SoaringIcarus Posted December 29, 2002 Report Posted December 29, 2002 When [lost] is found Who's around That she would want, for Tea? Not me, certainly, She'd rather be In Ireland Her castle-land Far away from me. She sang a song And it wasn't long Before all fled-- Scorched ears on heads-- What she said Would myself embed With closed arms (for I'm strong.) It is humorous, almost That her anger was utmost To remember the day I was born. So out of scorn She informs her forlorn That he's to have no music dosed. A sneer tops her face In vindictive haste To press the only button not covered by snow. But she does not know My skin deep scarecrow The real music encased.
Nyyark Posted December 30, 2002 Report Posted December 30, 2002 Ooooh I like it alot. Great word choice and good imagery. I love a scarecrow as a metaphore(even if scarecrows go against what I belive in) Very, very cool.
Guest Mister Burrofoot Posted December 30, 2002 Report Posted December 30, 2002 Its interesting read, I am kinda lost on what it means though.. Could you explain?
SoaringIcarus Posted December 30, 2002 Author Report Posted December 30, 2002 This poem is actually about a girl I know who's a good friend of mine. Of course, that wasn't evident in the poem, but I wrote this poem as if I were her. Strange, I know, but we're very close friends. She spoke with me on the phone about her birthday, and afterwards I wrote this. Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When [lost] is found Who's around That she would want, for Tea? Not me, certainly, She'd rather be In Ireland Her castle-land Far away from me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This first stanza is about her general relationship with her mother, [lost]. Brackets because her mother is lost within herself, and too afraid to admit it. She cannot stand her daughter and has a very distinct obsession with what she believes Ireland is like. Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- She sang a song And it wasn't long Before all fled-- Scorched ears on heads-- What she said Would myself embed With closed arms (for I'm strong.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The song reference has to do with the temper of Irish mothers. There's not much more I'm able to relate than that. I myself don't fully understand it; I don't think I want to. However this, her mother's usage of song in a hateful context, is interestingly juxtaposed with her daughter's love of music in a context of primarily theraputic and meditative value. She reacts to this with stoicism, and opens up to few. Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is humorous, almost That her anger was utmost To remember the day I was born. So out of scorn She informs her forlorn That he's to have no music dosed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Her mother refused to let her play the piano, on her birthday. No explanation given. She loves that thing more than I do. This was especially why I identified with her so closely. Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A sneer tops her face In vindictive haste To press the only button not covered by snow. But she does not know My skin deep scarecrow The real music encased. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Although this came as somewhat of a blow; the only figurative button that her mother could try to push (not covered by snow, or stoicism) seemed to only have been painted on, in the first place. This girl... has a pretty vivid imagination, (I'm begging her to join The Pen), and when it comes to writing music, even without a piano... incredible things happen. No one can take it away from her. And with a scarecrow-like stoicism, who would even know she holds it so dearly? I hope this cleared things up; I'm glad some of you enjoyed this poem.
Wyvern Posted December 30, 2002 Report Posted December 30, 2002 A very interesting poem, SoaringIcarus, and certainly one of the more intriguing poems I've read at the Pen recently. The poem seems to be written in a highly personal manner, with several metaphors and numerous references that perhaps only the narrator can truly pick up on. I very much like the structure of the poem, and find the rhythm and rhyme schemes to be both interesting and well executed. The spacing between the rhyming syllables creates an atypically rapid pattern that holds the readers attention throughout the poem. I also like the uses of abstract visual effects (such as the way the word "lost" has been placed in brackets) and word choice (like the way "dose" is used for the giving of music). Though I'm unable to uncover their meanings, I also appreciate your personal references in the poem, such as the line in the final stanza where you mention the woman "press the only button/not covered by snow" (ll.24-25). While I can't pinpoint an exact theme to the poem due to it's personal nature, I believe it may have something to do with the inability of the antagonist woman to deprive the narrator of music, as music is too deeply embedded in narrator's soul to do so. Excellent work, SoaringIcarus. I look forward to more of your works.
Peredhil Posted December 30, 2002 Report Posted December 30, 2002 Peredhil saunters in and adjusts the cuffs on his suit. I'm with you Carlyan. There are some here at the Pen with the training, depth, and insight to provide critical feedback. (Wyvern, Zool, and Yui-chan spring to mind.) I've always been of the ADHD school of - It kept my attention all the way through. I liked it. It spoke to me in my way (the purpose of poetry in my opinion) and it's neat to find out how it spoke to you, the Poet as well. -which still seems to be okay. Don't be afraid to post feedback of the "I like it" kind. I, for one, appreciate anything! I think most do. Wanders out again.
Guest Rhapsody Posted December 30, 2002 Report Posted December 30, 2002 I just liked how you brought the theme of music into the mix.
reverie Posted December 30, 2002 Report Posted December 30, 2002 say um... ya know, i do similar things with my various muses from life when writing... sometime is better to leave it all a mystery, let the one strang from find it... but hey, this a learning type communtiy i guess.... so why not... just seems like a magicain revealing all his tricks... revery the dreamlost "you can say a lot with words..." the dream continues...
Guest Carlyan the Wise Posted December 31, 2002 Report Posted December 31, 2002 *laughs* I've just realised that I know absolutely nothing about poetry, except what I like and think sounds good. Of course, this is one that I like and think sounds good Well done, SoaringIcarus... *Good choice of name, by the way-- I especially loved that tale in mythology*
Falcon2001 Posted January 2, 2003 Report Posted January 2, 2003 This is an excellent poem, Icarus, and I've also always been very weird on replies, I can't always provide accurate criticism, but I still love 'em. This is a wonderful poem, but I think you could tidy it up a little...but that's just me. Cioden Darkeye Quill-Bearer - The Pen is Mightier than the Sword Owner of the Reply Raven - Enemy to all those who never post responses "Oh my God, I'm LEAKING POETRY!"
Guest Rune Posted January 2, 2003 Report Posted January 2, 2003 hehe, im horrible at providing feedback as well..but I feel that if someone took the time to post then I can take the time to at least post if I like it or not. Great job Icarus, I really enjoyed it.
Guest Blondemoon Posted January 2, 2003 Report Posted January 2, 2003 Much of what I learned about poetry in school has faded in the dim recesses of my mind, but I do know that I like this. I like the rhyme scheme of it, and the way it fits together.
Guest crowgirl1126 Posted January 3, 2003 Report Posted January 3, 2003 Soaring Icarus- It seems to remind me of a personal friend whom I know which I can relate to as well. Although the rhyme sceme is different as well as the meter, it reminds me a bit of Emily Dickinson's style a bit. I really like how you tried a different style and then later broke it down to explain some of it to the readers. I agree that it could be improved perhaps in the meter aspect, but I liked it and I hope you can write more poems like these, even if you don' post them on the pen for awhile. Keep your dreams alive.
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