Wyvern Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 From his birth his fate was determined Headaches calling, stomaches yearning For a cure to strife, an end to their pain A savior they sought to be killed in vain From his first clench he was meant to become A medical masterpiece, led by those numb An assassin as well, by fine pointed steel Or perhaps an excuse to redefine “heal” Throughout his life, he was always abused Against cosmetic apes his power he’d use Led down the wrong path, his wrath was unleashed Against shackled souls burdened by grief Crimes he committed, indeed, more than one Through various Wars, hardships overcome He helped both nazis and allies alike Killing and healing, weilding his might The more he conformed the more he was used More saviors arrived, his purpose confused The path of death opened and beckoned him in And Egnirys followed, enveloped in sin... Good and evil became one and the same Illegal drugs now injected in veins Egnirys had only wanted prosperity Foiled by grief And backwards clarity egniryS [image]http://members.shaw.ca/kea/am/wyvy.jpg[/image] ------------------------------ Almost a Dragon... "My life is one big crime, I try to scheme through it." -Common, "The 6th Sense" Owner of the Decanter of Endless Booze. Edited by: Wyvern00 at: 9/26/02 6:47:11 pm
Gwaihir Posted September 23, 2002 Report Posted September 23, 2002 Interesting! I feel that if you expanded this maybe it would be stronger. Right now the plot feels a bit squished to me. Fun to read. Edited by: gwaihir1 at: 9/26/02 4:17:23 am
Guest Lord Seth Exodus Posted September 26, 2002 Report Posted September 26, 2002 I don't know; I like it as is. Very well done, and a most fasinating character you paint, Wyvern. I think the story of his life is well laid; perhaps for more of a lesson to be learned, yes, expansion, and elusidation would help. But, as it stands I like it very much. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I just love the way you used, "backwards clarity"; that just grabs me and says "YES!" for some reason. Bravo! Yours, Lord Seth Exodus Initiate of The Pen
The Portrait of Zool Posted September 26, 2002 Report Posted September 26, 2002 It's the words. The author shows an innate feeling for the rythm of words, which he uses to good effect, often counterpoising themes and sounds simultaneously, thus harmoniously. Were he to work a little harder at it, he could even be an artist. Edited by: Zool47 at: 9/26/02 6:46:00 am
Guest Cheye69 Posted October 17, 2002 Report Posted October 17, 2002 Wyv, I have absolutely no idea of whom you are talking about but the poem itself is a masterpiece. Very well written and thought out. I know that is not the answer you want. From what I gather you want someone to be able to read that and invision the person or entity you are speaking of. Quite frankly right off the bat I thought you were speaking of God. However, I like the poem, it makes me want to read more. Delve into the story behind the pain reflected within. Just my thoughts Cheye~
Peredhil Posted October 18, 2002 Report Posted October 18, 2002 Very cleverly done! Isn't sad that most technology that can help, can be abused? Seems to be the pattern of humanity. Personification is extremely well done. Passes the 'read outloud check' too - prolly honed from your Rapping. I enjoyed this. -Peredhil
Yui-chan Posted October 18, 2002 Report Posted October 18, 2002 Cheye, Just a hint from someone who didn't get it until told... The capitalization in the last line is not a typo. It's the clue to 'who' the poem is speaking about. Does that shed some extra light? ~Yui
Guest Cheye69 Posted October 18, 2002 Report Posted October 18, 2002 Yui~ Yes, Wyv had to tell me, I begged him. Made the whole poem so much better when I read thru it the second time. Thank you for the insight though. You just gave exactly what Wyv did.
The Portrait of Zool Posted October 19, 2002 Report Posted October 19, 2002 It does have kind of a backwards genius. ;D ~Zool~ King of Nothing, Lord of Nobody, but thoroughly in charge of how I feel about that.
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