I hear you

[Morindin]

Apologies for the poor title....that bit tends to be where the mind shuts down lol.

 

I hear you in my darkest times,

and in those times of light.

I see your work in leaf and breeze,

At daytime and at night.

 

I feel your hand upon my path,

I sense your prescence, near,

And though at times the way is clouded,

You leave no room for fear.

 

Your spirit watches over me,

A constant, faithful friend,

It lives, it burns, it drives me on,

From now until the end.

 

Hear these words and know my heart,

As we journey on together,

And with your help, despite what comes,

May burdens be a feather.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Morindin

[Katzaniel]

Very nice!

 

Is there anything you can do to move a syllable in the last line? Everything else sounds perfect (I didn't count anything, but nothing else stood out) so to end on a line that's off from the rest is unfortunate. If you want to make sure it's not taken literally, then perhaps, "May burdens weigh a feather"?

 

Otherwise really good, though. I can totally picture it in print.

[Morindin]

Thanks for the comment Kat! Changes made both to the syllable and the "better" rhyming with "feather". Hopefully it scans better now

[Katzaniel]

Yeah, I think so. Cool.

[Alaeha]

This is interesting, and well written. I'm not quite sure who it's addressed to, but I like that the list of addressees is a bit open.

 

The one stumbling block I hit when I read this is the second line of the final stanza -- "as we journey on together" has two syllables more than the second line of any of the others, which breaks the pattern just as it's become cemented in the reader's mind.

 

Otherwise, I quite enjoyed it. It's always good to see poetry that is both pleasant to read and clearly meaningful to the poet.