War is Declared!

[Ozymandias]

My Dear Loki Wyrd,

 

It has been far too long since we have corresponded! How are your serfs? Tilling away, I trust? I assume so, as you remain amazingly exuberant in the raising of your orchards- which, may I add was a rather clever move. I certainly did not expect it the very next season after I had expressly asked you not to.

 

They DO still block the sunlight for my vineyards, as you no doubt remember, busy year though it has been.

 

 

In light of such a masterful surprise, please accept the gift of Blue Dragons, Treants, Sprites, and Shadow Creatures I have massed on your borders as a token of my appreciation of such slyness.

 

If you would be so good as to die this time, I would be forever grateful.

 

 

I remain your neighbor, and closest acquaintance,

 

~Ozymandias~

[Loki Wyrd]

Dear Ozymandias,

 

It is my understanding that you have amassed forces along the East and Northern regions of my province. I had not anticipated you sending me laborers--my understanding was that you were against my orchards. Thank you! whatever your reasoning may be, it's good to know we can always turn to each other in times of hardship. You, Sir, are a noble soul. In consideration of your qualities, I shall turn to the soil. Where masses of past intruders and indigenous folk alike are buried. And where the true strength of my lands lie. The decomposing masses shall rise up to allow room for your kind addition to our rich heritage and soil. Down to the very microbes, my country is united in integrating your presence into our own. Soon I will walk your lands, fertilize your vineyards with the blood and bone meal of your populace. We shall rejoice in your halls, my friend!

 

 

Best Wishes!

Loki Wyrd

Edited December 29, 2009 by Loki Wyrd

[Hjolnai]

To whomever owns this castle,

 

This kingdom is abominably cold - Silence, servant, and write what I say! No, not tha-

 

(there is a large hole scorched through the parchment)

 

 

How terribly annoying! I am now forced to write this in my own hand. In any case, as I was saying, this kingdom of yours is freezing, and I detest the cold. As you seem unwilling to expend any of your bountiful magic on heating the country, the cold wind occasionally blows into my kingdom. The only solution I see to this annoyance is to make a bonfire of that marble city of yours, so I can stand in it and not freeze.

 

 

In conclusion,

Hjolnai

[Snypiuer]

Hjolnai, Greetings and Salutations,

 

I beg your forgiveness as to the ambient temperature of my fair kingdom. I keep it thus, since all the fountains within my kingdom spew the finest of ales and it is required for the drinking pleasures of those whom partake of them.

 

You would be aware of this (and the fact that I am the owner of this castle) had you not so rudely refused the 'Welcome to the Neighborhood' gift basket I sent you (Escorted by a small contingent of dragons, giants, wizards and various other military personnel - which were purely ceremonial, I assure you.) when you first moved in. Not to mention your out-right rebukes of all my subsequent attempts to extend the hand of genuine friendship, such as when I (out of the kindness of my heart) tore down some dilapidated structures you had abandoned along our shared border and evicted the squatters that had been living there - for you (We both know that your assertion that it was a 'city' and the squatters were your 'citizens' was nothing more then a pretense to 'save face' when you so brutally slaughtered the relief workers I had sent to help rebuild). Or, when I sent a small group of assassins personal valets to deliver an invitation to a victory celebration I was planning to have - The insult of your refusal to attend, not to mention your audacity to actually execute my loyal valets, was such that I was simply unable to host said celebration.

 

Still, I am a kind and gentle man - willing to (once again) extend my hand to you, in an attempt to bring our two kingdoms closer together - You might say, "To make them as one." So, having noticed the extremely poor condition of your kingdom (Undoubtedly you are suffering a financial crisis and this is the reason you, yourself, can not afford to keep it heated to a decent temperature - which is nothing to be ashamed of in these economic times), I shall send the full might of my military into your kingdom in a humanitarian effort to 'renovate' it. We will also rid your kingdom of its' vast populace of squatters for you. I fully understand that you are a proud individual and will most likely attempt to refuse my kind assistance. But, rest assured, I will not relent in my effort to help rebuild and repopulate your kingdom, so that you may retire and live out your life in leisure on your own private deserted island or locked tower - whichever you feel will best suit you (That is, if you can survive the rigors of the rebuilding project, of course).

 

Yours in friendship,

 

Snypiuer

[The Portrait of Zool]

These are FREAKING HILARIOUS!

 

 

[Wyvern]

An uncomfortable stillness washes over the Pen as its various denizens go about penning their special war arrows, leaving only the sound of a slow ticking grandfather clock and the howl of the December wind outdoors. The wind drops for a moment just in time to reveal the creak of bows arched back... extremely cheap Almost Dragonic Brand Criss-Cross Bows™, if the ensuing chaotic twang of arrows sailing in every direction is anything to go by. The Portrait of Zool continues laughing over the brilliance of the war arrow writing thus far until a criss-crossing arrow lands with a resonating thud next to him, chipping a piece of his frame as it vibrates mere inches away from the precious surface of his painting. Zool frowns and attempts to crane his head to read the note attached to the arrow, but finds it a little too distant from his canvas position to properly make out. Should the painted pennite have made it out, however, he would have found a standardized letter addressed with his name on it. Not a war letter persay, but a letter aimed at the doors of many other pennites. A letter with an almost dragonic signature, dribbling the red ink of ill omen.

 

Dear Zool,

 

CONGRATULATIONS! Your Pen quarters have been officially selected for an Almost Dragonic Brand Product Placement Makeover™! Just sit back, relax, and let our skilled troglyodyte technicians turn your beloved dwellings into an enormous ad for some of the finest non-selling gimmick items this side of Nanoteknonnen-Os. Best of all: this offer comes absolutely NOT FREE! A bill covering all of the items used in this makeover will be tacked to your door, with the expectation that you will pay it within the next week, or your quarters will be forfeit to Almost Dragonic Inc. Happy holidays!

 

Love,

Wyvern

 

P.S: Rental options available when quarters become forfeit. Just inquire at 1-900-LEECHINGLANDLORDLIZARD.

 

The Portrait of Zool raises a brow as troglyodytes wearing smocks and carrying paintbrushes begin filing in and surrounding his painting, and he cries out as one of them begins scrawling some Almost Dragonic Brand slogan over his newly painted shirt. Elsewhere, while Snypiuer and Loki Wyrd are occupied waging arrow wars, their quarters are broken into and flooded with troglyodytes carrying large boxes of products to display. Even Ozymandias' inner-walls are breached by the sinisterly timed ad campaign. The initial phases of Operation Almost Dragonic Branding go off without a hitch...

[Preprise]

*A loud thunderous noise seemingly fills the planet with enunciated thunder*

[Gryphon]

Dear Ozymandias,

 

Most joyous greetings of the season to you my friend! I do so hope this missive finds you in a state of health.

 

It has been brought to my attention that you have begun a most sizeable undertaking and I write to offer you my humble assistance in so far as I am able.

 

Long have I been amazed at the tolerance you have shown of the hordes of Treants, Sprites and other woodland spirits you charitably let exist in your kingdom. I was unable to fathom why you tolerated such a range of filth, but now I see the path you have undertaken and the sneakiness of it nearly overwhelms me!

 

Had I any idea that you were simply allowing them to mass their numbers so that you could send them across your Southwestern border to be slaughtered while simultaneously reducing the small trouble of the undead plaguing your neighbour on that side I would never have made those thoughtless comments regarding your preference for hugging ... well, never-mind, lets just leave that safely in the past. Masterful sir, simply masterful.

 

To aid you in your upcoming extermination I have taken the liberty of amassing a respectable number of red dragons, fire giants and a few of my larger fire elementals from the volcanic region that exists between our lands. I shall send them forth with all reasonable haste and if fortune favours us we shall see that pesky blight burned from your land once and for all.

 

No need to thank me my friend! No need at all. I should make you aware however that some of the giants have expressed an interest in sampling your grapes of all things! I have of course warned them that you appear to be having a rather average crop this year, but you know how they can insist. I assured them that you'd be happy for them to sample your crops as a token of your appreciation for their upcoming assistance. It is after all, the least you can do.

 

Faithfully yours,

 

Gryphon

[Ozymandias]

My Dear Loki,

 

Your enthusiam remains, as ever, inspiring! I truly applaud such initiative! But my dear fellow, I had no idea that you had quite so many undead in your gathering of forces. However is a mage to cope? Please, accept this gift of the slow time bubble I have already taken the liberty around your entire kingdom as a token of our friendship at such a difficult time for you- after all, one can't have one's forces succumbing to rigor mortis or mold at too early a stage, can one?

 

I apologize profusely as I currently have other pressing matters to attend to, and so cannot be of anymore help at this time than to relay to you what my own researches tell me- look for a rain of flaming stones in the next week or so!

 

Say, in the next hour or two.

 

What brought this sudden skill in meteorology, I'm sure you're asking yourself. Elementary, Sir! I am a retiree, after all. So I read. I dabble now in several things that I feel may assist you in the management of your own in tenfold repayment of the kindnesses you have shown me- as soon as I find the time!

 

 

Sincerely,

~Ozymandias~

[Ozymandias]

Esteemed Gryphon,

 

So glad your dragons and giants could help me find all of my gunpowder stores from seasons past! That was such a neighborly thing to do Sir, you put put an old king to shame. I am humbled.

 

I also feel a bit silly. However did I manage to forget I'd stored every last grain of it in the trees along our shared border? The memory truly IS the first thing to go.

 

(I DO hope that- Surtur, was it? Finds all of his toes.)

 

Please do let me know, good neighbor, if your find any bags of holding in and further patrols? They're my oldest, and as such, heirlooms. The ones I've lost are also where I like to keep my glacier collection. Do be careful, though. As I have mentioned, these are OLD bags, and as such are a bit tatty, and quite likely to tear if they are not handle with the utmost care. I'd hate for their contents to fall on anyone.

 

 

Warmest regards,

 

~Ozymandias~