Mardrax Posted July 1, 2009 Report Posted July 1, 2009 (edited) Out of the blue, you asked me you had me all open, baffled at loss for words stunned You pushed the cart and I had but to leap yet I just stood mesmerised And the cart moved on Thankfully, like the world the wheel spins in circles --- Yet for all my waiting this cart seems to avoid anything constituting anything near my grasp With every moment, passing it fades farther into the nothing that it carries And the cart moves on Doubting, I find myself, if I'll be there for the backswing --- And there I found myself hailing you as you pushed that cart of yours halted Looking in as we spoke inside your loaded cart I seemed too much And the cart is moving on While I stand, watching you go that apology lingering between us Edited July 12, 2009 by Mardrax
Signe Posted July 1, 2009 Report Posted July 1, 2009 I really like this! It paints a very vivid picture, both literally and figuratively. I think there might be a word missing in the second part (I had but to leap?) to make it scan better and be easier to make sense of. well done!
Mardrax Posted July 2, 2009 Author Report Posted July 2, 2009 You are absolutely right. Completely missed that. Thank you, and thank you ^^
baxter85 Posted July 5, 2009 Report Posted July 5, 2009 Wonderful demonstration of using line breaks to control the flow of the poem. Nicely done.
Mardrax Posted July 5, 2009 Author Report Posted July 5, 2009 And thanks yet again, Katz and Face. Addendum added. Far less pleased with it than I am with the first part though. It seems to defy structure. Especially the last two lines bug me. So be it.
Signe Posted July 5, 2009 Report Posted July 5, 2009 I don't think it needs the addendum at all - I liked it better without, personally. the second part feels related but really not part of the whole, and it's not as strong.
Mardrax Posted July 6, 2009 Author Report Posted July 6, 2009 I should call it a three-part, instead of calling it one. That is, I'm expecting a conclusion will spring up some time, as events and feelings unfold, and meet eachother on some middle ground. Or more likely, just after I get my act together.
Mardrax Posted July 12, 2009 Author Report Posted July 12, 2009 (edited) And bumpity. Closure added. Satisfied? Meh. I might be revising this at some point. The middle bit is still letting me down. The closing part accomplishes pretty much everything I'd want it to though. It seems more structured than the preceding, which is good. For now: enjoy of it what you can. And of course, feedback is always appreciated. Edited July 12, 2009 by Mardrax
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