Trying Out Something - No Name

[Sillytune]

Between the lies, of a shadow
Of a mask, that is me,
I have found something,
One can say,
It's killing me.
If there ever was something,
That i could say, and say no more,
It's the fear of being, and ending,
Truly alone.

In a corner, of a corner,
Where night means - not a thing,
And all of darkest memories,
Begin, start, and keep striking,
The only glimmer, the only light,
That one, can truly have,
Is a piece, of a hope,
Is a peace, that promises,
Sadness gone.

Amid the mist of ruins,
Where i'm suffocating me,
All my deaths are dying,
What is left will be.
If i could cry for a tear,
Of a tear, of what is torn,
If i could only stop,
And say, say - no more -
It is a storm, it is a hope,
A symbol of previous words,
That keep on pushing,
With
Ten men, in one.
And more.



~ I'm simply trying out something, all that poetry and stuffz! - Would love to get feedback :3 ?

[Tanuchan]

I like this =)

 

It has an interesting rhythm because of your use of commas, that forces small pauses in some places where I might not usually stop; it's an interesting emphasis, intriguing sometimes, but I really like how it flows. The end, where you suddenly use three very short verses and forces a break in the rhythm, made me stumble in the first reading; but I think that it adds some undefinable feeling of... maybe sadness? I don't really know how to pinpoint what it is, but I still like the effect.

 

I generally do not go into the "meaning" of the words in a poem as, for me, they are something really subjective unless you're actually bulding a poem as a part of an exercise. But this part

 

If i could cry for a tear,
Of a tear, of what is torn,

intrigues me a lot. Adds to some mystery, I'd say!

 

I've told you that there's a natural music in what you write; my opinion holds ;-)

Thank you for sharing!