Sad Poem

[Snypiuer]

This is one of those that make me think it's been written before or, at least, should have been.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sad poem

of melancholy

and dark despair.

Lost love.

Broken dreams.

Life unfair.

 

Dark words

of emotions raw

and feelings deep.

Of pain.

Of sorrow.

Of troubled sleep.

 

Words of hurt

beneath which

anger simmers.

To end,

in hope -

whose faint light glimmers.

Edited December 6, 2009 by Snypiuer

[Loki Wyrd]

I like it, sounds prrrrty. =)

 

My only suggestion is to consider the first 2 lines of your last stanza. I think it might be stronger if you were to continue with the structure of your other stanzas (see first 2 lines of other stanzas). Oh, and 'whose'...not "who is." (see last line...sorry for nitpicking)

[Snypiuer]

I know what you mean about first lines of last stanza - I just couldn't come up with anything. Open to suggestions!

 

Also, corrected who's to whose. Completely missed that one and will now retire to subject myself to harsh and brutal punishment for my transgression! No need to apologize for nitpicking - the fact that I must now suffer a sever and violent beating (punctuated by humiliation) because of said nitpicking, may be in question. But hey, you know, it builds character!

 

Glad you liked it!

[Loki Wyrd]

That's a tough pickle to sniff. I'll think on it, and let you know if I come up with anything.

 

 

*edit* I'm drawing a blank, sorry. I'm not terribly good with suggestions...

Edited December 8, 2009 by Loki Wyrd

[The Portrait of Zool]

Words of hurt

of deprivation...

[Snypiuer]

Words of hurt.

Of deprivation.

 

I like the 'Of deprivation' part. May have to change the first line though. And reword the rest of that stanza, but that 'Of deprivation' does fit. It gives inklings of ideas! I LIKE IT! Will think on it.

 

THANK YOU!

 

ALL SUGGESTIONS ARE NOT ONLY HELPFUL, THEY ARE MUCH APPRECIATED!