HopperWolf Posted November 26, 2002 Report Posted November 26, 2002 Visages of the future and past, Colliding together, soft and sharp, Living eternity every second to the last. His past a blend of then and now, For all he lives for the world to bow, Chin on hands in thought to wonder “how?” Sudden image brings sharp focus, Forever is in the now at last, His mind alive in the world; he’s joined us. Present sublime with woken heart, His soul afire with Passion’s art Alive with love which he’s become a part. Seeing faces in his dreams, His fate uncertain, Nothing as it seems. When one faces stands above, Past; perfect, Future; full, Complete in his love.
HopperWolf Posted November 27, 2002 Author Report Posted November 27, 2002 (Conversion confusion, this is actually the fifth post in this thread) thanks, I agree totally with what you say. It was a bit of an experiment with those two stanzas though: they are in fatc the first and last lines of the other stanzas. I took them from their original places because there was even less flow in the poem, but I didn't want to leave out the messages they conveyed. I think I can do better though, I think I'll have another look at this one
Vlad Posted November 27, 2002 Report Posted November 27, 2002 (Conversion confusion, this is actually the fourth post in this thread) This is... interesting, to say the least. I like how you made the last two stanzas, but didn't notice it at first. Or at all, if you hadn't told me. I agree with Icarus in that you need to work on structure. If the last stanzas were more obviusly liked to the rest of the poem, I think you would be fine. Just extend them. ---Vlad the Imploder--- No relation to Vlad the Impaler "If I had $75 for every time that happened, by the way, it'll cost you $75..." -Dr. Hibbert "Hello, everybody!" -Dr. Nick "Me is smart. Dur." -Stick
SoaringIcarus Posted November 27, 2002 Report Posted November 27, 2002 (Conversion confusion, this is actually the third post in this thread) And by the way...why havn't you applied for membership yet? You are most certainly qualified. -Perplexed Icarus
SoaringIcarus Posted November 28, 2002 Report Posted November 28, 2002 (Conversion confusion, this is actually the second post in this thread) First off, great title. At times the metre can feel a bit cheated, ergo flow is interrupted. However, your usage of fluid description: "Forever is in the now at last" (nice) really enriches the poems. I feel as if the last two stanzas lost the momentum the rest of the poem was setting up. Although the last stanza is a good ending, judging by the previous writing, I'll bet you could write one three times better, if you perhaps thought a little bit more in terms of structure as a whole. This all of course, is only the humble say of some strange guy who decided to offer his input on this tastefully cosmic poem. -Icarus
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