Guest Mister Burrofoot Posted December 9, 2002 Report Posted December 9, 2002 ~ The Door ~ I lay awake all night Trying to figure what went wrong Can't trust my sight So lost, enveloped in the darkness I turn to my heart Always knows what's right Struck by a poisoned dart The sorrow, the anger, the pain Fills up my once trusted heart It runs loose flowing through my veins Flowing steadily, following its course It all leads to the mind Where my true mental state shines And the Insanity ensues But it is all over, it stops The color of my sight The beating of my heart The tears of my pain The flow of my blood For now it is on the floor Spilling out with a Crazed passion Behind that one locked door The door you closed and locked.
SoaringIcarus Posted December 11, 2002 Report Posted December 11, 2002 This is a good poem. It feels inclined to rhyme, in parts, but only does so, in parts. I guess I'm an all-or-nothing kinda guy. Curious usage of a capital letter, for Crazed. As if by capitalizing it, you respect the mental state more. Or perhaps it was only for emphasis, such as italics might demonstrate? Again, stylistic preferences. The ending has so much potential, but it feels like you compromise yourself. The door being locked implies that it's been closed. (Perhaps superfluous.) Don't compromise yourself. Run wild. Write on. -Icarus
Guest Mister Burrofoot Posted December 11, 2002 Report Posted December 11, 2002 Thank you very much for the.. damn.. word slipped outta my mind.. Well thank you anywho.. I do realize the poem could go farther, but at the time, when I reached the last part, I was in such tears.. =~( And Also, the quick ending pertains the the end of *the life* in the poem, to drag it on, would make it seem like a never ending death.. =)
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