Yui's Poetry Collected

[Yui-chan]

Thank you both, Dark and DragonQueen. I'm glad you enjoyed these, and I appreciate the kind comments.

[Yui-chan]

These Words

{Published, Winter 03}

 

These words are a slow, languid melody

that hums its way free of my heart.

These words are a thin, fragile part of me

that cowers and quails from the start.

Each line is a hard, sharpened rapier

with power to play, cut, or kill.

Each line is a glimpse at the shape I wear,

though part of me hides from you still.

 

These letters are clues to the mystery

of all that is hidden within.

These letters are windows that help you see

the center at which I begin.

Each syllable adds to a running count

of holes in the walls 'round my soul.

Each syllable means, as the numbers mount,

that more can escape my control.

 

These words are the cracks in my stone facade

through which glows the soft, golden light

Of a heart that will bleed at the slightest prod

but loves with invincible might.

[Yuki Kokoro]

This is such a perceptive (and brilliant!) exploration into the nature of writing. I relate to this idea very well and only wish I could be as clear in expressing it. This poem makes me glad to have the Pen on multiple levels, first as a place where people understand the trust given to a reader by bearing thoughts and feelings, and also as a place to find poems like this.

 

I really liked: "Each line is a glimpse at the shape I wear/ though part of me hides from you still", even when you want to trust it's hard to do so.

 

The last stanza was also great: the of gentlest hearts are hurt easiest but they also comfort earnestly, relate sincerely and love deepest. Opening a heart makes it vulnerable to hurt, but without opening it you can't let anyone in.

 

Mad Merlin and Masochist were really good too. You have such a great sense of rhythm, Masochist flowed beautifully and I loved the italics at the beginning of every line forming it's own line of thought that fit into the whole.

[Falcon2001]

Wow - I feel almost daunted by the idea of writing with you on Via Umbrae I guess I'll have to keep up my end of the story.

[Quincunx]

Frantic--I love lists and digging around in vocabulary for every word which might possibly cover some aspect of the situation. That you squeezed them all into meter gives them a soundtrack!

 

(just then the dot under the exclamation point expands to the size of a transcontinental train tunnel and spills out a Mack truck bulging with caffeinated brain bugs and being driven by ((dear gods no)) Minta--they careen through the review, leaving strawberry jam treadmarks, and out again through a gap-toothed smilie smile.)

 

. . .Yeah. Like that.

 

If that's a freewrite, then you have an internal editor. Observation not criticism.

[Yui-chan]

Yuki-san: The nature of writing is always kind of an area of interest for me because it's become such an important part of my life. ... it might also have something to do with the compulsory nature of my Muse, but I'm not sure. I'm so glad you can relate to 'These Words', and I appreciate the comments on that and the others.

 

Falcon: No daunting allowed. I'm really enjoying Via Umbrae, though I know I'm slow. Thanks for writing with me!

 

Quincunx: Form, flow and rhythm begin the process; emotion builds the body around the frame; and then wriggling around with the different words that can say what you want is how that nekkid form gets some clothes... or just pretty shinies, as per one's preference. I do think that Minta fits terribly well with the brain-mite bugs, and for that reason, I am very sorry. I hope they won't teach her any bad habits... er... worse habits. From me and the little editing Gestapo in my head: Thanks for the comments.

 

Yours collectively,

~Yui

[Yui-chan]

Melody

 

E slides up the metal strands and radiates to air.

Its crystal shudder grows, expands and hauntingly hangs there.

Like frozen time or taught-held breath, anticipation grips

the rounding lines of treble clef while twice the heartbeat trips.

 

Then F intrudes with half a step to steal the light from E

tugging at the plain concept with nervous energy.

For half as long it rules in waves that gracefully dance forth

to meet and conquer silent staves, and thereby prove their worth.

 

C ascends with mighty bound and guards as F retreats.

The pristine clarity there found excuses its conceits.

As power, high and pure and strong, reverberates and flows,

three moments pass - an eon long - in resonating throes.

 

All slips to flat when B remains to carry bright C's load,

the partial strength that it contains assaulted, overflowed.

Weaker, though, and one-half down, still bravely it endures,

achieving equal time's renown to win acoustic wars.

 

Somber G alone is left to linger in the end

and offer up to those bereft the solace of a friend.

With soft and steady voice, it coaxes back the silent norm,

a decrescendo choice to ease the passing of the storm.

 

_________

Everything you need is here. I hope you can find the true form of this piece of art. :wizzie:

 

Sincerely,

~Yui

 

{Edit in stanza 4, lines 2 and 4. Used to be 'o'erthrown and' and 'against defeated hordes'.}

Edited January 16, 2004 by Yui-chan

[Wyvern]

"Melody" has really got me wishing I knew a thing or two about guitars, since I'm definitely intrigued to hear the melody with my own ears after reading this piece. Your amazingly vivid imagery really drew me into the poem, Yui, and the structure and rhythm of the poem were both brilliant as well. Even without having heard the guitar piece, I think the poem evokes enough feeling and emotion to give the reader a deep appreciation for it. Needless to say, I thought it was an excellent poem.

 

In terms of possible improvements, I didn't think the fourth stanza read quite as well as the others. "o'erthrown" seemed a bit out of place to me, and the combo of "endures" and "hordes" seemed to break the otherwise perfect rhythm. These little flaws seemed minor in the context of the rest of the piece, however.

 

Awesome poem!

 

Wyv-

- On a mission to get one of his more guitar-savvy relatives to play this melody for him before his vacation ends...

[Yui-chan]

Actually, I don't know a thing about guitars, myself. ... there are ... other instruments that use metal strings, though they aren't as ... visible... *whistles innocently*

 

If you do find someone to play it on a guitar, then please let me know if it still makes a good melody. I'm kind of curious, now.

 

Thanks for the feedback. I read stanza four again and slapped my head, wondering what I was thinking when I wrote it. I completely agree with you that those words need changed, and you can bet I'll give it some thought and ... accidentally... strike out a word or two. I can't thank you enough for pointing it out to me. Ugh.

 

Sincerely,

~Yui

[Yui-chan]

{Transfered from the freewrites thread in order to consolidate poems.}

 

A Never-Life

22 Jan, 2004

 

Nevermind the painful lies he told.

Nevermind the heavy hand.

Nevermind the way his eyes grew cold

as she struggled just to stand.

 

Never think about the way she'd scream.

Never think about the sound.

Never think about the wicked gleam

of the blood upon the ground.

 

Never fear the hatred in his tone.

Never fear the sweat and tears.

Never fear the snap of fragile bone

as they progress through the years.

 

Never look into her hollow eyes.

Never look at his sick grin.

Never look to see her unvoiced cries

when he'd hurt her deep within.

 

Rather, hold her hand when months have passed,

as she's dying from his touch,

and then never hope to never hurt

when he loves you, too - too much.

[Beautiful Nightmare]

As usual you have created a wonderful and beautiful poem! your such a great poet i hope to someday write like you!!!!

[Wyvern]

Yui,

 

First of all, very nice changes to "Melody." I think that "accoustic wars" maintains the rhythm very well, and is also a far more evocative image than "defeated hordes." Interestingly, the first time I read the poem, the piano was the first instrument that came to mind... then after rereading it and noticing the metal strands image, I thought it might be the guitar. I take it the piano is the correct instrument the poem is alluding to, right?

 

Secondly, I really liked "A Never-Life," and thought that the uses of repitition worked very well, particularly in the final stanza. That last stanza was my favorite, as I thought that the line "never hope to never hurt" really drove across the theme of hopelessness strongly. In terms of improvements, there was one image that didn't strike me quite as much as the others: "wicked gleam."

 

Great stuff, as always.

[Yui-chan]

Arwen,

 

That's so nice of you to say. Thanks! I don't think you should ever write like me, though. I think you should write like you, instead.

 

Wyvern,

 

I'm glad you liked the changes in 'Melody'. I did, too. Again, thanks so much for pointing them out to me.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how you can completely track my thought processes with these poems, by the way. Maybe it's just a sign that we have the same tastes, but you always like the same lines I do. You also always are displeased with the lines I struggled with. I think that's an indication that I tend to say 'good enough' a little too often with those awkward lines. I'm going to try to avoid that, next time.

 

Thank you both for commenting!

~Yui

 

Oh, PS: Yes, I was using a piano to create the sounds in 'Melody'. Did you ever get to convince someone to play a guitar version of the chords? Was it any good?

[Yui-chan]

{Transfered from the freewrites thread in order to consolidate poems.}

 

Swim the Pitch-Black Sea

21 March, 2004

 

(Created as a caption for the digital painting of the same name.)

 

There you wait in darkest night,

silent but for breath.

There you wait with dimming sight,

counting down to death.

There you wait, a soul adrift to

contemplate your end

tumbling to infinity

with fear your only friend.

 

Take my hand.

 

Let me show you all the naught

between the living flames.

Let me show you all I've sought

in dancing, midnight games.

Let me show you leagues of empty,

cold and lonely space

flowing ever outward at

eternity's slow pace.

 

Take my hand.

 

Fly with me through rainbow veils

that touch and cling and sigh.

Fly with me through diamond tails

of comets passing by.

Fly with me on winds of sunlight

wafting through the void,

seeking dreams of distant shores

already long destroyed.

Take my hand.

 

Swim with me the pitch-black deep

of interstellar sea.

Swim with me as down we sweep

through empty ecstasy.

Swim with me to sanctuary,

crystalline, blue sky

and let me give you one last kiss

before I say goodbye.

[Yui-chan]

I don't really know what makes a poem a poem if it doesn't rhyme, but I'm hoping that form can do the trick as a substitute. It's the closest thing I've written to what I call 'freeverse' poetry, and truthfully, I doubt I'd ever go closer. I simply don't comprehend the appeal of a poem if there's no challenge of either chosing meter and rhyme to be precisely aligned or designing every piece to match the template of form.

 

Anyway, I've never claimed to know anything about poetry. I just write it. I hope this latest one doesn't sux0r. It didn't come out quite as I'd intended when I started it...

 

Stranger

12 May, 2004

 

A crowded train on a summer day

draws the funneling flow of bodies

into an air-conditioned shell,

a metal-and-grease cylinder

that will drag them off into the day.

 

A hundred forms in that too-small space

stare at nothingness through the crush,

intent on all-consuming thoughts,

on money-and-time ponderings

that are born of their worryful lives.

 

However...

 

A chubby man in a chartreuse shirt

slips up wordlessly by a woman

wearing a too-revealing blouse,

a come'ere-and-take confection

that would be sweet if only she'd smile.

 

He averts his eyes.

She restrains her sighs.

They ponder each other

with barely a glance between them.

 

That's how...

 

A distant pair on a crowded train

shares a curious thought in silence

about the much-overlooked view,

the uniquely-skewed perspective

of the world through a stranger's blank eyes.

 

 

 

 

Feedback level: BRING IT ON! (10)

[Katzaniel]

I liked it, as with everything of yours that I have so far found, but it just didn't seem quite right. I guess the best way to describe what I mean is by saying that it felt too precise for freeverse. The long lines and compact style (as in fitting everything neatly where it belongs) led up to expecting rhythm and rhyme, (despite the disclaimer), and it never comes. Perhaps that could be solved by rhyming just the last two lines of each section? Or by varying the line length, systematically if you wish but not so constant at any rate.

 

I find myself liking these lines very much, but mainly because they rhyme:

He averts his eyes.

She restrains her sighs.

Then the pattern doesn't continue and it detracts from the rest. I hate to counsel you to remove the rhyme, but unless you decide to add a few others into it, I can't help but think it would be for the best.

 

 

Ehh... what do I know about poetry, anyway?

Edited May 13, 2004 by Katzaniel

[DL_Snake]

I like this poem very much.

 

It somehow catches the spirit of two people who don't know each other, sharing thoughts but not openly. Happened to me once in an elevator =)

 

you captured the atmosphere perfectly, kudos!

[Wyvern]

I thought that "Stranger" was a very interesting and well-written poem, Yui-chan, and found the more liberal uses of form in it very refreshing after the consistant rhymes of your previous poems. I particularly liked some of your original uses of structure in the piece, which I didn't pick up on a first read but which became more apparent after looking back over it a few times. I especially like your pattern of hyphenated adjectives, as the manner that four of the stanzas use four syllable hyphenated adjectives in their third and fourth lines is a very unique and innovative use of structure. Unlike Katzaniel, I thought that the original details of the piece spoke for themselves, and were not hindered by the lack of rhyme schemes.

 

In terms of potential improvements, I don't think that "However" and "that's how" deserve stanzas to themselves, and you might want to either get rid of them entirely or condense them into the other stanzas somehow. Also, the last stanza reads as a bit confusing to me, as I'm uncertain of the theme that it's trying to convey. Are the two strangers contemplating the manner that strangers view each other in general as a result of their encounter? You may want to expand upon it somehow... Finally, the last line of the first stanza and the use of the adjective "too-small" in the first line of the second stanza both struck me as a bit awkward when compared to the other details, and you might want to rephrase them somehow.

 

Excellent stuff! Yui-chan going freeform, who'da thought...

[Yui-chan]

I want to thank all three of you for your comments. As an experimental form for me, I am very interested in your reactions to this one. I really had no idea what to expect, and it seems to me between the three of you, you've covered the range of like-dislike. What I find funny is that, since this is somewhere between metric and freeform, I have no ... no 'rule set' to apply to your feedback and judge potential corrections. I'm afraid this poem just ... is what it is. Nothing more or less than 'experimental'.

 

Thank you for reading it, though! I've learned from both the work and your feedback.

 

Yours,

~Yui

[Yui-chan]

{Transfered from the freewrites thread in order to consolidate poems.}

 

Haikai - Memory

8 July, 2004

 

Little boy of three

plays beneath the chestnut trees

amongst sharp-spined pods

 

Such liquid brown eyes

above a pure-hearted smile -

dark earth and bright snow.

 

A misplaced touch falls

trailing pain and frantic tears;

his handprints are blood.

 

*

 

Little boy of ten

in his father's overalls

and old leather boots.

 

Eager dark, deep eyes

pierce from a serious frown.

Fierce concentration!

 

A misjudged blow lands,

breaks skin as well as metal

leaving pride in rags.

 

*

 

Young man of eighteen

with the blue wind in his hair

chases rage with booze.

 

Once lively, his eyes

are ash and frozen wasteland;

bitterness scars him.

 

A moment's time lost

sends man and car through the night

to a broken end.

 

*

 

Little memory

of a beautiful, sweet child -

you are all he left.

 

_____

 

It only hurts, now,

when I think of what you've missed.

... and what you've shattered.

_____

[Wyvern]

This is a somewhat belated response, but I really liked your "Memory" poem Yui-chan. Using haiku effectively in English poetry can be a challenge, but I feel that you incorporated it very well into this piece. The stages of the man's abuse throughout life and its ultimate consequences are depicted through vivid details that draw the reader into the piece, and make for a good poem.

 

In terms of potential improvements, there was one detail that struck me as somewhat odd and insignificant: "blue wind" in the first haiku of the segment that leads to the car crash. Perhaps another, more significant one-syllabel adjective could replace "blue" in that line. Also, the lines seperating the last haiku from the other haikus confused me a bit, as I was uncertain if the narrator was still referring to the man that died or if that haiku was meant to be addressed to the the man's abuser ("what you've shattered" seemed to hint at this).

 

A very good poem, shame that it didn't get a response before!

[Yui-chan]

Wyvie,

 

Thanks for the response, especially after so long. It's not often that a piece will get anything when it's had time to linger for a while, and I appreciate you taking the time to come back and give me your thoughts. 'Blue wind' is in there to suggest nighttime (perhaps not so effectively ;;, and the last haiku is not really exactly part of the rest. It's sort of tacked on as an afterthought. It's very good of you to notice that it doesn't quite jive with the rest of the piece, because really it's just not meant to. Good eye.

 

Yours,

~Yui

[Yui-chan]

Perfectionist

2 September, 2004

 

A life defined in black and white, devoid of shades of grey,

Each choice assigned to 'wrong' or 'right' concedes no other way.

Opinions not just held, but clenched in fists of stubborn steel,

Are rooted deep, entwined, entrenched, against outsiders' zeal.

The critic's eyes see ev'ry smudge in pitiless detail,

Dissect, dissolve and duly judge, lest ignorance prevail.

A honey voice, so harsh without, yet harsher still within,

To crumble walls of strong redoubt and lash at hidden sin.

The line must be both straight and true, the word assigned with care,

Lest flaws in 'yours' show flaws in you. Perfectionist, beware:

 

A spine of glass that cannot bend will someday have to break.

A shell of pride so slow to mend will crack with each mistake.

A heart that hides in jealous thorns will bleed with ev'ry beat.

A life spent hunting unicorns will only find defeat.

[Katzaniel]

It seems ironic somehow that a poem so perfectly conceived and metered, so without fault, is written against perfectionism. Yui, your even lines, wonderful rhymes and relatable themes have struck again - the piece is beautiful. Two comments I may as well make while I'm here, though. The first is one that is unlikely to have any real solution, but I thought I'd point out anyway: The word "detail" interupts the flow for anyone who is used to pronouncing it "DEE-tail" and not "deh-TAIL". Secondly, and more important to me at least, the line: "A life spent hunting unicorns will only find defeat." It seemed irrelevant to the topic at hand, very different from the rest of the points you made.. and it seemed so very wrong. A life spent hunting a fairy tale creature is a life lived for the moment, a life that gives way to dreams over the mundane, and allows a person to live, regardless of whether they are eventually defeated. Perhaps you meant it in a sort of "sarcastic" way, to get the point across a different way? Anyway, that's my take on it... though it seems really weird to be critiquing a poem on perfection.

 

Edit: Upon another read, I discover that "unicorns" must be an analogy to perfection... right? It still seems an odd comparison, though. "Hunting unicorns" sounds to me like a motivational poster saying for things you should spend your life doing, not a warning.

Edited September 8, 2004 by Katzaniel

[Yui-chan]

Katz,

 

Thank you for reading this. I appreciate the comments.

 

It's kind of funny the way strict, metric poetry is dependent upon dialect and region. You brought up 'detail' as a perfectly valid example. Another one that hit me while I was writing 'Perfectionist' is the word 'every'. Now, it's no secret that I naturally speak a bit of a country-fied American dialect, but I never before thought about the fact that 'every' can have either two syllables or three, depending on your pronunciation. I say ev-ree, so it ruins a line I write if the reader says ev-er-ee. So it's not just about what you write, it can also be about how you write it! Fascinating, huh? It's all part of the wordplay that makes poetry fun, and I think I agree with you that there is not solution. Perhaps that's why people sometimes don't get a poem on the first read? Sometimes, maybe, it takes a few reads to realize that the author was 'pronouncing' certain words differently than you are.

 

As for the last line, you got it on the second try. I really struggled with that line, trying to find something that would fit better yet still convey my meaning in a nice, abstract way... I'm afraid I never stumbled upon a better way to say it, though I agree with you about the weaknesses of those words. Like you saw, it's easily misinterpreted and not necessarily obvious from the first. Then again, it's a perfect example of how the 'perfectionist' way of interpreting something (the author's 'correct' way) is not necessarily the only or best way.

 

Yeah, I don't like it either, but I guess it'll probably stay there until I can come up with a more clear way to say what I wanted. :/

 

So, thanks for the feedback! You always have such good insights into a piece.

 

Yours,

~Yui