Quincunx Posted June 17, 2009 Report Posted June 17, 2009 This will be reworked, so the critique can be as heavy as it needs to be. AGGO! The traveling tailgate party! Get in before the front gate rolls away! The Caribbean thresher! Fuel will turn your lips blue! Just two aggo! Twenty aggo! Ain't no use building a gate if nobody comes through it, that's why. You saw how slow we roll. You coulda run. Take the aggo. Five aggo for a drummer, for a hot beat long beat, the boy didn't last just like a boy won't you say aaaaaaaaaahhhoooo! What's that you play, a marimba? Yeah we heard one before, don't get Fifty aggo, but beat it for us for twenty. I like you. Forfeit! You lost the beat, five aggo the first time, and don't ask me what I'll take for mistake number two. Sweat! Five aggo for wearing black! Get some color in your life, girl, 'cause you are black and white. Aw, that's mean! You think? Yeah it's mean but it's true! Well fine, she can take a skirt for free but only a skirt. So you'll be yellow and white then and pink and thank that lady. I said thank her! Ten aggo for bein' rude! Your mouth will cost you, girl. Better cork it with a drink. We got here a new breed, a purebreed racing dog, faster than you! One hundred aggo if you can catch and carry it! The black not the brindle, not the brown, no traps and tools just cooperation, he ain't got a collar, if he runs out the back gate everyone loses! Go go look at him gogogo! We're sellin' fast puppies for aggo, puppies to race or attack! Watch out, watch out, the back gate's rolling closer! Go out? You break my heart. It's twenty aggo, same as you got when you fell in. Oh, you're broke, are you? Well break my heart. Stay in, keep dancing, earn some aggo.
Signe Posted June 18, 2009 Report Posted June 18, 2009 I am really, REALLY loving this. I can just see it! it's very changeling - like a travelling under-the-hill that sweeps you away and then you find out a hundred years has passed. SO cool.
Mardrax Posted June 19, 2009 Report Posted June 19, 2009 Awesome atmosphere. It doesn't have a beat, but I can def'nately dance to it. The only quirks I could point out are the end of the second stanza, which sounds a bit awkward to me, a bit forced maybe. I can't really put better words to it. Either because I'm just at a loss, or because all my sinusses are pounding a beat of their own. That, and the very last sentence. Maybe it's just because it ends in a period. Maybe it's because of the actual content. I don't know. It seems a bit contradictory to the overjoyed, almost screaming mood of the rest. It sounds rather matter of factly, to me anyway. Anyway, good stuff, and good to hear from you again ^^
Wyvern Posted July 23, 2009 Report Posted July 23, 2009 I've been putting off on responding to this for a while now, but just wanted to finally chime in and say that I really enjoyed it Quincunx. :-) The rhythm of the lines definitely stands out to me, as the way the syllables are paced feels like a congo drum with alternating patterns, very vibrant and upbeat in an unpredictable and exciting sort of way. The imagery and vernacular of the piece also really adds to the feel of it to me, as the lingo and fast-paced flashes of dancing and haggling all had a very exotic and mirthful feel to them. I will say that for some reason, the puppies being sold for "attack" struck me as a little odd, though I could certainly see violence as a byproduct of the sum of the hectic situations at hand! Very well done, as always... It definitely grabbed me. I look forward to reading any revisions as well.
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