reverie Posted October 9, 2002 Report Posted October 9, 2002 Hmmm, I like the rythem of the last stanza best... Starts soft and quiet, then pushes more lyrical like a song... kewl... one small insight though, i think you could, easily switch some of the more passive lines to active... i know @#$@ eng 101, but hey just a thought... good job... revery the dreamlost "you're a prince, a gentleman, and a scholar" (jd salinger) the dream continues... Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
reverie Posted October 9, 2002 Report Posted October 9, 2002 actually on second look, I'm wrong... you're phrases are fine... sorry about that...too much course work in my head corrupting my viewpoint...Anyway, i can't hear the rythem you have in your head, so it wouldn't be right to try to rewrite any of it... I've done that in the past and it just got messy... So the whole active versus passive thing... really doesn't apply here, cause on all you stuff is 'active' 'action'... 'doing' phrases... my bad and best regards, rev... Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
reverie Posted October 11, 2002 Report Posted October 11, 2002 Okay i'm game... um ryhme and rhythm... Mostly i just kinda do it when i write... I think usually lyrical... like singing/humming song to myself... somethings the words just sorta fill themselves in once the rhythm is found... the beat ya know... Beat drive it... not always though... Sure if you get a groove going flow with it... could always expand on top it later... call it a variation... but go with you orginal gut inspirationl.. even if you hate what being put on the page... fix it later... however, sometimes more of a phrase thing.... Verses or songs.../melodies run around in my head... changing beats/repeating ...meshing... so i struggle to pick clean a phrase from the mess... And on phrase begins anther... example... 'And the rain came down" ran thru my head for months till i finally wrote it all down... but to tell the truth am still not happy with it... Coupled with the phrase" we where fighten by the sound..." then "as the rain fell down on me" showed up later... with "it was such a silly tradigy...to shudder and to grow... since last you had to go" well one line sparked fragments and parts of others... and pieces of this and that... and dozens of varations on the lines and chorus... just out of improving out of my head ya know... not writing them down... just running the sound and rhytem... tying it up with ryhme... well enventually i ended up with this.... Fell (fragmented orignal) And the rain came down We were frighten by the sound. And the rain came down… -No one made a sound It so long, long ago There was nothing left to show And the rain came down So long and far away There was nothing nothing left, to say So some beat apon the ground They were frigtend by the sound As the rain fell down The child he cried to hear The child came near She never did fear But the rain came down… We were frightened by the sound As it beat apon ground Said it sounded kind of strange To be frightened by the rain As the rain came down… And the rain came down on me There was nothing left for me to see We did never want to be… Anything we couldn’t be… As the rain came down on me… ------------- Well was never happy with it... I saw way too many things to do with it... it didn't work... so after getting my hearts stomped on... I rewrote it with the new inspiration shaping it... discarding much of the old phrases... still think i'll prolly finish the variat i started in the orignal... just not today... anyway the finish version is way different. from the orginal... 11aug2002 (D.R.N theme) Fell (reworked) So long and far away I feel I see you everyday There was nothing left to show Told myself, It’s best to go As the rain fell down on me… It’s not that I can’t see Even blinded by your melody They’re just things I couldn’t change Though I swear I’m not the same… As the rain fell down on me… The smile you gave to me Returned with hope, turned silly tragedy… With what I couldn’t know Though I swear I tried to show Still the rain falls down on me… ------------------ Actuallly i think i've drifted from the point... am not really sure what my point was... or even if i had one... oh you wanted to improve you ryhme... I say think and phrase and the ryhme will come... well if you want ryhme... like, i mean one phrase begins another... doesn't have to be a couplet or any set formula... just try to complete lines with other lines... answer back in forth between lines... um... yeah... i just write too... revery the dreamlost "I'm a-gonna; he's a-gonna, she's a-gonna, them a-gonna...Your a-gonna, Y'all a gonna, We're all-a-gonna" the dream continues...
reverie Posted October 26, 2002 Report Posted October 26, 2002 no prob... ya know, i have pages like that here and there... usually happens when i'm in some type of class-room enviroment... i'll just write down fragments here and there in the margins, on the backs of notes, or on old assignments... Mostly i forget about them... Sometimes i find them and end up strip-minining them for inspiration... That's how, 'patch up aka holes,' 'stay awake,' and 'marker clown' came about... Though, I find i write best when i'm totally captivated by someone else, under an extreme amount of stress, or both... rev...
Peredhil Posted October 30, 2002 Report Posted October 30, 2002 funny, I guess I'm not alone as I'd thought, with scraps of paper around, containing a word or two, a line, and image from my mind, all going no where, but teasing hooks to the labyrinth of creativity. Of late, my labyrinth is full of dead ends. "A man's judgment is best when he can forget himself and any reputation he may have acquired and can concentrate wholly on making the right decisions." -ADM Raymond A. Spruance
Guest Xanthus0 Posted October 30, 2002 Report Posted October 30, 2002 ...and so my many year long block continues... many lines, phrases, ideas, images, no structure, no completion. I figure I'm in a phase of questioning and not of answering, so I decided a while ago to let it come.
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