Lady Celes Crusader Posted May 7, 2002 Report Posted May 7, 2002 Here's several quotes that I've found. "When humor is meant to be taken seriously, it's no joke." -- Lionel Strachey (1864-1927) "My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on. "We're not lost. We're locationally challenged." -- John M. Ford "Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift' ... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'" -- Alexi Sayle "The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough." -- Bill Maher "Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- In a Japanese Hotel "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner "Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs." -- Alfred Hitchcock, in Observer 19 Dec. 1965 1. Patients must be dead before the organs are taken. 2. Although patients may be allowed to die under certain circumstances, they must never actively be killed. 3. Patient or family consent must precede organ retrieval. -- University of Pittsburgh's Center for Medical Ethics' Guide to Organ Procurement "This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are." -- Art Buchwald, speech, 1987 "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- Dan Quayle, former Vice President of the United State of America "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago." -- Dan Quayle, former Vice President of the United State of America "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -- George Bush, former President of the United States of America "Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields "Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps." -- Emo Phillips "I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head." -- Yogi Berra "You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." -- Yogi Berra "I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller." -- Steven Wright "So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it." Jerry Seinfeld, in "The Smelly Car" "As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian.'" -- Dick Wilson
Guest DoctorEvil65 Posted May 7, 2002 Report Posted May 7, 2002 "All we have to do is adapting the situation.....oh....and figure out what the situation is" "I am cursed by the Gods!........or perhaps merely hungry" "I trust my sword and my mother......and I haven't heard from her lately" "It takes a squad of men to raise a barn....but only one to burn it" "You wouldn't lie to a person who hits very, very hard would you?"
Guest DoctorEvil65 Posted May 7, 2002 Report Posted May 7, 2002 "Just because they really are out to get you doesn't mean you aren't paranoid. If they've been after you long enough, paranoia can become a reflex. Interesting things, reflexes:if you pay attention to them, you'll stand to learn some interesting things about yourself. This is one reason I avoid paying attention to my reflexes".....Vlad Taltos
Guest ArawnD Posted May 8, 2002 Report Posted May 8, 2002 If you will not die for something, you have nothing to live for. Try your best, then try more. If man was meant to fly he'd be given wings, the say goes for jumping out of planes. The internet is a place that allows people no matter how sick or perverse to come together. Type in 'people that like to have sex with goats that are fire' in a search and you'll reply "Specify type of goat" Never agree to one hour behind the tool shed with the devil "anything goes" "Because I can." "10 seconds..." (This was 10 seconds before he killed him) These I got from Mr. Zool, chances are that he got them from somewhere else as well. 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 16. Don't squat with your spurs on. 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 24. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. The Mad King
reverie Posted May 8, 2002 Report Posted May 8, 2002 "the road to hell is paved with stuffed dogs" e. hemmingway -the sun also raises... ''Mass hypnosis. In a very orthodox form known as education" R. Pirsig (zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintance) on why people believe in gravity. "isaac newton is a very good ghost. One of the best. your common sense is nothing more than the voices of thousands and thousands of ghosts from the past. Ghost and more ghosts. Ghost trying to find their place among the living..." R. pirsig... same book same subject... revery the dreamlost "when in doubt, empty the magazine"(army proverb) the dream continues...
Ozymandias Posted May 13, 2002 Report Posted May 13, 2002 "I don't flirt with Death. She just runs up and sticks her tounge in my ear." -Button slogan "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." -Button slogan "Never open the door to strange monkeys peddling fire." -I Am Weasel
The Portrait of Zool Posted May 13, 2002 Report Posted May 13, 2002 A loud knock sounds on the door of Ozymandias' keep. Peering down from the tower the watchman sees a monkey in a business suit holding a suitcase with an asbestos mitten. As he starts down the stairs, you see his name tag says "I'M not W.". ~Zool~ Ancient, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword. Bard of Terra, Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards. Elder than dirt, more foolish than a jester, able to trip over the smallest logic in a single step. It's... Oh, you know.
Ozymandias Posted May 13, 2002 Report Posted May 13, 2002 Fortunately, the king of kings tackles him around the ankles just before he reaches the doorknob. "NO! Bad gatekeeper!!" Momma had a chicken, Momma had a cow. Dad was proud and he didn't care how!
The Portrait of Zool Posted May 13, 2002 Report Posted May 13, 2002 Hehehe. ~Zool~ Ancient, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword. Bard of Terra, Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards. Elder than dirt, more foolish than a jester, able to trip over the smallest logic in a single step. It's... Oh, you know.
The Big Pointy One Posted May 17, 2002 Report Posted May 17, 2002 I should find my Diablo 1 book, 'cause that has lots of good quotes, such as: "It is easier to stab someone in the back than it is to look them in the eyes. Society is based upon this principle, and it is universal among those who rule." Not quite so good, I've tried making a few quotables, although I'm the only one who tends to quote them "If it tastes good, eat it!" -my philosphy on life "If you haven't tasted it yet, well, it might be poison, so don't eat it." -a common defense for me being picky ^.^ "If you can fight a battle and live to tell about it, you did pretty damn good." -Rocoss, in a yet-to-be completed story... (of course, I believe the counter to that one goes something like: "I'd rather die as a hero than live as a coward." or is it the other way around...) "I could be wrong, but I'm probably right." -me, constantly Hmm... that seems to be all I can remember for now, but... Originally posted by Tralla: Come on, be reasonable... you can't destroy EVERYTHING... where would you sit? The Tick Rox0rs!
Lady Celes Crusader Posted December 20, 2002 Report Posted December 20, 2002 I've decided to dig out this jewel of a topic and adding more quotes: "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." - Paul Erdos "If you are going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill "A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument." - Anon. "Maybe this world is another planet's Hell." - Aldous Huxley "I've had a wonderful time ... but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx "If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?" - Steven Wright "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears this is true." - James Branch Cabell "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce "The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once." - Anon. "A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire "Stop that infernal tapping you bloated sac of protoplasm!!!" - Ren Hoek "What is painful to one generation is insight for the next." - Eli N. Evans "Growing old is not for sissies!" - Jack Palance "I assure you, children, Valentine's Day is no laughing matter." - Seymour Skinner "The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes." - Anon. "One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5lbs." - Anon. "Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke." - Anon.
Guest Tamaranis Posted December 20, 2002 Report Posted December 20, 2002 "The problem with studying Canadian doctrines is that Canadians do not feel any obligation to follow their doctrines or even read their manuals" - A Russian document.
Lady Celes Crusader Posted December 20, 2002 Report Posted December 20, 2002 Tamaranis; HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one.
Gyrfalcon Posted December 20, 2002 Report Posted December 20, 2002 Here's a few from my Quotes file- they're attributed as accurately as possible. give someone a shiny, they're happy for minutes....teach someone how to BE a shiny and they're happy for a lifetime or at least until they tarnish *** Topic is 'Q glances around nervously...like a peer in headlights...and all of a sudden *BANG* ... Q was the next victim of the peer's reset.' "I heard the Pen is Mightier then the Sword/So everyone grab a ballpoint and start a war!" -Crescent Moon, "Shore" "Everyone dies - not everyone lives" "As long as you're alive - there's hope" "Don't swear your soul to any man or god, unless your soul, heart, and mind do it first" -Provided by Raimour. Pet purple fuzzy things: good idea or a disaster waiting to happen? The great shiney shortage of 86. Do were-horses make good steeds? What to do about the endangered Ghinas Indian Rubber Chickens of the east coast. -Canid's AoA Tonight topics
Guest Kasmandre Posted December 21, 2002 Report Posted December 21, 2002 Wow. I'm gonna have to read through these when I'm more awake. As for me, a few of my favorite quotes are in my sig: -------------- Kasmandre, Initiate of the Pen "Time slowed, reality bent. On and on the Eggman went." -Dreamcatcher. by Stephen King "So long, and thanks for all the fish." -Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. by Douglas Adams "Let's Roll." -Flight 93
Guest Rezure Posted December 21, 2002 Report Posted December 21, 2002 As Winston Churchill, who supplies a lot of these quotes, I notice, once said "Yes, I am drunk. But you are ugly, and tomorrow I will be sober" Impostor "On the last day of your life, don't forget to die"
Wyvern Posted December 21, 2002 Report Posted December 21, 2002 Quote:"I heard the Pen is Mightier then the Sword/So everyone grab a ballpoint and start a war!" -Crescent Moon, "Shore" Ooooo... I'm glad you remembered that quote and put it here, Gyr! I actually misquoted it when I originally put it up on IRC, so the real quote is: "I heard that the Pen is Mightier then the Sword.../ So everybody grab a ballpoint and win a war!" -Crescent Moon, "Shore" Fits in with the Mighty Pen even better than the misquoted version, methinks... ------------------------------ Almost a Dragon... "If it doesn't make dollars then it doesn't make sense" - Triple Seis, "Glamour Life" Owner of the Decanter of Endless Booze.
Guest Tamaranis Posted December 21, 2002 Report Posted December 21, 2002 "Wait, you plush fools! 'In his house a R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.' Do not disturb Him, or you will doom us all!" -Professor Blue Smush DinoBaby.
Vlad Posted December 22, 2002 Report Posted December 22, 2002 Don't remember where I found some these... Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. BE EVIL! It's only funny 'till someone gets hurt... Then it's hillarious! If the blind lead the blind, they'll fall into a ditch. - J. Christ (yes, I'm sure, read the bible) Do or do not. There is no try. - Yoda Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and you will be surprised by their ingenuity. - General George Patton Jr. It pays to be obvious. Especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. - Isaac Asimov ===Vlad the rage-aholic=== I can't live without rage-ahol! "Me is smart. Dur." -Stick
Guest Katzaniel Posted December 23, 2002 Report Posted December 23, 2002 Originally posted by Canid: (in some thread or another) Quote:Curiosity killed the cat.... well, technically I did, but the point is that the cats' curiosity got me a free meal. * Katz
Guest Tyrion The Great Posted December 26, 2002 Report Posted December 26, 2002 This is a college application that I once read in class, it's very funny. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello... I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail... Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration... My deft floral arrangement have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bull-fights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri-Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet been to college.
Guest lumpenproletariat Posted December 28, 2002 Report Posted December 28, 2002 I still haven't been to college either Well I try my best To be just like I am But everybody wants you To be just like them They sing while they slave and just get bored I ain't gonna work on, nah I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more
Falcon2001 Posted December 28, 2002 Report Posted December 28, 2002 Heh, I love quotes. Here's a few of my favorites Somedays talk shows like to ask 'where did all the real men go?' and I want to scream 'YOU MADE THEM INTO WOMEN!' - Wild at Heart, by John Elderege "For the Lord is a warrior, and the Lord is his name." - (Exodus 15:3) Safe? Who said anything about safe? Of course he isn't safe. But he's good. - C. S. Lewis, about God. Wild, Dangerous, Unfettered, and Free - Walter Bruggerman, about God. There is something wild and free in the heart of every man - Wild at Heart, John Elderege. "I am he," said Jesus. And when Jesus said "I am he" They drew back and fell upon the ground. - (John 18:4-8 ) "And when Christ comes again, he is mounted at the head of a Dreadful company, mounted on a white horse, with a double-edge sword, and his robes dipped in blood." - (Revelations 17) Two roads diverged in a wood and I I took the road less traveled by And that has made all the difference - (I can't remember who wrote that one) Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards For they are subtle and quick to anger - J.R.R. Tolkien Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons For you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup -Various D&D lore Do not meddle in the affairs of Admins For they are crafty and quick to hack -Various internet lore Do not meddle in the affairs of Cioden For you are squishy and conduct Flare2 well. -Falcon "Deploy the rocket boat!" -Black Mage, 8-bit theatre "Oh but aren't there, Red mage? I think that you'll agree with me once I show you the overwhelming evidence. BOATDOKEN!" -Black Mage - 8-bit Theatre "Why, it would take some sort of insane megalomaniacal fiend to take pleasure in wielding the tapestry of creation to focus pure energy into reality through nothing more than my own will. The rush of electricity through my being, the power - my god, the power! IT'S THE ONLY TIME I FEEL ALIIIIIIIIIVE!" - Black Mage, 8-bit Theatre "Blarg. I am dead." -Fighter, 8-bit Theatre "Hey, if you want to make an omlette, you gotta...destroy a few forests, or something." -Black Mage, 8-bit Theatre "Let. Go. Now." -Gyrfalcon, to Falcon, who was at the time attached to his arm by biting. "And together we make...err...me!" -Gyrfalcon, after the traditional greeting of 'heya Gyr' and 'heya Falcon' "Good God, someone shoot me before I shoot him!" -Cioden, upon realizing that he had to room with Falcon "That can be arranged." William Azunost - RadicalDreamers: The Comic - Episode 2 Cioden Darkeye<BR> Quill-Bearer - The Pen is Mightier than the Sword<BR> Owner of the Reply Raven - Enemy to all those who never post responses<BR> "Oh my God, <b>I'm LEAKING POETRY!</b>"
Guest Rhapsody Posted December 28, 2002 Report Posted December 28, 2002 Originally posted by Falcon2001: Two roads diverged in a wood and I I took the road less traveled by And that has made all the difference - (I can't remember who wrote that one) Robert Frost. The English teachers pound that one into our heads for about 6 years. We see the poem every single year.
Guest Lord of the Gay Posted December 30, 2002 Report Posted December 30, 2002 Proud Leader and Solo member of "The Pen|s is Mightier then the Sword." "Sizzle..." - Mr.Bunny "It's just a Man's Fantasy." -Deg "With great Geekness comes great responsibility." - PvP comics "Time is Money, Money is evil. Therefore Procrastination is a virtue." "evil spelled backwards is live" "If you have to beat someone, beat him hard enough so he'll never get to revenge." "If you have to choose between two evils, choose the one you never experience before." "Living a life in the light can be blinding, So welcome to the Darkness, are you ready to see?" A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain! Walking on water is highly over-rated. Sh|t floats too. If you find yourself and a friend being chased by a king lion, you have one chance:Trip your friend -Some wisdom "War does not determine who is right - only who is left." -Bertrand Russell "The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy "A coward was originally a boy who took care of cows." "if you steal from one author, It's call plagrism; if you steal from many, it's research."-Wilson According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg. "about 6% of murderd american men are killed by either their wife or girlfriend... or wife who caught them with their girlfriend." "Not only is life a b|tch. It has puppies." Adrianne Guswolf. The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs and ham breakfast. The Chicken was involved, the pig was commited. "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot proof programs and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning. " - Rick Cook "there are two types of people in the world, good and bad. The good sleeps better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more." - Woody Allen. "I think animal testing is a bad idea. They get all nervious and give the wrong answers." "If the punishment fits the crime, would a reformed vampire have to become a blood donor?" "Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." - Dark helmet in Spaceballs. "it has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats." " A T.V insults your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer." "Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos?" "The book store is one of the only pieces of evidence we have the people are still thinking" Jerry Seinfield. "The sea was angry that day my friend, like an old man trying to send back soup at deli." - George Constanza "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstain all over it. Maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." - Jerry Seinfield. "they don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket, The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!" - Cosmo Kramer. Mat Cauthon, all the time: "Blood and Bloody ashes" "dovie'andi se toya sagain" - Meaning Time to roll the dice. "That could be a blessing or a curse, depending on how you look at it." -Mat on having two wives. "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." - Homer Simpson. Homer: Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything. Lisa: Even you? Homer: Especially me. From Loc Haman, "Women do not become exhausted," Haman said, "they only exhaust others." Okay, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. Let's just take this exam so I can get back to killing you with beer. ... Homer Simpson Millicent: Our ponies start at five thousand dollars. Cash. Homer: Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home? "Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, then sold off piece by piece." _ Lisa Simpsons "Human body! Lestat, you can't become human by simply taking over a human body! You weren't human when you were alive! You were a born monster, and you know it. How the hell can you delude yourself like this." - Louis, On Lestat. 'Tales of the Body Thief' "Lestat! You are the damnest creature." Marius, Queen of the Damned Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. -Rincewind. Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. Of course, I could be wrong. Rincewind Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon – he'd run them all. Later, when he learned with some surprise what the word actually meant, he'd been equally certain he wasn't one. He was a person who divided the world quite simply into people who were trying to kill him and people who weren't. That didn't leave much room for fine details like what colour anyone was. {The Last Continent, 1998} "Last one into the water's a man standing all by himself on the beach!" The Chair of Indefinite Studies, Unseen University, Ankh-Morpork, Discworld, from the book The Last Continent, Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind. Rincewind, Rincewind the Wizard "'I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet!' he hissed. 'I'm afraid of grounds.' 'You mean heights,' said Conina. 'And stop being silly.' 'I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!' -- Sourcery "Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living." Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages. The truth is that even big collections of ordinary books distort space, as can readily be proved by anyone who has been around a really old-fashioned secondhand bookshop, one of those that look as though they were designed by M. Escher on a bad day and has more staircases than stories and those rows of shelves which end in little doors that are surely too small for a full-sized human to enter. The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness. Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad. --Rincewind, "Interesting Times Just because it's not nice doesn't mean it's not miraculous.--Terry Pratchett Angua: Don't worry, we won't need weapons. Cheery: Oh, good. Angua: They wouldn't be any use. Cheery: Oh. --From "Feet of Clay Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.--Sourcery The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo.--Wyrd Sisters "When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. " Confuscious Say: Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Confucious says: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Confuscious say: Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired.". ... Confuscious say: Man who drops watch in toliet is having a crappy time" "The gesture of rejection which always met me did not mean "I don't love you," but rather; "you can't love me much as you like it; you are unhappily in love with your love for me, yet your love for me isn't in love with you.' therefore it is not right to say i've known the words 'I love you'; all i've known is the expectant silence that should have been broken by my saying "I love you." - Frankz Kafka, on Milenna Jesensica. "I will do this. Nothing in my life matters except this. No moment in my life exist except this moment. I am born in this moment, and if i fail, I will die in this moment." - Raistlin Majere "Yes, even If I'm twisted and warped I'm Smarter then you - All of you! Someday, You with all your strength and Charm and good looks, you - all of you will bow down before me and call me MASTER" --- Raistlin Majere. "... I can, We've all been laughed at one time in our lives; we've all been jealous of a sibling; we have felt pain and suffered, just as he suffered; and we've all longed - just once - for the power to crush our enemies! We pity him, we hate him, we fear him, all because there is a little of him in each of us, though we admit it to ourselves only in the darkest hour of the night." -Justanius, in regard to Raistlin Majere. "Magic is giving. You cannot expect to have but not to give. Magic does not come from words nor gestures within yourselves. Magic flows through your brain to your spine and to your arms and hands. Empty words do nothing but move the lips." -Par-Salin, Magic Aprendix. "In ancient times, sorceresses sought to learn the one true spell that would give them power over the world and understand all the magic. The one True Spell was a women, and her name was Mystra - and her kisses were wonderful." "Sharp Shooter are Loners by Nature. We hone our instincts, pouring our beings into a single bullet... the power of the moment, the release of each bullet means life and death. No, You do not understand, SO Just Let Me Be!" Ivannan Kinnes It wasn't a dark and stormy night. It should have been, but there's the weather for you. For every mad scientist who's had a convenient thunderstorm just on the night his Great Work is complete and lying on the slab, there have been dozens who've sat around aimlessly under the peaceful stars while Igor clocks up the overtime. Good Omens "Love must've been blind. Cause I certainly didn't see this one coming." "Afraid of the dark? Well you should be. Cause the only evil thing there is me!" -Dark Snider "Fate is like a caged gorilla. It will pelt you with dung if you mock it." -Warriv. I'm not prejudice. I hate everyone equally. "You can hate me cuz I am different,but you really hate me cuz I am not like you." Beauty is only skin deep, but ugliness goes right thru the bone. "You can't tell me what to do! You are not the Voices!" "I'm not Smiling, I'm Frowning Up-Side Down =)" "Don't you worry, Totodile, I'm gonna teach you how to be successful in love, just like me!" - Brock "I wasn't calling for you. I said psychic, not psychotic!" - Jessie to Wobbuffet "Snap, Crackle, Pop"<--the last words you hear before being eaten alive by your cereal Dhremus: I'm afraid you've mistaken me for some one else, I'm Boob, this is my good friend Moron, and behind me you'll find Brainless and Dimwit. When you are lost in the world of Archmage-all confusing things make sense - Deliah "I hail from the magical land of frolicking naked nymphs, where your every desire is granted by bald, blubbering bugbears." Glimni Gnollslayer: There will be a house-boat full of gibberling on every lake in the realms before I let you back in the party! Xzar: Oh! How you would tempt me so! I will pine away the days on this very spot lamenting your distinct lack of humanity! And picking daisy's, WHEEEE!" "We interrupt this program to annoy you, and make things generally irritating." "Look Boo! Squirrells! Quick, throw nuts!" -Minsc Corianth: I see you still have that... rodent. Dare I ask how he slipped past our captors? Minsc: Boo is fast and agile, and there is ever so much of Minsc to search! Imoen: Ewwww... I really don't wanna think about that too much. Jan: I've heard this tune before. It's right up there on the oldies-but-goodies list with "Fail and I kill you". Or, maybe in this case, it's that variant sung by the famous ogre bard Chumba-Kahn, "Fail and I eat you". Of course, we could always just leave... Boy: Gee, mister... your robe is so colourful... Can I be like you when I grow up? Pleeeaaaasseee? Edwin: A commendable statement child, but... no, NO! Back, back! (Somebody get this... thing... off of me! It's...hugging...me...) Peasant: Aye, now, is that a rat yer carryin' there fella? He looks nice and plump. How's about two coppers for 'im? Minsc: No! Boo is NOT for eating! Boo is mighty and wise and probably quite stringy. Er, and he is my companion! Minsc: Boo says such a sphere would not fit in my pocket. If I can't carry it with me, it's just not a good buy. Man: Oh, the little fella says all that does he? What else does he say? Minsc: Occasionally he mutters about fellow hamsters that will kill you all, but he is just moody. See how he glares? We should leave him be. Lilarcor: So, are we gonna kill something now? Minsc: May I have your advise, o sentient sword? Lilarcor: Advise eh? Well besides working on your swordsmanship, y'know besides that, I'd have to think. *The sword is silent for several minutes* Umm, uh, f-find the wizard guy. Yeah sure! Find 'im, and kill 'im!Kill kill kill kill kill! Woo-hooo! "Someone must have done something very bad to make a rock that angry." -Rebel scout "The Kjeldorans keep the Orcs at bay, and we train their healers. Most human bargains aren't as fair." -Laina of the Elvish Council The Elves train our healers and we keep the Orcs at bay. Most Elvish bargains aren't as fair." -General jarkeld, the Arctic Fox "A ruler wears a crown while the rest of us wear hats, but which would you rather have when its raining?" - Barrin, Principia "I'm sure it comes with the place. I don't think you build one on purpose" - Gerred (Flavored text from "Bottomless Pit") There is time when destiny calls forth a people and demand an action. Now is the Time, We are the People. This is our action. Charge!" "Knowledge is no more expensive then ignorance, and at least as satisfying" - Barrin, Master Wizard. "The ingrediant for panic includes equal parts danger, uncertainty, and helplessness." "'Davvol, Blast those elves. Davvol, transport those troops.' No one Cares that today is my birthday." "And the Ignorant shall fall to the squirrels!" Chip 2:54 "Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery*. My mother was a fifteen-year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy... the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess in the insane lament. My childhood was typical... summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds... pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it." 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like -- night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet "Love is Self-Torment with a Twist in the end." John Milton got married and wrote "Paradise Lost", Then his Wife died and he wrote "Paradise Refound." You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. All great discoveries are made by mistake. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. The first myth of management is that it exists. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. New systems generate new problems. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. ~ Demonic Version of The Ten Commandments ~ 1. I am the Lord thy God Thou shalt have no other Gods before me... and while you are at it.. bring me a beer 2. Thou shalt not make undo thee any Graven Images.. so burn your money! 3. Thou shalt Not taken the Name of the Lord thy God in vain... until someone kick you in the nuts. 4. Remember the sabbath Day, to keep it holy by going to a pub and get drunk. 5. Honour thy father and thy mother by sending them to nursing homes so you won't have to bother with them. 6. Thou shall not kill... murderers or any criminals 7. Thou shalt not commit Adultery.. unless in the mood. 8. Thou shall not steal...not really, just don't get caught. 9. Thou shalt not bare false witness... unless you get pay a grand sum of money. 10. THou shalt not covet anything that is thy neighbours... just borrow them and forgot to return them instead. These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins. 1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. 2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy." 17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity. 18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. 19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. 20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. 21. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Top 10 reasons MARI is losing money: 1) They trusted Wyvern as an insurance agent. 2) They continously have to reconstruct their building after having vigorous in door Nimball tournaments. 3) Bead has to buy a constant supply of strange ties... 4) The UBBs are actualy upheld by the yakuza, and MARI has to pay 'protection money'. 5) At the last Archmage gathering in Vegas, Bead and Nahual were violently mugged by the Archmage masses after suggesting to make multi-maging legal to increase funds. The hospital bills were enormous. 6) They have to buy straight jackets for all the UBB moderaters, especialy Iuz... 7) Their project "Archmage the Movie: the Life and Times of MARI inc." was the biggest flop film ever. All of the staff got addicted to the unreleased Stabat Mater project and ended up not working. 9) Birdman refused to come back unless they got him a deluxe birdhouse and gourmet birdseed. 10) AT&T decided to steal Orlan's rejected project and start Archchocolate on their own server. Players started switching to that... A god-awful ugly, grotesquely obese, sweaty naked lady. Who is sitting on a vinyl couch, hitting you over the head with the under cooked leg and thigh portions of a 48 1/2 pound turkey. All the while screaming at the top of her lungs, "THE TUNA! THE TUNA! I WANT THE TUNA!" and that, my dear TimeRipper, is life. ~Snypiuer "One Day, I'll have a signature longer and more varied then the infamous 'Lord of the Gay', and the get deleted by a jeolous moderator." - Psycholis Don't argue with an idiot; they will bring you down to their level then beat you with experience| In honour of Shivv (August 29, 1986-August 29, 2076) "How are you Gentelmage, all your Mr.Bunny's are belong to us." ---And what is it with those people with the fantastically long sigs? Don't they have anything BETTER to do? I mean, would it KILL you people to shorten it a little? ---And while we're at it, why can't you just say 'signature?' Is the effort required to type 'nature' really that much? ---So what about those people who make new topics 'just to test the new sig?' Those people can just POST, like everyone else. --And you know what else bothers me? When people go on and on about the SLIGHTEST triviality. I say, punch 'em right then and there. All's well that ends. Deg: [You know damn well why, I'm sick of editing, and will start deleting.]
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