (sp?), and so I would add a period at the end of each verse (each double spaced phrase). Also - just one thing on this phrase: "tired of excuses made tired of feeling pain" I'd change that last line to two: "tired of feeling pain." So there you are - I know it's not exactly proffesional editing, but just some thoughts for you to consider, since you asked. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed it. - Justin
Guest Hanna Posted January 27, 2003 Report Posted January 27, 2003 The spacing was actually the fault of the parser (since it striped HTML..it added spacing). Sorry about that Blondemoon.. and sorry bout that Justin. I went ahead and removed the spacing to restore the poem to it's original state.
Vlad Posted January 27, 2003 Report Posted January 27, 2003 dangle that slice of hope before my eyes This is really good, and stuck out to me.I also like the parallel lines at the end. [tired of ...]
Justin Silverblade Posted January 28, 2003 Report Posted January 28, 2003 Hmmm, oh well Hanna. There's another thing you could think about then, Blondemoon, double spacing it. But my other comments still hold - it was a good poem.
Blondemoon Posted January 28, 2003 Report Posted January 28, 2003 Thanks guys. I'd go see how I wrote it out, if it was double spaced or not, but that notebook is across the room, and ugh, I just have no energy this early in the morning. I'm currently trying to work on something that has to do with work....being stuck in a car that has no heat, when it's 0 degrees out, and you're stuck at a traffic light. Had all sorts of cute little stanzas and stuff parading through my brain yesterday, but unfortunately, I haven't gotten around to writing them down yet. *eyes the mini tape recorder on her desk* Nah...I already sound like a buffalo with a cold, don't need that on tape.
Rune Posted January 29, 2003 Report Posted January 29, 2003 Well when you do get em written down, be sure to post em!
Cyril Darkcloud Posted February 10, 2003 Report Posted February 10, 2003 Blondemoon, I've enjoyed what I've read of your work on the boards here these last few weeks. There is an intriguing structure running through this piece that lends a certain ease of movement to your words and ideas. Nicely done. I'll try and post some more detailed feedback to your stuff in the Critics' Corner some time in the next few days.
HopperWolf Posted February 10, 2003 Report Posted February 10, 2003 This poem really got to me in that sad way. I could really relate to what was written. Whether the circumstance is the same or not the words match exactly sometimes. Thought you would just like to know that it's a wonderful piece, the phrasing is excellent, and that it reaches out to at least me on more personal level
Cyril Darkcloud Posted February 13, 2003 Report Posted February 13, 2003 Feedback posted in the Critics' Corner located here
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