jonadine Posted August 7, 2012 Report Posted August 7, 2012 (edited) SSSSSSSSlick like a viper, Fanged thoughts sink under skin, Laying carnivorous eggs, Like a spider wasp. Leaving slimy slug trails, The wriggling larvae, Pupate into venomous steam. I can hear it, The shrill wailing teakettle shriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeek Of pressure cooked lies. They bubble up from oily depths, Collecting in corners, Like the shriveled char In a deep fryer. The crackling carbonized residue Taints the whole And I eat that pain Like potato chips Till all that comes of creativity Is poison Edited August 20, 2012 by Jomeansme Quote
reverie Posted November 23, 2012 Report Posted November 23, 2012 Okay, so my take on this is you are trying show us how pain inspires you to write or be creative. A lemons into lemonade triade thing huh? *nods* Well done. You have talent, so don't hold back. Get personal. You can always reign it in later. Pick one vivid and painful moment, which inspired you, then bring in some details to flesh out say the middle of the poem. Doesn't have to be much, but when people hear pain, they want something solid to connect too, something they can relate to their own lives. If you're preforming this, your emotional performance can carry the audience along with you. But since, your tone has already prepared them to sympathise with you, give them something they can chew on, they can see, something that might have happened to them, and then not only will the sympathise, they'll empathize with you. keep writing. cheers, rev Quote
jonadine Posted December 30, 2012 Author Report Posted December 30, 2012 SSSSSSSSlick like a viper, Fanged thoughts sink under skin, Laying carnivorous eggs, Like a spider wasp. Leaving slimy slug trails, The wriggling larvae, Pupate into venomous steam. I can hear it, The shrill wailing teakettle shriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeek Of pressure-cooked shouts, packed in lies, crammed full and SLAMmed shut like my suitcase when I left you. It bubbles up from oily depths, Blame collecting in corners, Like the shriveled char In a deep fryer. The carbonized residue crackling and shifting Like embers after a house fire, The walls falling in, Memories dissipating like smoke That burns eyes, and stains lungs with a black rime that sticks to everything And I eat that pain Like potato chips, and it tastes like poison. Quote
Snypiuer Posted January 1, 2013 Report Posted January 1, 2013 I think the second flows better. I'm not great at critiqing or giving writing advice like Rev, so I'll just say I REALLY like your work! Quote
jonadine Posted January 1, 2013 Author Report Posted January 1, 2013 Just about done... I think Mixed Metaphor SSSSSSSSlick like a viper, Fanged thoughts sink under skin, Laying carnivorous eggs, Like a spider wasp. Leaving slimy slug trails, The wriggling larvae, Pupate into venomous steam. I can hear it, The shrill wailing teakettle shriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeek Of pressure-cooked shouts, packed in lies, crammed full and SLAMmed shut like my suitcase when I left you. Blame bubbles up from oily depths, collecting in corners, Like the shriveled char In a deep fryer. The carbonized residue crackling and shifting Like embers after a house fire, The walls falling in, Love dissipating in the smoke That coats everything in a black rime That burns eyes, and stains lungs And I eat that pain like potato chips made of poison. Quote
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