The Almost Report Documents its Stars in Stripes

Wyvern · June 9, 2009

The news cameras cue up to total darkness as the Almost Report news medley plays away in the background, with a few extra jubilant notes added in as still frames of CheerMynx from various episodes of the Report slowly move by. The pre-recorded strip of pictures flashes through an image of CheerMynx running around tarred in feathers, a pic of CheerMynx decked out in Dreamer-inspired white pirate gear, and a picture of an exuberant bouncing CheerMynx in her more traditional cheerleading fair before coming to a grinding halt. The view pans out a bit as the sparkly pink font of the show’s title materializes through a series of shaking pompoms.

Stars in Stripes

:star: Almost a CheerMynx documentary :star:

Static flashes across the screen until the visuals refocus on the make-up room of the Almost Report, with its familiar faded mirror bulbs and trash bin full of Almost Dragonic Brand Beauty Boar Balm™. The focus of the cameras is a troglyodyte dressed in a pink open-collared flame design shirt, who sits on a stool and moves a powder puff from one webbed hand to the other.

“One thing I noticed right off the bat with CheerMynx was how little work needed to be done in fixing her make up or style… she’d done all the necessary adjustments well in advance, leaving me with only a few tiny details to add in.” The troglyodyte gestures to the cameras as the words “Spinky K – Almost Report Make-Up Specialist” appear under his face. “More than I can say for some folks on the Report, like a certain almost dragon who ends up looking like hell regardless of-“

Spinky’s sentence is cut off by another bout of static, which roars across the screen for a few minutes. The waves of gray are eventually replaced by a view of a toy factory, where an assembly line of wood golems is working on chipping away at a series of treant action figures made out of bark. The cameras move past several design parchments before focusing on a suited high-elf seated on a throne-like recliner.

“I knew that CheerMynx was action figure material from the moment she stepped into my office and proposed the idea for an Almost Report toy line.” The high-elf adjusts his ivy green tie as the words “Elvanus Mirweather – Brimwood Toys & Arrows Representative” appear under his face. “It was more than just her good looks, it was the way she carried herself. A cheerful and exuberant demeanor, the ‘action’ to compliment her figure. I’m still trying to figure out why someone like her would spend time with an almost dragonic lowlife like-”

Static once again clouds the screens until the image is replaced with a shot of the Pen’s medical ward, which is empty save for one bed occupied by a rather pale-looking troglyodyte. The cameras circle around the room, searching for a perfect angle to watch the troglyodyte speak from.

“CheerMynx is one of the best actresses I’ve had the pleasure of working with. She’s always brought her all to ‘Dawgrim’s Reek.’” The troglyodyte gestures with a dehydrated hand as the words “Pip Squeawell – Actor of Blarr on ‘Dawgrim’s Reek’” appear under his resting head. “She always has her lines down flat as well, which is rare in a show headed by an almost dragon like-”

Static crosses over the screen again, droning out Pip’s words and roaring away for a while. The image is eventually replaced with total darkness, at which point some cheap text suddenly flicks its way into view:

Wyvern Q. Almostdragon was unavailable for an interview

The text vanishes, only to be replaced by a tinier sentence, meant to be more subtle but still very clearly visible given the black background:

(he was playing with his CheerMynx action figures)

The kazoos cue up again in the background for an 80s end theme montage, playing away as the credits begin rolling up the screen vertically. Amongst the credit listings is a column dedicated to “News Items Neglected for Documentary,” which lists:

http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16673</a>'>Werewolf XLIII

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http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16618</a>'>Open Mic Night

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http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16583</a>'>Wizardry Academy Polling Booths

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http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16579</a>'>Continue the Story

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http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16624</a>'>Food for Thought

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Food for Thought 2.0: Euphemisms

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