dottie Posted August 18, 2011 Report Posted August 18, 2011 This is a piece a wrote as a challenge for myself. I am new at writing stories. This is a possible beginning of a possible story. Though it is not my comfort zone for writing I want feedback at a -4- whatever ya got. I would also like to know what is good, if anything. Other things I'd like to know would it grab your attention if I did continue with it. Addiction. Or is it? The young man sat at his desk, staring at the blinking cursor on the screen. He ran his hands over his face and rubbed his bloodshot eyes as he thought about the previous evening. It had been a rough one. Johnny’s girlfriend Jade had one of her episodes. He helped to calm her down as usual. When she fainted from the loss of blood, he took her to the ER and sat waiting for her to regain consciousness. When she did, he kissed her cheek and left for work. Late, again… He was growing tired of her addiction. Her addiction manifests in the variety of self inflicted pain. The most prevalent form is cutting. Jade had not intentionally hidden her addiction, but found it a difficult topic to bring up. Johnny caught her the first time in the bathroom when they were getting ready to visit her father. Visiting Jade’s parents had a powerful impact on her losing control of her situation. Johnny was lost in thought as his assistant brought him a coffee. Lisa plopped the black mug beside the overwhelming stack of files and smirked as she asked, “Missed your beauty sleep again, huh?”
Harmonious_Echos Posted August 19, 2011 Report Posted August 19, 2011 Sounds interesting. Keep going--you need to flesh out the young man quite a bit, or he'll become a narrator instead of the main character, and watch out for popular misconceptions; a topic like cutting is difficult to address without some sort of first hand experience.
Snypiuer Posted August 20, 2011 Report Posted August 20, 2011 I like the concept behind the story so far. I agree with Harmony (A MUCH better authority than I when it comes to structure - one of MANY here at the Pen! I'm working on my critiquing skills, so PLEASE don't put too much stock in it ), but I can't decide WHICH point of view the story should actually be told from - IS the young man the main character or is he actually just a narrator? WHO is the story REALLY about? In other words, is the story about him, her or both of them? Will we be invested in him as the main character? Will he end up as nothing more than a bit player in HER life? Or will the story be about both - perhaps shifting from one to the other? It will be interesting to see how it unfolds and I look forward to finding out!
Harmonious_Echos Posted August 24, 2011 Report Posted August 24, 2011 I'm really not implying that you NEED firsthand experience to write about cutting! (I just realised that my last post sounded almost like I was encouraging you to go slash yourself in order to write better!! Please don't!!) Just that it's not an easy topic by any means, and that a little research on the topic couldn't hurt. Try looking at it from other points of veiw, too; not all 'cutters' believe it's an addiction, and sometimes it's a condition easily remedied by resolving the underlying issue, meaning they were never truly addicted at all--they were only using a bad technique to relieve stress...great, now I sound like a counselor. It's true tho. Anyway, food for thought--does this girl want to quit? Does she like the pain, or is it emotional pain that drives her to cut? Is it a deadness of emotion that causes a need for some type of 'feeling' that causes the cutting? Or, is she smart enough that she's cutting not for the pain but to induce the bloodloss euphoria that follows? All questions that you could use to build her, and the young man as well. Good luck! Also thanks Sny for the compliment! lol!
dottie Posted August 26, 2011 Author Report Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) Thank you both for your advice and encouragement. It is definitely still in the rough stages. Harmony- I haven't completely thought the whole thing through, though I do actually know someone who did this. There is a lot more to each persons story than what is obvious on the surface. I understood your advice the first time. Just so you know, I have absolutely NO desire to go cut myself on purpose. I am accident prone, so I get enough injuries that way. Also the addiction does not necessarily have to be hers, does it now? Edited August 26, 2011 by WritingMom
Snypiuer Posted September 24, 2011 Report Posted September 24, 2011 Sorry haven't gotten to this sooner! As to the addiction, I personally saw it as the young mans' addiction to her - or, at least, the situation he was in. Hope you continue it!
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