Sanctuary's Song

[Yui-chan]

Friends,

 

In an uncharacteristic spurt of ambition, I've decided to try entering a work in a science fiction/fantasy art and writing publication. What I'm submitting is a spruced-up version of a story that I once posted on the UBB, a storyteller's legend that is the history of the World of Two Skies. I've been putting it together and editting it in bits and parts over the past few days.

 

I'd really appreciate any comments or suggestions about the work that will help me refine it for the competition. Particularly, I want to make sure that the new revision flows smoothly and that the 'background story' comes through clearly enough without being too intrusive on the storyteller's tale.

 

Feel free to be brutal and as precise as you like in your comments. I appreciate any help you'll all give me!

 

Sincerely,

@-/--- Yui-chan

 

PS: For those who would prefer to read it from MSWord, please go here.

Edited by: Yui Temae at: 5/20/02 8:15:20 am

[Yui-chan]

Firelight flickered in the center of the circle, sending the darkness scurrying to hide in the cracks, hollows and crevices of the stone benches arranged on the perimeter. Gently, it caressed the ancient, blackened granite and the soft, young flesh of the creatures gathered in its glow, illuminating the cornucopia of features, the shadow-dulled rainbow of colors, and the handful of rapt expressions. The light slipped fingers lightly across the details of cloth and leather - across a nicked broad sword and a quiver of fragile arrows, a point-eared doll and a lady's golden wedding band - revealing so little of the details of line and form, yet so much of the spirits of those gathered. Both human and Other, the assembly waited quietly in the safety of the circle, all eyes on a young woman sitting statue-still on the ground.

 

Slowly, very slowly, her lowered head raised, the firelight playing a teasing game with the inky-black fabric of her cloak. Red, then black, then orange, then red again – so the colors danced over her head and then over the pale skin of her face as she pushed back her cowl, letting it fall like a slain enemy to lie against her shoulders. Eyes the color of a silver-maple leaf regarded the audience for long moments, their natural warmth made all the more inviting by the influence of the fire's colors as tiny flecks of gold turned to sparks within their depths. The golden strands of her hair were similarly transformed until she became a creature of fire and shadow there in the center of their circle, an elemental as ephemeral as the fleeting night mists. They all sat, enraptured, as she drew breath to begin.

 

“What you are about to hear is a legend that was told to me when I was a child." Her voice was soft, sweet dulcet tones that caressed the ear - coaxing one to listen, rather than demanding that one hear. "Its origins have long been lost to the passage of time, though there are many who would swear to its truth. I, myself, cannot say either way, so I leave judgement up to you…

 

"At the dawn of time, when the universe was created, a mistake was made. The infinite dimensions met at a point they were never meant to, and a single, small planet was torn from her home in existence by the energies and flung into the nexus. There , on the boundary between planes, she spun alone and forgotten, caught half within a place of inky twilight, far from the nearest star, and half within the realm of a bright, warm Red Giant sun. One reality left the World with a black night sky full of twinkling lights, while the other provided her with a day sky as blue and bright as the clearest gem. Between the two writhed the beautiful and fragile boundary between realities, a slender ribbon of energy that sliced across her sky as she rotated, dividing day and night. Thus she came to be known as the World of Two Skies, and she was forgotten by the gods."

 

 

Edited by: Yui Temae at: 5/20/02 8:15:54 am

[Yui-chan]

Pausing, the young woman picked up a long stick and stirred the blaze in front of her. Her eyes were distant as they reflected the sparks that blew upwards towards the stars, and she felt the air of expectance from those around her. With a sad little smile, she lowered her gaze and continued.

 

"To be so alone is a terrible thing, to be forgotten even more so, but time flowed as it must, and a world has no voice to call out to the gods that create it and no tears to cry for its own misery. Instead, it must simply endure, existing only for itself and its creations. This was the fate of the little World, to stabilize and nurture life without the help of the gods, to live for her creations. So did this planet do what only the gods had in the past; she created life on her barren surfaces, coaxed plants to grow, animals to evolve, and land to spring up to support them all. This evolution continued until the World was teeming, verdant and lovely and pristine, perfectly balanced. … and there she stayed.

 

"Time passed, years without number, marked only by the cycle of seasons for nothing else about the breathtaking beauty of the isolated planet ever changed. Every plant that loosed its grip on life was replaced. Each carcass left to rot upon the ground was swallowed by the dirt beneath it so as not to mar the unbroken innocence of the scene. You see, the little planet was given a gift by the very energies that had ripped her from her rightful place in reality. She became sentient, intelligent, a living entity with a will of her own and great, great pride in what she had made of herself. She became both artiste and canvas, obsessed with her own vanity. Beauty was all to her, above even the sanctity of life. Thus did she come to kill those flowers whose petals bloomed in a different colour, or those animals whose fur was written with spots or stripes unique from those of their kin. These things disturbed her balance, destroyed her carefully-laid plans for her own image, and they could not be tolerated."

 

Again, the young woman paused, firelight glinting off the tears in her eyes as she drew a deep breath. Her soulful gaze danced the shadowy circle once more, meeting those of each of her listeners and drawing them deeper with their own remembered pain. Hope peered back at her from out of the old hurting, and she was torn between joy and despair.

 

"So much lost…" The crackle of the fire concealed her whisper from all but the sharpest of ears, but all could see the tear that slipped unbidden down her smooth cheek.

[Yui-chan]

Pushing aside her grief, the storyteller raised her voice once more. "The prayers of lives extinguished finally reached the gods in their home outside of existence, and they looked down on the World of Two Skies for the first time with rage. The errant child had forgotten the gift that all life was, had defied the gods by the very fact that she harbored life not of their creation. The mistake they had made in her very creation was inconsequential in their pious deliberations, and so they determined to punish the World.

 

"So did Takhisis, goddess of evil, rip a hole through space into the little planet’s reality, a passage from another world through which she sent her most devout dark priests and the horrifying demon legions they commanded. The nightmare creatures had only one order: to destroy everything in their path. Truly, they reveled in their duty. Alone and helpless, the childlike world was left to watch and weep as the demons blazed a destructive trail across her beautiful lands, slaying her creatures and burning her verdant forests and flowered plains to black ash.

 

"For a time, self-pity paralyzed the World. It pained her to be punished by the very gods who had abandoned her – pained her, and then angered her. The rage was how she found a new determination within herself. If there was no one who could protect her against the gods, then the World of Two Skies determined to protect herself.

 

"Thus, she reached deep within, pulling the swirling energies from her very core, the Soul of her power and sentience. This priceless treasure she mixed with the clay and mud, molding it into a form to mock the gods. In this way, she gave life to her own protector, a being created solely to defy the gods. He was magnificent, muscular and a full head taller than the tallest human, with golden skin and pale, green hair. One with the very Soul of the World, the land obeyed his command and the living creatures bowed to his will, allowing him to focus the World's might as she had never been able to herself. He was, more than any of her other Children, the World's flesh and blood, and he was the first of many.

 

"For hours the World worked, giving a little piece of her Soul to every one of her new Children. When she was finished, the plain was teeming with tens of thousands of the green-haired warriors, both male and female, each filled with the knowledge and determination necessary to fight the gods’ legions. They became known as the Guardian Tribe, a race of peoples with the power of a planet and mastery of every rock and tree and stream upon its surface. They were the protectors of the World, and soon they moved together to stop the destruction of their Mother."

 

With that, the fire popped, startling the assembly into gasps and muttering. The tension broken, the narrator took a few moments to breathe, trying desperately to recall her mind from the vivid imagery of the legend. It seemed that every telling of this story brought them closer, made them more realistic, and she wondered at times if they were products of her imagination or from somewhere else entirely. She often could not shake the feeling that the thoughts were not hers - were never hers - that the story had a kind of power over her. Yet she knew that was ridiculous.

 

 

Edited by: Yui Temae at: 4/12/02 8:01:38 am

[Yui-chan]

The crowd had fallen silent again before the young woman pulled herself from her reverie, and she raised her eyes to see them all watching her expectantly. Nodding, she slipped back into the legend, her voice ringing clear against the night sounds of the forest.

 

"The First Demon War lasted ten years, a time in which the Dark Queen ripped hundreds of rifts in the fabric of the Universe, each to open the way for another of her dark minions to lead his legions into the land. Thus they came from every world in the infinite planes, pulled from other battles of conquest. Each time, the Guardians fought, and each time they won, though always at the cost of precious lives. In this way the battles continued through hundreds of years and nine distinct wars, each longer and more costly. Over those centuries, the Guardian Tribe learned and grew, earning their victories with might, strategy, and magic until the last of Takhisis' higher demons was slain or imprisoned.

 

"Frustrated, the Dark Queen tired of her efforts, and the legions she sent into the World slowly dwindled until the Rifts were silent. Still, her anger would not let her leave those who dared to defy her. Her final warrior was a single spider, a tiny creature that she sent unnoticed to the FirstBorn of the Tribe. At the its bite, a curse was thrown into the life-energies that flowed in his body, one that spread to every kinsman he touched, corrupting the part of the World’s Soul that lay within. It was the worst and only poison to their kind, decaying all that they were from within.

 

"Slowly, one by one, the pure-hearted saviors fell ill and died, legions that had stood strong against demons' fires doomed by a tiny arachnid's bite. Their Mother was grief-stricken and tried everything she could to save them, but the Evil Queen was crafty and had created a disease that the tiny planet could not touch for fear of corrupting her own Soul. She had no choice but to watch helplessly as her Guardians fell until only one newborn child was left alive, saved from the disease by the safety of the womb. She swept the last of the Guardian Tribe away in secrecy to raise as a mother, leaving the dark Queen to think that her revenge was complete.

 

"Now, decades later, it is said that the World is a haven, a Mother to whom many refugees have escaped and with whom many have found sanctuary and peace." The young woman glanced at the crowd, seeing the hope shining in their eyes. "You see, each of the Rifts through which the demon legions came stands open still, a doorway to a different dimension , a different world - perhaps even to ours. 'Tis said that they call to those who need them, that the Rifts sing a siren's song for to all who seek safety. One has only to step across the threshold, and he will find a new home in her beautiful lands."

 

There was a short, silent pause, and then the young woman raised her hand, sweeping an arm out to encompass the circle of people around her. In the tradition of the storytellers of her people, she quietly intoned, "So the story was told to me, and so do I tell it to you. From our ancestors to those who will come after us, let it never be forgotten."

Edited by: Yui Temae at: 4/12/02 8:36:09 am

[Yui-chan]

The ghost of a smile whispered across her lips as the young woman rose to her feet, the firelight revealing the rips in her cloak and the old bloodstains on the once-white dress beneath. With slow, graceful motions, she made her way to the edge of the circle, resting her hand on a young boy's tussled hair. He stared up at her with an expression that would have broken her heart were it still whole, hope warring with desolation in eyes far too old for any child.

 

In the silence of the circle, his whispered query reached every ear. "Is it real, Ianye? Can we go there and be safe?"

 

As hard as she tried for a warm smile, it was sad at best as the young woman knelt down and caressed the child's cheek. "Oh, Mehz, I wish I could say for certain. We would go there in an instant, if only I knew the way." Gently, she leaned forward and kissed his forehead. "We shall both hope, alright? Perhaps we will find it if we believe enough."

 

The lad's mousey curls bobbed as he nodded, a tiny smile gracing his face for the first time in the weeks of their flight from danger.

 

Even when the circle had dissolved and the camp had fallen back into the silence of sleep, the young woman and the boy stood in the soft glow of the burning embers. Neither spoke, their eyes cast out into the night. Ianye searched the horizon behind them, her thoughts on a magnificent city and her last sight of it as it burned in the distance. Mehz searched the horizon ahead, his mind filled with images of a bounteous new World where they need not live in fear any more. Together they stayed, silently holding hands as they each dreamed their dreams.

 

High in the midnight dome of the sky, the broken moon shone down on the refugee camp, watching as a song that was little more than the whisper of the wind and the rustling of grass reached through the darkness to the waiting ears of a young woman and an even younger boy…

Edited by: Yui Temae at: 4/12/02 8:38:05 am

[Gyrfalcon]

Okay, feedback as desired, Yui-chan. *smiles*

 

Third section (or post):

 

"He was magnificent, muscular and about six-foot tall, with golden skin and pale..."

 

I don't know, it might just be a writing style difference, but since this is a legend, wouldn't the storyteller know, or at least pretend to know, more?

 

"he was near six feet tall..." or something similar. The word 'about' makes it sound like the storyteller isn't quite sure herself how tall he was.

 

"...the plain was littered with tens of thousands of the green-haired warriors..."

 

I dunno, the word 'littered' always makes me think of trash or something that is not of great value. Perhaps a good word to put in its place is 'filled' or 'covered'.

 

"...the plain was covered with tens of thousands of the green-haired warriors..."

 

or

 

"...the plain was filled with tens of thousands of the green-haired warriors..."

 

Though I note that filled makes it sound like an enclosed room, when they are out under the open air.

 

Fourth section:

 

" The First Demon War lasted ten years, and hundreds of rifts were ripped open to bring more of the demons into the land."

 

Was their another Demon War? More then one? Are they gone into? did they happen one after another, or with long stretches between them? Perhaps dropping the first from the sentence would clear up the questions.

 

"Each time, the Guardians fought them, and each time they won, though plagued by casualties."

 

No real ideas on how to replace this, but the wording almost makes it sound like the casualties were of minor consequence.

 

maybe:

 

"Each time, the Guardians fought them, and each time they won, though they suffered the loss of their friends and comrades."?

 

And finally,

 

"You see, each of the Rifts through which the demon hoards came stands open still, a doorway to a different dimension."

 

But wouldn't each rift lead to a dimension of demons? Why would not all the rifts lead to the same dimension of demons? Some sort of explanation is needed to tell why the Rifts lead all over the multiverse now, and not to one plane of existence. (Because if you've ever read Raymond E. Feist's Serpent War Saga, demons don't exactly leave anything alive on the worlds they visit, and those worlds wouldn't have life on them for a long, long time after the demons had been there.)

 

Overall:

 

Well written and excellently presented, Yui-chan. I enjoy the story and like how you blended the history of the World of Two Skies into a story being told around a fire.

 

One thing I found intriguing was these lines:

 

"She often could not shake the feeling that the thoughts were not hers - were never hers - that the story had a kind of power over her. Yet she knew that was ridiculous."

 

It always leads me to think that the World is speaking her history to the storyteller, and speaking through the storyteller to tell her history to the listeners. And if the World is speaking to the storyteller, there is the hope that they will find a way to the World of Two Skies.

 

Outside the story, this legend seems to lead off into two directions (for the purposes of writing more stories)

 

1) What ever happened to the last Guardian? That could be a whole epic quest by itself.

 

2) What will happen to the refugees? What are they fleeing from? Will they make it to the World of Two Skies?

 

And finally: did you base the Guardians off of Terra from Final Fantasy VI? I just notice that Terra has green hair, is half-Esper, these people have green hair, are Esper-ish...

Edited by: Gyrfalcon25 at: 4/10/02 12:58:48 pm

[Yui-chan]

Great! Thanks, Gyr. You're always a great person for meaningful feedback, and I completely agree with every one of your points. I'll try to make the changes later today, if I can find time.

 

The biggest thing was definitely your comment about my reference to the First Demon War. Whoops! Yes, I'll definitely add a sentence or two explaining that there were many 'offensives', sometimes separated by a few years of peace. There were nine Demon Wars in total, spanning a few hundred years, actually. (After all, gods are immortal. It takes them a long time to get tired of a war!) I'll be sure to add in something that clarifies that, but I'm going to keep it rather vague on purpose. As you pointed out, there are many stories that could branch from this, and I don't want to turn this one into the novel!

 

You have an interesting point about the demons, however I wasn't thinking of it in that sense. I'm rather a newbie when it comes to 'established' fantasy books, so I make things up as I go. In Terra and in many other planes, Tahkisis has minions, worshippers of many different races and skills. (Thinas the Darkelf, for example, is a follower of Tahkisis. Similarly, someone else we know is working a story about another one.) My thought wasn't that she used the Rifts to bring demons from some demon plane, but that her minions in the other planes created/commanded units of the creatures that she then brought through the Rifts. It's sort of along the same way that a Nether mage can summon up a thousand horned demons and then send them into battle. That's why the Rifts lead to other worlds instead of ravished demon worlds. They came through as 'units' with a commander instead of as just masses of demons.

 

That said, there are some Rifts that link to terribly scarred realities (for example, where the demon troops of Tahkisis had nearly finished destroying the place). The real purpose of the idea of the 'Rifts' was so that players could feel free to bring in any kind of character they wanted instead of being limited to the typical fantasy races. Since there are infinite realities from which they could come, there are no limits on what they could be or do.

 

Whew. Long explanation, sorry. I understand your concern, however I don't think that this story is the place to clarify it. Unless you have some specific suggestions of something (very short) that I could add to explain all this? To me, it's not crucial to this short story that one understand the precise nature of the forces that were ravishing the World, but instead that they just get a sense of how devastating they were being. Does that make sense?

 

Oh, by the way... You read my mind. As I was writing all this, I was going through all the different spin-off stories that could follow from it. I think I probably will try to write the story of the refugees a bit further when I get time. I won't leave you hanging. Keep your eye on twoskies.net, and you might see it.

 

You do already know the answer to one of your questions, though. Well, if you've been looking much around the existing stories in Twoskies, you do, anyway. The last Guardian is a character there, but I think that I'll just let you figure out the rest.

 

As for this Final Fantasy character...? Sorry, but I had never heard of her before. Aegon was reading your comments with me last night, so he told me a little bit about her, but I can honestly say that I didn't know a thing about it when I came up with the idea of the Guardian Tribe. I do see your point, however. They are a little similar. Isn't it a small world?

 

Thanks so much for your help, Gyr. I really appreciate it! I am in your debt.

[Gwaihir]

I can't give long comments, but...

 

Btw, this is really neat

 

I think maybe the bit about World of Two Skies being thrown out into space could be filled out a little bit. I was confused by the sentence about it having two stars, one giving day the other night. How does a star give night?

 

Fun to read.

----------

I want to be page 93 of Pineapples, the Avian Crows-Nyyark

[Guest Belizean1]

I am reading and as I read just pasting the errors I see or the simple typos I catch. I noticed that Gyr has already posted what he has seen so maybe I'll be repeating things he already said, I will edit my post after I have read the whole thread though so you don't have to read what you already know.

 

First Post:

"so the colors danced over her head and then over the pale skin of her face as pushed back her cowl, letting it fall like a slain enemy to lie against her shoulders"

 

If I am not mistaken, you are missing the word "she" between the words 'as' and 'pushed'.

 

I have to admit the last paragraph is a little..... complex. Perhaps it is just me, but could you perhaps go into a little more detail and shorten the sentences? Sometimes what makes perfect sense to the author is difficult to understand to the reader.

 

Second Post:

Wow, well done Yui, this is an excellent read so far! I found no mistakes in this post.

 

Third Post:

Flawless hehe

 

Fourth Post:

"Now, decades later, it is said that the World is a haven, a Mother to whom many refugees have escaped and with whom many have found sanctuary and peace."

 

How did refugee's get there? I don't quite understand..... didn't all the demons come from one place? So therefore wouldn't the rifts lead back to the demons "stronghold" so to speak..?

 

Last Post:

"Mehz searched the horizon ahead, his mind filled with images of a bounteous new World where they would not need to fear any more"

 

I am guessing your goal is to keep this story rather ambiguous and open ended(which you succeeded in doing btw!). I am kind of undecided about whether this comment is a reflection of our different writing styles or if it really is a grammatical comment...... I'll just say it anyways and let you decide. After the word "fear" I would say to add an actualy noun of exactly "what" is being feared. But since you are keeping it mysterious perhaps you should change the format to something like 'not need to be in fear'. Or perhaps 'they would not need to fear anything any more'. Again, I can't figure out if this is just something I personally would write or if it is the actual proper way to write it. Your's just looks... incomplete to me. *shrug*

 

I still think its a great story though! Well done! I am very impressed and would like to see a continuance if possible.

[Guest Zephryin]

How about, "...where they need not live in fear."

[Gyrfalcon]

Last Guardian: Ah... that might explain it. (You see, I drifted away from the World of Two Skies for a long time (I hate Delphi), and thus I was unaware about that point.) *reads the character bio* Ooo... okay. You know, it'd be interesting to have Gyr meet her. *watches 6-year old girl charm a dangerous animal thats rather unimpressed with rangers and their bond with nature* Gyr: How'd you do that? M'shaire: *giggle* Its easy! Gyr: *blinks* Maybe for you, little one, maybe for you...

 

Demon units: Ah, that clears it up for me. *peruses the story*

 

Perhaps here?

 

" So did Takhisis, goddess of evil, rip a hole through space into the little planet’s reality, sending through it a hoard of her most destructive demons. The nightmare creatures had only one order: to destroy everything in their path. Truly, they reveled in their duty. Alone and helpless, the childlike world was left to watch and weep as the demons blazed a destructive trail across her beautiful lands, slaying her creatures and burning her verdant forests and flowered plains to black ash."

 

"So did Takhisis, goddess of evil, rip a hole through space into the little planet's reality, a passage from a small, unimportant world that was a bastion of her worship. From that world she sent through the Rift a legion of her most destructive demons, raised and commanded by her most ardent priests."

 

That explains why the demons didn't rip apart most of the worlds they came from, organizes them into units, and gives Takharsis some control over the demons. (who are chaotic and thus extremely difficult to control if they are left to their own devices (and this is even for a goddess))

 

Understanding: Yah, its no problem- my concerns really only affected how the heck Gyr would have gotten there if demons had been ravaging Terra on their way to the World of Two Skies.

 

Spinoff stories: Yay! I'll keep watch for the story of the refugees. =)

 

FF 6: You should play it- it is the *best* RPGs ever released for the Super Nintendo (and if you can deal with the long load times, you can get it for a Playstation (or Playstation 2) under the title of Final Fantasy Anthology)

 

Granted, playtime is limited by work. Still, if you should find yourself with a few spare hours and whatnot, you might want to give it a try.

 

Espers/Guardians: Yes, it indeed turns out to be a small world. (Though the espers rarely *had* hair, and usually not green. (for example, you had a dragon (Bahamut), a war machine (Alexander), a cat (Stray), and a rock-guy (Maduin) Only the cat has fur, and that was black. *grin*) Thus, Terra was somewhat unique in her hair-color.

 

And 'tis no debt at all, Yui-chan, you are more then welcome. *smiles*

Edited by: Gyrfalcon25 at: 4/11/02 12:17:03 pm

[Guest Lord of the Gay]

Hmm the story is really really nice so far. Planet as a unique whole being is definately interesting, kinda like the Ancient Myth of Gaia... with Titans being born from her womb.

 

and I never knew you are a Dragonlance fan!!!! Woohoo We can talk about Dragonlance all day !

 

anyways I see how this story is going to be about the Last Guardian is destine to do something or another =) you really have me going there =)

 

P.S I know how this thread is limited to the story, but i can't help to ask how is your wedding with Aegon going? =) Did you have a nice honeymoon?

[Yui-chan]

*laughs* You would ask about the honeymoon, Lord.

 

The marriage hasn't happened, quite yet, so you don't get any juicey details. (Not that you would anyway. ) We've got a couple more weeks to wait because of some paperwork, and then we'll get the legal marriage taken care of. The formal one (the big church wedding) won't be for a long while. Don't worry, though. We'll let you know.

 

Now, I'd better talk 'business' before it slips out of my collander-like brain.

 

Okay, I made all kinds of suggested changes (and some of my own that I noticed) to the story I posted. You guys brought up some magnificent points, and I'm grateful for the added perspectives! The Word document shows not only the changes but the original text in strikethrough formatting if you're interested. Of course, if you don't like the changes or notice anything else, feel free to let me know! I won't submit the story until the end of next week.

 

Sincerely,

~Yui

[Guest Belizean1]

Yes yes! Well done!

[Gyrfalcon]

Read your revision- looks excellent, Yui-chan. *smiles*

[Yui-chan]

Thank you, everyone, for your help!

 

For anyone who is still planning on putting their two cents' worth in, I'm going to submit this tomorrow, so time is running out.

 

Sincerely,

~Yui