The winds of Change [A short reflection on life]

[Peredhil]

Wow. I can see the goats and feel the grass. Brings back memories.

 

The contrast with the end is even more shocking given the picture of happiness that came before.

 

I think most adults fighting the meaningless of the Rat Race can find an echo of understanding in your closing paragraph.

 

In my experience, the only meaning is in helping others grow into what they can be - not into self or society's expectations.

 

Hang in there. Good work!

 

 

We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to.

 

W. Somerset Maugham

Edited April 29, 2004 by Alaeha

[Guest Rune]

The winds of Change. A short reflection on life.

 

Standing here alone I think of my childhood. I remember being born. Not born in the traditional sense but feeling alive for the first time. That summer was spent as a true figure among the animals. I was around 15 years of age and had been given the chance to volunteer at a local horse ranch. Having never spent more than a few moments around a horse except at a local farm faire, the prospect of spending an entire summer with them was intriguing. I spent some days rounding up stray goats. Their primal calls would whistle through the wind as I chased them around playfully. The youngest ones would chase back. Their tiny blunt horns would collide with my kneecaps hard enough to force me off my feet but not injure anything in the slightest. As I toppled onto the ground they would prance around as though announcing to the world that they had just brought down the most fearsome of creatures. I would fall backwards into the grassy slope giggling at their mischief and marveling at the world around me. I could feel the touch of each individual blade of grass as it caressed my skin. The warmth of the sun on my face was unrivaled by the sheer radiance illuminating from my smile. The world had no boundaries and as vast as it was, it was not scary, but rather comforting to know that I was part of something much greater. I remember escaping the overbearing pressure of political ratings among the public education system and the dread of monetary submission for supplies needed to survive. The cares of a world driven by science had disappeared. All that mattered was my ability to grasp every waking moment from that day and use it for what it was worth. Those days felt as though time had slowed down to roll in the grass me. I was free then. Free to make the decisions that would mold my future into what I am living now. Free to determine my fate and adjust my sails accordingly. The ability to correct mistakes without retribution and write them off as challenges once lived.

 

Those times are long gone and I can no longer spend an entire day enjoying the moments in singular progression. Each waking moment is filled with the pressure of ensuring that all goes exactly as planned. Peaceful moments no longer exist. Even in the dead of night my mind is filled with doubts of the future and memories of mistakes long past. Moments of joy are often counteracted with regrets of how that moment came to be and what was sacrificed in return. The days are now a blur, undefined in their meaning and yet painfully rigid because of a schedule kept in an electronic matrix. I now have a certain paranoia of the size of the universe and the concept of being only a small piece of it frightens beyond recognition. Instead of looking at the benefits of being part of a larger collective, I fear being overpowered because I am part of such a small portion. The grass that I once enjoyed as a youth has been dug up and replaced with a concrete parking lot. The goats that were so victorious in their prime have long since been buried and forgotten. The sun no longer shines here, instead the weather appears to mimic the constant nagging feeling of self doubt that is often found in my eyes. And although I do still smile, it appears to be a hollow representation of my soul. A constant reminder of what society wishes out of a healthy human being but not a true exhibition of my inner self. And I wonder where I went wrong and why this fate has come to pass. And whether or not I will be strong enough to serve out my sentence before the judgment is finally given and my world ceases to exist.

Edited April 29, 2004 by Alaeha