Extracts from the Chronicles: The Pen Commandments

[Guest Lord of the Gay]

Extracts from the chronicles: The Pen Commandments

 

…Peredhil heard a voice deep within his mind, and no it wasn't the milk wine he had last night. Slowly he led his flock of sheep into the summit of Mount Sinai. There in the recesses of the mountains, where the cold winds penetrated even the thick wool of the sheeps he saw a burning bush. The flame flickers in the violent storm but it never diminish. From within the fire there was a voice, the same voice that called out to him in his mind. "Peredhil… Peredhil…" it cried to him.

Now Peredhil knew that his life will be changed forever. His destiny and the purpose of his life fulfilled. He was still full of shock initially, but was replaced with an awe of wonder. This is power, and he will bow down and worship it.

 

"Yes Satan?" he asked, and was promptly hit by the head by a large falling piano. Like all other acts of God it is thought to be impossible, but it happens anyway.

 

"I am the God of the Pen and your God, and you are my chosen one to free the people of the pen from their slavery in the Archmage UBB. I've watched you from above and you are quite well at leading sheep, so you are a good choice to lead my people. Actually I go have a far better candidate, but after hearing the mission he refused straight out so I fried him with a lightning bolt and condemned him into eternal hell"

 

"Now of course you can refuse…" God continued, but judging from Peredhil's wide eye expression God knows that it isn't going to be likely. It is after all a worthy cause, but a little inspiration goes a long way. You either side with God or against him, and there's no middle ground between heaven and hell.

 

"Just one question…" asked Peredhil meekly, an expecting to dodge a lightning bolt that didn't come. "Yes?" God was surprising benevolent as he patiently awaits the question.

"I'm only a poor shepherd, sure I know how to lead sheep, but leading men is different."

"What's the difference?" God's booming voice echoes in the mountains against the raging winds, "They all have wool wrap around them, whether it's naturally grown or just woven into fabric, and both are wool headed! Both humans and sheeps are smelly, and if you ask me, leading a bunch of people is easier!"

"Nonetheless, my devoted Peredhil, I will give you a weapon of might, a symbol of which you are my representative of me on this earth, and a way to fight for the freedom of my people. Behold, the Legendary Mighty Pen!"

 

From the sky falls a streak of purest silver, landing inches from where our Peredhil was kneeling. The Legendary Mighty Pen is a four foot long titanium steel shaft (with hydraulic ink reservoir) and beryllium tipped. The shaft was carved with elegant design floating from the tip to the handle, the tip was as bright as the stars, and inside the ink reservoir was the decanter of endless boozes in which the pen will never have to be refilled. Peredhil was lost in the beauty if the pen, and finally he drew it from the ground and hold it up high. Raising the pen up high he praises God, who already left the scene.

 

Peredhil walked down from the mountain summit with the pen and his flock of frozen sheeps, anticipation for the task before him, and the hopes and dream that it will be fulfilled… (Exodus 3: 1 - 4:13)

 

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… "Now you have seen the power of God throughout the 10 signs of doom, let my people go!" said Peredhil, leading the elders of the pen behind him.

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin-chin!" replied Pharaoh RagingGoat. "If you pen leave the Archmage BBS, who will be my slave to slap around whenever I like? Who will be there to construct great classic writings for the glory of Archmage? No! You will be my slaves, and any of your new pen recruits will also be my slaves until the end of time."

 

"Well," our hero Peredhil gave a soft sigh. "There's only one way to resolve this. En garde!"

"Ha!" RagingGoat answered by drawing a weapon of his own. In a shocking surprise RagingGoat did not grew his own pen but rather a huge 5 feet long, half a feet wide and 3 inches thick sword of a black metallic metal ornamented with the carving of skulls and red gems.

"You've always boosted that the pen is mightier than the sword," RagingGoat announced, "Now it's time to revise the truth."

 

The battle rages on with "duel of the fate" as the background music. While the Legendary Mighty Pen is indeed mightier, RagingGoat attacked with an insane demonic valor, which forced Peredhil on the defensive. Steel collided with steel as spark lid up the thick air that was this battle, but RagingGoat's strength was slowly worning out. With a cleverly thrusted blow Peredhil knocked RagingGoat's sword down and held the beryllium tip of the Mighty Pen at his throat all in one astounding move.

 

"Surrender!" Peredhil announced triumphantly. He froze for a moment, and then added "Please."

"Ofcourse, oh-so-polite one." RagingGoat replied as he slowly lowered his sword, however that was just a rouse as RagingGoat dive sideways from the range of the pen and rolled into Peredhil's exposed flank and slashed at his leg. Peredhil responded by reflex and tried to parry the blow, however he was out of position to block that underhanded assault. The mighty pen was knocked out from his hands and skidded across the floor and his left leg sustained a hideous gash.

 

"Now you die, Peredhil!" RagingGoat gave a sadistic laugh as he arched back his sword, ready to swing it in full momentum right at Peredhil's head. It was then that Peredhil called on the force and will the Mighty Pen back into his hands. RagingGoat saw his costly mistake, but it was too late, he could not bring the sword back to block that fatal blow in time. The Mighty Pen leaped from the air and in a split second RagingGoat was knocked back by a mile from the force of that destructive blow.

 

"Now you let my people go!" Peredhil shouted out in anger, and behind him the pen population cheered. However they were cheering too early as RagingGoat's enforcement came out from hiding. RagingGoat's own command of flaming Archmage followers including Kendricke, Jezziepoo, BBQ Meister General, Discordia, Phantom, Shaka, Akaska, Daydreamer, and other mages began to surround the pen residences. Ozymandias, Orlan, and Gwaihir drew their own pen in defense but they were hopelessly outnumbered… (Exodus: 12:26-66)

 

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… And Peredhil went into the mist of Mount Sinai for forty days and forty nights talking with God. "Now we are out of Archmage BBS," asked Peredhil, "Where should my people go?" So God parted the digital field, and from afar they saw the Holy Land of EZ-Board: a place full with the honey of creativity and bountiful fruits of freedom. Peredhil kneel down unto God as they make the covenant of the Pen Commandments:

 

1. I am the Lord thy God, the God that brought you out of bondage from Archmage BBS. Thou shall have no other Gods but me.

2. Honor thy elders and members of the Pen.

3. Remember the Mighty Pen Site and to keep it holy

4. Thou shall not kill each other's thread, because each thread regardless of quality is a life of it's own and therefore shall be cherished.

5. Thou shall not commit violating actions to ruin other people's thread. Respect is needed.

6. Thou shall not steal other's work, whether it is from the pen or outside the pen, using it inside or outside the pen circle. It's call paganism either way.

7. Thou shall not bear false witness. Remain true to yourself.

8. Thou shall not covet each other's property, because wrongful desire leads to hatred, and hatred leads to wrongful action, and wrongful action leads to the path of darkness.

9. Thou shall not envy each other's writing talent, for different people are born with different gifts and therefore all are equal under the eyes of God

 

At this point God could think of no other commandments to write, so Peredhil added:

 

10. Thou shall be polite and respect each other and give hugs to each other every single day.

 

And God was pleased.

 

Now the people are worried when Peredhil did not return for such a long time. It was then when Wyvern began an evilly crafted scheme to steal everyone's geld (again).

"Peredhil and his God has left us!" shouted the greedy lizard, "I say its time for us to worship this new god, our Golden Bull of Commercialism! This was the same God they worship on Archmage where they become prosperous by having banners and ads on their site. Now everyone please bring your geld forward and 'I' will personally melt the geld together and form the image of the bull to give us a calm transition from Archmage BBS to the promise land of EZ-board!"

 

At once people pile up geld in front of Wyvern, whose grin becomes too wide to hide. He gathered the geld slowly and places them in the fire of the forge. However Wyvern kept most of the geld for his own and instead just made a shell of the bull. The bull was made and the naïve pen people rejoiced as they celebrate to the new God when it just happens that Peredhil came down from the mountains carrying the pen commandments on two stone tablets. In anger of what he sees, Peredhil threw the two tablets down at the hollow bull and both shattered into pieces. Wyvern, seeing that all is lost, tried to grab his geld and flee the scene but was promptly fried by a lightning bolt aimed on the ass… (Exodus 21:1- 30:35)

[Peredhil]

Peredhil hugs tLotG.

 

 

That was a really well-written, well-thought out parody! It echoed established works (the Bible, the duel with Ronstar, etc) and wove them together into something new.

 

Clever and fun reading.

 

Of course, you're going to Hell for this...

[The Portrait of Zool]

Great storytelling LOTG. I want to see MORE!!

 

Welcome. I hope you can find a home here at the Pen.

 

~Zool~

Ancient, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword.

Bard of Terra, Patron Saint of Aspiring Bards.

Elder than dirt, more foolish than a jester, able to trip over the smallest logic in a single step. It's... Oh, you know.

[Gyrfalcon]

*Gyr grins and applauds* I like these commandments. Nice!