A Pen's Christmas

[Guest Lord of the Gay]

It was still a lot of nights before Christmas when all through the Pen’s keep; a lot of strange creatures are still stirring, but the occupants are fast asleep. Then enters the Dark Mysterious Figure, all cloaked in black. Silently he strides down the roof, with an oversized burlap sack. Kasmandre and Rhapsody was on guard duty that day, (curtsey to Wyvern’s crude initiation) and they are hardly awake. Then suddenly Kasmandre’s Vampiric sense sensed a strange presence, and he turned and noted a little robed man present. “I’m going to sneak behind you and club you on the head,” an ominous voice whispers behind the door. “Not on my watch you don’t!” said the vampire lord, now charging in rage. Within a short moment, however, both of them fell down to the cold stone floor. The Dark Mysterious Figure entered the keep, now lurking all about in the halls; until ‘lo and behold in the cozy room he finds a fireplace and a sort-of-a Christmas tree stood tall. Corpses speared out like branches; dying toes dangles shiny Christmas balls, Christmas lighting sparking inside hollow sockets, and other Christmas decorations sticking out in obscene body parts. With an insane glee he hops in, and quietly began his work. He unloads his heavy sack carefully, placing gifts into Christmas stockings within, with his delicate fingers slender and thin.

 

To Peredhil: An automated arm extension of inescapable huggle, the extended arm reaches to those who even refused his warm hugs. No one can escape his loving arms now!

 

To Nyyark: a Desert Eagle “Nighthawk” 0.5 Caliber AE. Be cool and bring it to school! Arm yourself from bullies and shoot your previous friends. Keep pesky males from your girlfriend. It’s a must have scholastic stationary that will definitely brings quality experience into education!

 

To Orlan: A Pimp-mobile! A sporty looking open roof sports utility vehicle with turnable leather seats, 23 inch base surround sound system, fluffy-coated interior, and a love seat in the back that can changed into a bed! Best Feature: Low gas mileage. Assembly required, sexy hot looking car model/potential date sold separately.

 

To Wyvern: A personal debt manager! A nifty palm pilot that keeps you up to date on your current debt-load, incurring interest payment, and the date of next payment due! A must-have for every fallen unsuccessful geld-hoarder!

 

To Yui-Temea & Aegon: A box set of “Foreplay: A Game for Lovers” ™. Share and explore each other’s thoughts. What is your most secret fantasy... what is your lover’s? Do you prefer making love with the lights on or off? These are the kinds of questions explored when you land on a Key Card space on the board. If you land on a Heart Card space, you carry out the instructions such as, "Give your lover a massage while telling them what you like about them." Of course, all cards are designed with mental and physical foreplay in mind. The game ends when one player reaches the final space in the sun. Of course, the fun has only just begun. Includes a do not disturb sign to hang on the door, a deck of 60 Key Cards, 60 Heart Cards, a game board, two tokens, one die, and easy-to-follow instructions. For two players. Note: This game is appropriate for adults only.

 

To Kin: A grow-it-yourself girlfriend! All you need to do is to give your growing girlfriend some water each day and watch it grow into the slave of your dreams! Accessories include memory modifier, the off-switch, the “on”-switch, mute button, and a non-dumping money back guarantee. (Make sure you don’t give it too much water or it’ll turn clingy and wrinkly.)

 

To Tzimfemme: A new lavatory kit for autopsy including a movable steel table-top (comes with lighting an leather arm straps), massive gas powered chainsaw, diamond precision laser knife, various sizes of tweeter and clamps, a body sewing kit, as well as an instruction manual for general autopsy. A suitable addition to any mad scientist’s lab!

 

To Annael: A durcell battery powered halo! The wonderful saintly crafted halo switches its color every few minutes, emitting a soft but divine light right on top of your very own head! The Durcell battery powered halo comes with 3600 hours or free exchange guarantee. Batteries include each sold separately.

 

To Valdar: One shiny, as per requested.

 

To Gwaihir: A cute, adorable, bouncy, wiggly…… Brussels sprout, fresh from Tzimfemme’s lab.

 

To Degerno Angelus: The “In a tight situation” Survival Trivia!!! A wonderful box set comes with thousand of what-to-do’s question including “If you are being swarmed by killer bees and if you value your hide, you would A) leap into the nearest body of water, if there is any; run as far as possible and hope they’ll leave you alone after a certain distant; or C) light a torch and try to ward them off.” Other interesting question includes “if you have been eaten by a shark and your lower body is already in the shark’s jaws, you would do this to prolong your life: A) poke the shark’s eyes, beat the shark’s nose, or C) jab on its gills and predatory fins”; and the most tight situation of all “What happen if your girlfriend caught you naked with another girl on your girlfriend’s bed? A) feint death, tell her she’s your mother, or C) leap out the window and run like the wind… It’s an educational amusement that’ll both enhance your knowledge of survival as well as your life-span!

 

To The Big Pointy One: A cute, fluffy, life-size Mr. Bunny doll!!! The soft and adorable Mascot of Archmage comes with an electrical Carrot wand that glows orange in the dark, a costume including magical blue robes and hat with silver carrot engraving. Hug it tight and Mr. Bunny will speak its wonderful quotes: “…” , “…”, & “…” A perfect Christmas present for hardcore archmagers and Mr. Bunny fans alike.

 

To Brute: A year supplies of Bruteweiser for Brute’s children. Brute himself gets the broken fragments of his Never-Winter-Nights Disk super-glued back together.

 

To The rest of the pen members and associates: A place in the naughty list and a lump of coal in their Christmas stockings.

 

Suddenly Melba came into the room, hearing all the noise and the rankling, and found one Dark Mysterious Figure hanging by the Corpse tree evilly giggling. What a scream she raised, throughout the pen’s keep and the rooms of the enormous mansion, and the Dark Figure had no other choice but to make his get away and sacked her. The emptied sacked enveloped the still-stunned Melba and before the pen population can come to her aid, the Dark Mysterious Figure already had her carried away. From the roof top the Dark Mysterious Figure voice ring, “Merry Christmas too you all, and to you a very good night.”

 

Epilogue:

 

Jingle Bells singing on the leather rein, and Wyvern dressed up as a likely Santa sitting on a one horse open sled. “Ho Amcstarry! Ho Crowgirl! Faster Kasmandre and Rhapsody! And Wooh there Tarmaris and nTraveller! * Whips* Neo Madeen and Souring Icarus! For we must follow the Dark Mysterious Figure’s trail, before he gets away!”

Edited April 29, 2004 by Alaeha

[Guest Mister Burrofoot]

*looks in his stocking*

 

Well , what? I lump of coal. Now that isnt very to nice..

 

*sticks lump of coal in pouch along with other knickty-knacks*

 

What a lovely christmas, and wow, the black hooded cape guy, he wasnt very sneaking, considering I followed him all the way from the roof down

 

*sighs*

 

Its sleepy time

Edited April 29, 2004 by Alaeha

[Peredhil]

Laughs out Loud

 

Hugs everyone

 

Heh, the regulars at the IRC chat channel on galaxynet (#ThePen) all were good, and the rest got coal!

 

looks thoughtful

 

Do you think freezing families admonish their children before Christmas...

 

"Go out and be naughty now! We need that coal!"

 

 

We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to.

 

W. Somerset Maugham

Edited April 29, 2004 by Alaeha

[Guest Kasmandre]

Hmm... If I got presents like this in real life, I could have a cookout with my gifts on the 26th.

 

*Kasmandre wanders out of the room, wondering where LotG got the idea that he was a vampire*

Edited April 29, 2004 by Alaeha

[Guest Carlyan the Wise]

*doubts it, Peredhil-- they just write letters in their children's hand and ask for nice, wooden toys*

 

A creative idea, and well executed.

Edited April 29, 2004 by Alaeha

[Yui-chan]

Aegon regards the rich treasure from their stocking with a bright grin and a truly wicked gleam in his eyes, while Yui-chan is left red-faced and shaking her head in embarassed amusement.

 

With a waggle of his brows, the illusionist leans over and mumbles, "Oh, he knows us so well." Yui only hides her face and blushes brighter.

 

You're evil. Thank you for the Christmas wishes, and I hope you'll except ours as belated as they are. Here's to a wonderful 2003 for everyone!

 

~Yui (& Aegon)

Edited April 29, 2004 by Alaeha